What Sausage Are You Based on Your Zodiac Sign?

It’s summertime, which probably means you’ve consumed (or will consume) one form of encased meat or another, be it hot dog, Italian sausage, or brat—I mean, it’s brat summer. Haven’t you heard? All of this is to say, there’s a lot of sausage at the grocery store and there are but 12 signs of the zodiac—so it stands to reason that there must be a sausage that matches your personality. So grab your dawgs (as in friends) and some dogs (as in hot dogs), and let’s discuss which processed meat tube fits everyone’s personality the best. Once every friend is assigned a delicious meat, you can refer to every party as a sausage party, and that’s just plain fun. So let’s crack this case(ing) wide open and really get to the meat of things!

Aries (March 21-April 19):  Oscar Mayer Wieners

Aries people are winners, and if there is one thing I have learned from video games involving overalls-clad plumbers, it is how to pronounce that word.

Read our ranking of the best hot dogs

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Italian Sausage

There are few meals more soothing than good ol’ spaghetti and meatballs, and what are meatballs made of? Well, it depends, but oftentimes they have Italian sausage in the mix. You know who else has a soothing presence and plenty of oregano and fennel? Tauruses. I rest my case.

Read our ranking of the best Italian sausage

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Chicken Apple Sausage

I know, I know—Geminis are always the “thing with two things in it because twins,” but hear me out. Chicken apple sausage is not just the senseless combination of two random things. No. It is the genius creation of an individual who dared to believe that the sweetness of fruit belongs in a savory processed meat tube. And if I know one thing about Geminis, it’s that they too dare to believe. And they are also multifaceted individuals with both a sweet side aaaaand, let’s face it, a salty side.

Read our ranking of the best chicken sausage

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Salami

Okay, this may be a me problem, but if you have ever bought salami as a hunk instead of as slices then you know the sausage casing can be weirdly tough and hard to chew. But once you get past that, those Salamis tend to be the most flavorful and complex salamis out there. Similarly, Cancers can be the most complex people you’ll ever meet—if you just take the time to get through their metaphorical sausage casing.

Read our ranking of the best salami

Leo (July 23-August 22): Pepperoni

I mean, come on. Pepperoni may just be the most talked-about sausage at your local Dominos. Similarly, Leos are the most talked about sign at your local Dominos (trust me, I know these things…I spend a lot of time in your local Dominos).

Read our ranking of the best pepperoni

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Breakfast Sausage

Busy? On the go? A Virgo perhaps? Meet breakfast sausage. Microwave it, slap it on some toast with some melty cheese and egg, and you’ve got yourself a protein-packed breakfast. This sausage has to align with Virgos because (and don’t ask me how I know this) Virgos do be counting macros and hitting their protein goals, and they are not sacrificing taste in the process.

Read our ranking of the best breakfast sausage

Libra (September 23-October 22): Pineapple Bacon

Have you ever wanted a sausage that does it all? A sausage that “has an app for that”? A sausage that brings its A game no matter what the game might be? A sausage that combines sweet, fatty, salty, umami, goodness into every bite? Then you just might be a Libra and that sausage just might be teriyaki pineapple. Libras love balance and harmony and if teriyaki pineapple isn’t the most balanced and harmonious of the sausages then I am Timothèe Chalamet*.

*Please note I am not Timothèe Chalamet, so do not ~call me by his name~.

Read our ranking of the best chicken sausage

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Andouille

Andouille sausage. What is it exactly? We have all heard of it, but can we describe it? Nope. We ask ourselves, is it Louisianan? French? Did my mom invent it (spoiler alert: she did not)? Turns out there are both Cajun and French versions, each very different not only from each other but also other versions with the same origin. Much like Scorpios, andouille is a delicious mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a sausage casing and we love that for them.

Read our ranking of the best andouille

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Kielbasa

I have always loved how these Polish sausages come in a fun lil U shape—they are hands down the most interestingly shaped sausages in any supermarket. We have lots of sausages here in the good ol’ U.S. of A but very few of them are sold in this particular orientation. I have no idea what makes this one different, but I have a hunch that curious, adventure-seeking Sags either already know kielbasa is shaped this way or they’re ready to go down the rabbit hole to find out.

Read our roundup of the best sausage from our taste tests

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Applewood Smoked Chicken Sausage

As Mark Zuckerberg always says, smoking meat takes a long time. And you know who has the patience to do that? Mature, down-to-earth Capricorns. But even Capricorns can recognize that sometimes you just need protein fast, and for that this smoked sausage take the waiting out of it and gives you the taste of hours of hard work without making you actually wait that long to eat.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Linguiça

The real reason for this matchup? I love linguiça and I am an Aquarius. The stated reason for this matchup? Linguiça is a unique, delicious Portuguese sausage, and for some reason not everybody knows about it. There is a great one at Costco though, so go buy it, Aquarians! Impress your friends! They will say, “Wow! You and this sausage are special!” And then you can feel all fun and glittery, because, you know what? You ARE special and don’t you ever forget it.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Chorizo

Chorizo is spicy, nostalgic, and full of interesting spices and flavors. Pisces are spicy, nostalgic, and full of interesting gossip, fun facts, and life stories. Both have at one point or another made me emotional, and I would get a breakfast burrito with either.*

*Chorizo in the burrito, Pisces friend enjoying the burrito with me.