Coffee Mate Just Turned Coffee Creamer Into Ice Cream

Do you ever put ice cream in your coffee? Here’s a better question: Why aren’t we all putting ice cream in our coffee? We call this a free country, but my god, Italy has a whole subgenre of desserts dedicated to this practice (affogato), and we have, what? A million alternative milks and a frankly sad selection of store-bought gelato? Pull it together, America!! 

Enter: The new “Cool Crème Frozen Creamers” from Coffee Mate. 

Okay, so we’re making strides. Coffee Mate just released something called “Cool Crème Frozen Creamers,” which are essentially pints of frozen coffee creamer that you’re supposed to scoop out and stir into your cup. Hot. Damn. These new Coffee Mate creamers come in two flavors: Vanilla Caramel Swirl and Cookies & Crème Crumble. No, these aren’t supposed to be used to make an affogato (which is essentially hot espresso poured over gelato, served with a spoon), but they still sound pretty fun. It’s exactly the kind of bastardization America would make out of a classic Italian dessert, and I think that’s beautiful. 

What is the purpose of a frozen creamer? Why would I ever buy this, Ariana?

Well, let’s break down the pros and cons. 

Pros: 

• Your creamer lasts indefinitely. 
• According to comments on this instagram post (we have yet to try it ourselves), it creates delicious cold foam on top of your coffee. 
• You can invite your friends over, offer them a spoonful, and laugh at them when they get confused. A classic Cece-and-Winston mess-around. 

Cons: 

• You have something in your freezer masquerading as ice cream that probably doesn’t taste that much like ice cream. Bummer.
• That’s it, that’s all I got.  

So this isn’t ice cream? Are you sure? Are you really sure? 

This feels like “is a hot dog a sandwich” territory to me. It’s frozen sugar and cream; if that doesn’t describe ice cream, I’m not sure what does. But I don’t have one in front of me to compare and contrast. I imagine the texture will be flatter and the flavors more neutral. 

But I want to eat it like ice cream. 

And I certainly will not stop you. I also won’t stop you from putting it in your soda (dirty-soda style), hot cocoa, or even your protein shakes, because why the hell not? We’re still living in a democracy, are we not?! Are we not?!?!? (Seriously, are we not? Someone tell me in the comments…)