What you like says a lot about you, but you know what says even more about you? Your mom when describing your life in excruciating, painstaking detail to her best friend Susan. But you know what says even MORE about you? Why, it’s which major grocery store matches your energy, of course. And if you aren’t sure what grocery store that might be, never fear, my grocery store-going friendos—here is our list of what grocery store you are based on your zodiac sign. So grab a cart and get out your list because we’re goin’ shoppin’.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Kroger
Kroger is just a solid store. People like it. Their generic brand products are great, they have everything from bougie to not-bougie-in-the-slightest, and the prices are pretty reasonable (or as reasonable as a grocery store can be in this economy). Kroger is the perfect fit for Aries because Aries are solid, likable folks. Are they wild and out there? No. Are they boring? Absolutely not. But people like them and they are nice to be around. Although, unlike Kroger, being friends with an Aries is inflation-proof.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Sprouts
Sprouts is just a grocery store, standing in front of a boy, telling him she’s a farmer’s market. And we love that for her. We really do. Sprouts tries really hard to have the calming chaos of an outdoor farmers market and, by golly, do they sort of succeed in that endeavor. Similarly, Tauruses have a certain chaos about them, but they really do put everyone at ease when they walk into a room with their calm, serene vibes.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Safeway/Vons
I mean, come on. These stores are identical twins and Geminis are all about twins and things with two different sides that make up one cohesive whole. These stores truly are the same and I would challenge anyone to find a real difference between them on the inside. There is a big difference between them in general though, which is that Vons is only in Southern California and Safeway is only in Northern California and the Pacific Northwest. So the people in them have different vibes. And much like these two store’s customers have two different vibes, so too do most Geminis on a given day.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Price Chopper
Cancers always seem to make a different impression than how they actually are. This is like Price Chopper, which sounds absolutely terrifying, but it turns out it’s just a grocery store. Who knew (besides the entire Northeast)? In this same way, Cancers can seem aloof or standoffish at times, but once you get to know them you see how warm and lightly insane they are (in the best possible way).
Leo (July 23-August 22): Bel Air
Hear me out: All Leos are both fresh and princes (at least in their own minds but usually in ours as well). Thus: Bel Air. A real name of a real supermarket. I bet it was called West Philadelphia before that. To my knowledge that is where most people in Bel Air come from.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Stop & Shop
Virgos are busy people and are often tempted to multitask while shopping, to shop online, or to simply forget to shop for the week. Well, this supermarket is a perfect match for Virgos because it reminds them exactly what they need to do every once in a while: actually stop and shop. Love that this grocery store cares so much about the Virgos’ mental health and self-care.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Whole Foods
Libras love balance and harmony and you know who else does? Whole foods, baybee! The go-to grocery store for affluent people and hippies alike. Libras love natural and earthy products and vibes, and since that is the entire vibe of Whole Foods, these two are a perfect match.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Aldi
Aldi is mysterious. In fact, every food is a mystery food. Why? Because it is one of those stores where nothing is name brand and is instead Aldi in-house brands, except a lot of the time those in-house brands are made by name brand companies and sometimes you can guess which companies made the things for Aldi. The point is, Aldi is one big mystery we get to solve (if solving grocery store mysteries is your jam), and so are Scorpios, the most mysterious sign of the bunch.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Grocery Outlet Bargain Market
Sagittariuses are the most curious of the signs, which is perfect for a store like Grocery Outlet where you never know what you are going to find but (surprise!) sometimes it is awesome, fancy, expensive things but marked down to $5 due to some imperceptible defect. The searching through the aisles to find the coolest foods for the best deals is a very Sagittarius thing to do, which is why those two are a perfect match.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): 99 Ranch Market
99 Ranch is one of those stores where you could walk through the whole thing and still not even perceive 75% of the items in there. There’s just too much good stuff. That is why 99 Ranch is Capricorns, the most patient of the signs. A Capricorn is more likely to take their time going through every single aisle and perceive more like 50% of the store, which is quite a bit more than the average human being. Now, this might mean they end up spending more money, but it also means they won’t have to make the trek back to get all the stuff they missed (which uses gas money). Basically, if you’re going to a 99 Ranch Market, take a Capricorn with ya.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Trader Joe’s
I mean is there a quirkier store to go with the quirkiest sign? I don’t think so. If you read the back of any Trader Joe’s product you’ll realize it sounds exactly like how your Aquarius friends talk. Trader Joe’s and Aquariuses were meant for each other—just the chaos and the innovative spirit alone make them a match made in nautical-themed grocery store heaven.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Publix
Pisces are the most romantic of the signs. They are whimsical and playful and often see the world through rose-colored glasses. Now I don’t know if you have ever heard Publix’s slogan, but it is: “Where shopping is a pleasure.” I MEAN. Pleasure? Romance? Pisces? Pterodactyls? (Strike that last one.) It just pmakes psense. Publix makes shopping a pleasure and Pisces people make living a pleasure, so take a Pisces to a Publix today, and have the greatest day of your adult life.