When people find out that I “still” drink soda (phrasing I resent), they are shocked, confused, and often disgusted. My friends that smoke cigarettes and don’t wear sunscreen feel completely comfortable telling me that “soda is so unhealthy.” Everyone from close family members to strangers I’ve met at bars have urged me to quit drinking soda. No matter who they are, they always make the exact same suggestion: “Stop drinking soda and switch to seltzer.”
First of all, please know that you are not better than me because you drink seltzer instead of soda. You are, in fact, worse. You are worse because you are letting yourself foolishly pay extra money for water. And, worst of all, you are worse because you are living in a fantasy land where seltzer is a thing you actually want to drink.
If you think you like the taste of seltzer, you are wrong and it is time to finally be honest with yourself. You like the idea of seltzer. You like the promise of seltzer. In reality, you do not actually like seltzer.
Seltzer is what you reach for when you’re craving a whisper of flavor or the sentiment of taste. It is a coward’s beverage for the health-obsessed. If you want real, unadulterated deliciousness, there is no substitute for soda. Suggesting that one can wean oneself off soda by increasing their intake of seltzer is a fool’s errand. It simply does not make sense. Replacing soda with flavored seltzer would be like trying to replace smoking weed with taking a big breath of fresh air. Both are inhaling, but they are not the same in any way.
You might be thinking to yourself, “This doesn’t concern me. I don’t drink soda.” You’re probably forgetting all the drinks you enjoy that seem healthy or fancy but are still technically soda. The San Pellegrino you sip at your favorite Italian brunch spot? That’s an expensive orange soda. A Cuba Libre at a hip bar? That’s just rum and Coke! You may be able to ignore Sprite and A&W, but soda is still creeping its way into your life (and you’re loving it).
Soda contains sugar (and lots of it). It also has food coloring and chemicals. These are things my brain can easily comprehend. Seltzer, on the other hand, contains “natural flavors.” It also has little to no calories. All the flavors from nature I’m familiar with have at least some caloric value. This begs me to ask the question: What is in seltzer?!
And I know soda is bad for me. Of course, soda is bad for me! Anything that tastes as good as a Barq’s root beer has to be bad for me. That’s not the point of drinking soda. I haven’t tricked myself into thinking Coke is green juice. I’m drinking soda for enjoyment. Remember enjoyment? It’s a thing you do purely to make yourself happy.
It’s 2022. Everything is hard. We need to find and harness as much joy as we possibly can. Yes, having a soda three times a week is less nutritious than never having soda. But, on the other hand, having three 20-ounce bottles of Dr. Pepper over ice each week keeps me mentally sound. My therapist even encourages it! You don’t need to feel guilty for wanting to enjoy something. You don’t need to feel like you always must choose the healthier option. And most importantly, you don’t need to choose seltzer over soda.
Read Sporked’s list of the best sodas if you don’t drink caffeine.
