Which Tinned Fish Are You Based on Your Zodiac Sign?

I know what you are thinking: You can guess exactly which tinned fish you are based on your zodiac sign. You think you’ve got this one “in the can,” so to speak. Well, you are about to find out if you are correct, because today we tell you which tinned fish you are based on your zodiac sign, and don’t fret, the fish puns in this article are packed in like sardines. I’m not just telling ~tails~, there will be puns on a ~scale~ that will make you want to yell, “Holy Mackerel!” This article will be absolutely ~swimming~ with them. So without further ado, let’s open up this can of…well…fish, and see where you all net out.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Smoked Oysters

tinned fish zodiac aries

Oysters will never not be bougie, even when they come from a can. We all know bougie things are for winners, and Aries people? Well, if they aren’t winners, I don’t know who is. Plus, much like Ninja Turtles, both oysters and Aries folks fancy themselves heroes in a half shell, so this seems like a great personality fit.

Read the full ranking of the best canned oysters

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Wild Alaskan Sockeye Salmon

tinned fish zodiac taurus

Tauruses like it when you are straight with them and say what you mean, and with tinned Wild Alaskan Sockeye Salmon, you know exactly what you are going to get. It’s all there in the name—nothing fishy about it, metaphorically speaking, that is. Technically, there is a lot that is fishy about it.

Read the full ranking of the best canned salmon

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Salt Cod

tinned fish zodiac gemini

Okay hear me out: Haddock is in the cod family, and Geminis are chaotic, so you could say they are always ~wreaking haddock~ ahahaha. And if you want a “real” reason, salt cod has two main components: salt and cod. This is just like Geminis, who also have two main components: salt and cod.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Crab

tinned fish zodiac cancer

There really was no other choice for this one—if you disagree then you are full of abalone.

Read the full ranking of the best canned crab meat

Leo (July 23-August 22): Mussels in Oil

tinned fish zodiac mussels

I have a theory that all bodybuilders are Leos, and thus mussels in oil seemed like a perfect fit. I also recognize that while all bodybuilders are Leos, not all Leos are bodybuilders, so for you other Leos out there—if there are oiled mussels (or muscles) in the room, who isn’t looking? Exactly. Y’all are attention magnets and we love you for that.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Albacore Tuna in Oil

tinned fish zodiac virgo

Tinned tuna—it is versatile, classic, and keepin’ it alba(hard)core, just like Virgos. If you are looking for some delicious protein but want something a bit fancier than Chicken of the Sea, some tinned tuna in oil may just be the utilitarian and tasty protein source you are looking for. Similarly, if you want a person who is bougie, but also down to earth and able to be calm in any situation, that’s a Virgo in a seashell.

Read the full ranking of the best canned tuna

Libra (September 23-October 22): Anchovies

tinned fish zodiac libra

Anchovies add complexity and balance to any dish they are in and Libras do the same to any social group they are in. Both Libras and anchovies are just lil fish bringing harmony to the bigger pond, and you know what? That’s a beautiful thing.

Read the full ranking of the best canned anchovies

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Herring

tinned fish zodiac scorpio

Scorpios are mysterious and hard to pin down and you know what gets detectives in mystery novels all mixed up and turned around? Herrings. Red ones, to be specific. They always think the suspect smells fishy (metaphorically), but then it is just a (metaphorical) red herring and it turns out the DJ did it BUM Buh BUHHHHHHH! (Just kidding I don’t know a single murder mystery where the DJ did it, but hey, if you know of one, please drop it in the comments, looking to expand my horizons). Plus, tinned herring is known for being slightly sweet and nutty, just like our Scorpio friends.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Sardines

tinned fish zodiac sagittarius

You might be thinking, “I don’t know anything about sardines except that they are tightly packed in their tin since I have only ever heard of them in a metaphorical, idiomatic sense and have never actually tried one.” If this is you, I get it, because same. But I bet curious and adventure-seeking Sagittarians have tried sardines (or would if they were offered some). Either way, Sagittarians would have done the research to know that sardines taste like a much milder, often less salty, less umami anchovies that are ready to absorb the flavor of whatever sauce you put on them, just like Sagittarians are ready to absorb new information.

Read the full ranking of the best canned sardines

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Smoked Mackerel

tinned fish zodiac capricorn

Capricorns, as the oldest souls of the Zodiac, are most likely to unironically say “Holy Mackerel!”

Yes, this is my whole reasoning. Say what you will, but I think my argument ~holds water~ (get it? like the ocean!).

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Smoked Salmon with Chili Crisp

tinned fish zodiac aquarius

Aquarians must be different. It is a need that runs deep in their veins. And you know what is different and creative and delicious? Tinned fish that comes with chili crisp on it. Tinned fish with chili crisp is spicy, isn’t like the other girls, and really turned the whole tinned fish world on its head—all things that could be said about Aquarians, as well.

Read the full ranking of the best canned salmon

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Smoked Rainbow Trout

tinned fish zodiac pisces

Ah, Pisces, the sign of the fish. The sign of nostalgia. The sign of all things romanticized and seen through rose-colored glasses. But what if those glasses were rainbow-colored?!? Rainbow is arguably rarer and more romantic than rose and what other fish can claim it has “rainbow” in its name?! (Probably a lot, honestly; I didn’t look this up before I wrote it.) Regardless, the very vibe rainbows exude matches the Pisces vibe, and thus these smoky, delicious, tinned rainbow fish must be Pisces.

Read our ranking of the best canned trout


About the Author

Jessica Block

Jessica Block is a freelance contributor to Sporked, a comedian, a baker, a food writer, and a firm believer that Trader Joe's may just be the happiest place on earth. She loves spicy snacks, Oreos, baking bread, teeny tiny avocados, and trying new foods whenever she can. Also, if you give her a bag of Takis she will be your best friend.

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