The Traitors Cast Is Obsessed with This Smoked Salmon—Here’s a $6 Dupe

Greetings, Faithfuls. I hope you all slept well last night. Alas, it appears all but one of you have survived breakfast, but only the swift were able to seize the smoked salmon platter. A pity. Because today’s mission is certainly… fishy. 

Ariana, stop talking like that. You will never be the silk-robed and silver-tongued Alan Cumming. It’s a little sad watching you try. 

Darling… shut up. I’ll do what I want, when I want. For today’s mission, we’re setting out to find a dupe for the most infamous breakfast item on the Traitors season four set: the smoked salmon. 

In case you’re not keeping up with Traitors this season, the cast members are pretty wild about the breakfast salmon. (Except Rob. He’s out here downing hard-boiled eggs in one bite. Could not be truer to your nature, snake man.) At this point, the smoked salmon feels almost as prized as an immunity shield. Production only puts a certain amount of smoked salmon at the table (for budget purposes, I presume), and it’s always all gone by the time everyone finally arrives, to the dismay and frustration of those walking in last. 

I understand them completely; I would absolutely lose it if I sat down to an empty plate where there was once delicious smoked salmon with lemon and capers and cream cheese. Ugh. Greedy bastards. I’m genuinely getting a little heated writing this. Is smoked salmon my favorite food? It might be. You learn something about yourself every day, I guess.

What is so spellbinding about this smoked salmon in particular? 

Good question. There have been many interviews and articles trying to get to the bottom of it (I’m serious), but I think it boils down to something Maura Higgins said in her interview with Elite Daily: “I think it’s because we only had toast, which was cold. We had some pastries, which they weren’t the greatest. And then we had cold boiled eggs. We didn’t have anything else, so the salmon was like, ‘Oh my God. Salmon.’” 

Admittedly, I thought the cast’s obsession with the salmon had something to do with the way it was prepared. Apparently it’s just the best thing on the table, because all the other food is, um, bad. (This is the UK we’re talking about…)

What kind of smoked salmon are they using?

We don’t really know for sure (production hasn’t confirmed anything), but we can make an educated guess. Since the show is filmed in Scotland, it’s likely Scottish salmon, aka the regional specialty of cold-smoked Atlantic salmon. The largest of all salmon types, btw, growing to 1m in length. That’s just over a yard for my fellow idiots Americans. They’re super pink, too, because of their diet of shrimp and krill, and they purportedly carry a mild, buttery taste. 

With all that in mind, our dupe for the grocery store is… drum roll please…

Latitude 45 Cold Smoked Atlantic Salmon. Which you can buy, for CHEAP, at Walmart. I’m talking $5.83 for a pack. It’s our favorite brand of smoked salmon, yes, but that’s not why I picked it. 

Um, why did you pick it? Because this is farm-raised salmon from the Chilean Patagonian region in South America… not Scottish salmon? Hello?

Look, we tried brands that were allegedly “Scottish salmon,” and I’m sorry, but they weren’t that good. Latitude’s salmon might not come from the waters of Scotland specifically, but it is cold-smoked, Atlantic, and luxuriously buttery. I’ll never understand how it tastes so expensive but costs so little. It almost feels, dare I say… a little treacherous?

So buy your fill, stuff your bellies, and be on your guard at tonight’s round table. 

Until next breakfast, Faithfuls.