Okay, Maybe I Hate The New Starbucks Fall Merch Too Much

There’s probably nothing so simultaneously draining, privileged, useless, and yet still somehow passion-inducing as actively disliking product branding. If you’ve ever tried it, you’ll find it’s deeply absorbing. Of course we all pay attention to a massive variety of things, usually on a psychologically reasonable gradient of “this is actually important” to “okay, now I’m just emotional window shopping.” 

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So yes, none of what follows should suggest that I don’t consider major matters in life, or that disproportionate thought should be given to the endless churn, cycle, and burn of seasonal product launches. (Seriously, let’s all go outside.) But even I was sort of…shocked at how powerfully, and instantaneously, I knew I just…really hated the new Starbucks Fall Merch. 

Let’s Be Real: The Mugs Are Terrible

The merch is being released as part of what Starbucks is calling, on purpose, the PSL Society Collection. (Take a minute, think about how many people who make more money than you approved that choice and then ordered expensive lunch salads.) Now zoom in on the photo: this cult-like gathering of the drinkware includes two awful mugs and two hideous cold cups―any of which will make a great gift for someone you’re too shy to say “I hate you” to in person. 

Remember the “Bearista” cup? That was good. Moderately thought out. Punny. These aren’t. Granted not every cup has to be shaped like an adorable teddy bear, but neither cup here has any apparent, creative intentional design. The only design element here is that both cups look like they’ve been lazily doodled with orange Sharpie pumpkins. And yes, there’s such a thing as a casual, edgy aesthetic. There’s also this, the pseudo-abstractionism that corporations use to Banksy-up the selling price of coffee cups. 

Moving on. Color choice. Or lack thereof. Seriously, in a season rich and spicy with some of nature’s most vibrant saucy little tones, Starbucks and Owala decided to go all in on… doctor’s waiting room beige. Sure, the previous collaboration with Owala was very, very pink, but at least it had some energy to it. And yes, I get those white smears and spots on the classic iced to-go cup are meant to be casually patterned, which would be lovely―except this cup looks like someone forgot to wash a cottage cheese parfait out of it eight days ago. 

And Another Thing

There’s also a hat mentioned in the PSL Society talk, but I’m afraid if I look it up and find reasons to complain, either I’ll get lost in the pointless vortex of my own vapidity or an actual PSL Society van will pull up because we need to have a sip and a talk about some of my opinions.

Bear in mind: this should be a swing and a miss. But PSL passion runs so… deep and orange… that they’ll likely sell out anyway. People will get that squiggly pumpkin tattooed on their necks, etc., which might actually look cool. And that’s all good―whatever makes you happy. But really, our standards should be higher.