Gwynedd Stuart
Much to the chagrin of the pronatalist movement, I am not a mom—but I do like a canned, boozy beverage every now and again, so I suppose I’m still permitted to consume Mom Water.
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What is Mom Water?
It’s a relatively new brand of canned, vodka-based beverages. Launched in 2021, Mom Water’s cute gimmick is that each flavor corresponds to a woman’s name and they leaned towards names that have a decidedly “mom” feel: Linda, Susan … yes, even Karen is represented. Cutesy stuff aside, the brand’s raison d’etre is that their drinks are uncarbonated and low in pretty much everything—low cal (90 a can), zero sugar, zero carbs—while still having a respectable ABV of 4.5%. But what about flavor? Well, they’re low in that, too.
You know when you leave an open can of LaCroix out overnight and take a swig the next day and it’s transformed into just, like, flat, vaguely fruit-flavored still water? That’s kind of what Mom Water tastes like. As I wrote in my notes, these are “wildly mild.” But if you’ve had as many offensively saccharine, artificially sweetened hard seltzers and hard teas as I’ve had, you know that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
How we conducted our Mom Water taste test
I called it a day early at Sporked HQ, cracked open the seven flavors of Mom Water we were able to find at stores near us, and tasted them one by one. With a little help from my colleagues (including one who actually IS a mom), we judged them on how successfully they achieved their various fruit flavors and, also, how good those fruit flavors taste in the format. The vodka base does lend a little bit of bitterness, so it’s nice when the fruit flavors balance that out, even if they aren’t “sweet” per se.
From Susan to Linda, these are the best Mom Water flavors, ranked from meh to muah.
- Susan (Strawberry Kiwi)
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“Kind, passionate, candid”
Strawberry and kiwi are both fruit flavors that don’t really shine unless a lot of sugar is involved. Full disclosure: I brought all of the leftover Mom Waters home to drink at my leisure and this one actually ended up growing on me a bit—but it’s still not the best Mom Water flavor, especially if you’re attached to the circa-1990s version of a strawberry-kiwi beverage.
Credit: Liv Averett / Total Wine & More
- Karen (Lemon Blueberry)
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“Bold, daring, unique”
I would have absolutely LOVED to have given the Karens of the world a reason to love their name, but I’m sorry! The lemon flavor tastes a little bit like cleanser and, while it’s still whispery, it’s powerful enough that the blueberry doesn’t really break through.
Credit: Liv Averett / Mom Water
- Carol (Cranberry Lime)
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“Clever, confident, lively”
Like all Mom Water flavors, this one is made entirely with natural flavors, but like the lemon, the lime manages to taste a little artificial to me. This is totally fine—and it’s also seasonal, so you shouldn’t get too attached.
Credit: Liv Averett / Mom Water
- Julie (Passion Fruit)
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“Witty, light hearted, spontaneous”
Okay, this is either squarely mid or the best Mom Water flavor. That depends on you. If you want a Mom Water flavor that tastes like almost nothing, this is your guy! Or, er, your lady. But if you like bolder flavors, you’ll really hate this. It’s not recognizable as passion fruit. Or anything really. It’s just like slightly fruit flavored water.
Credit: Liv Averett / Great American Craft Spirits
- Louise (CItrus Cucumber)
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“Genuine, inspiring, loyal”
This tastes like nice spa water with just a little bit of bitterness from the vodka. Cucumber is the main flavor profile, which we didn’t mind given that the citrus flavors weren’t really hitting for us.
Credit: Liv Averett / Mom Water
- Sandy (Coconut Mango)
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“Mellow, chill, balanced”
This Mom Water flavor is very beachy and very tropical. A lot of these have a decent amount of bitterness on the finish, but this flavor profile is a little more forgiving. If you’ve ever woken up in the morning and guzzled the dregs of a flat coconut LaCroix, you know exactly what this tastes like. But at least it gets you a little drunk!
Credit: Liv Averett / Total Wine & More
- Linda (Blueberry Peach)
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“Charismatic, playful, creative”
This is the best Mom Water flavor, and not just because it shares its name with my mother-in-law, Linda, who I love and miss very, very much. The blueberry-peach flavor is nice because you can taste it. And it’s accurate. Blueberries in particular are very mild, so it makes sense that this alcoholic water has a mild flavor. It’s pleasant. I would drink this during the day at a park if it was really cold (the drink not the park) and I didn’t want to feel bloated and belchy.
Credit: Liv Averett / Mom Water
Mom Water!
Mom Water!
Mom Water
Mom Water!
Mom Water!
Mom Water!
Jessica Block
Thoughts? Questions? Complete disagreement? Leave a comment!