Your (Much Anticipated) Canned Vegetable Horoscope

Ah, canned vegetables. The linchpins of any good earthquake kit or apocalypse hoard. The pantry staples that prevent you from forever having fresh produce rotting in your fridge (okay, you probably still have produce rotting in your fridge). They may seem like a relic from the 1950s, but when you need peas for your mac and cheese, tomatoes for homemade marinara, or beans for chili that you don’t have to soak overnight (like anyone has time for that), you’re gonna be dang happy they occupy a whole aisle in your 21st century grocery store. There they are, just sitting on their little shelves, each with its own personality, waiting to be assigned a zodiac sign by yours truly. And so I shall. That way when fall rolls around and you’re shopping for the 20 different canned veggies you need for Thanksgiving dinner, you’ll know which one is sooooo Pisces (spoiler alert it’s canned yams).

Aries (March 21-April 19): Chickpeas

canned vegetable zodiac aries

Chickpeas are versatile. They play well with others. They can be savory or sweet, you can blend them to make hummus, air fry them a crispy snack, toss them into a salad as a protein source, or use them to make a mean veggie curry—truly, they can do anything. As canned vegetables go, they are popular for a reason, just like Aries, who are versatile, popular, and play well with others. Garbanzo beans are inoffensive but not without personality, and we think Aries will appreciate that.

Read the full ranking of the best canned chickpeas

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Creamed Corn

canned vegetable zodiac taurus

Creamed corn is one of the few canned veggies that comes packed in a sauce with buttery, salty, flavorful creamy goodness. And that’s why they have to be Taurus. Yes, both creamed corn and Taurus are soothing and comforting presences in our lives, but they are also pretty dang interesting. Tauruses will surprise you with that random thing they do that they think is normal but no one else does. I once had a Taurus friend who kept the tamper cap on their deodorant. Not the normal cap, the cap you throw away that comes with solid deodorants when they are new. I still think about this occasionally. Anyway—Tauruses, creamed corn, you get it.

Read the full ranking of the best canned corn

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Pumpkin

canned vegetable zodiac gemini

I mean, come on—canned pumpkin can do anything. Use it in sweet pumpkin pies, savory curries, orange-tinged pastas—you never know what flavor profile you are going to get when there is canned pumpkin involved. Likewise, you never quite know what you are going to get when you hang out with a Gemini—will they be sweet? Salty? Spicy? No matter what you get, you know it’s about to be fun.

Read the full ranking of the best canned pumpkin

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Split Pea Soup

canned vegetable zodiac cancer

People get the wrong idea about split pea soup. People see the color and think it’s just mashed-up peas (which is, believe it or not, a real thing they eat in England…by choice). But pea soup is so much more than that—it’s savory, umami, and often meaty and smoky. Split Pea soup may not seem super complex at first glance, but trust me, it will surprise you, and it’s the same way with Cancers.

Read the full ranking of the best split pea soup

Leo (July 23-August 22): Green Beans

canned vegetable zodiac leo

Name the first canned vegetable you think of. Boom! I bet it was green beans. Now name the first sign most Leos think of. Boom! I bet it was Leo. I rest my case.

Read the full ranking of the best canned green beans

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Veggie Chili

canned vegetable zodiac virgo

Virgos are organized, busy, and Type A, but that doesn’t mean they don’t also want to have a great time. Enter canned veggie chili, the “technically a canned vegetable” that is not only already a meal ready to go for our busiest bees the Virgos, but it’s also absolutely delicious. Win-win!

Read the full ranking of the best canned chili

Libra (September 23-October 22): Vegetable Blend

canned vegetable zodiac libra

The canned veggie blend has a good balance of different colors, textures, and flavors, all coming together as an aesthetically pleasing and harmonious whole. Libras absolutely LOVE it when people get together, mesh well, and get along, and this product is a prime example of that happening right in a can.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Baby Corn

canned vegetable zodiac scorpio

Scorpios are intriguing people—you never quite know what their next move will be. You know what also keeps me guessing? Baby corn. What is it? Is it corn? If it is corn then where did the cob go? Do we technically eat the cob when we eat baby corn? Why are these little things so delicious but only used in, like, three dishes? They’re a kernel-covered mystery with Scorpio vibes.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): New Potatoes

canned vegetable zodiac sagittarius

Sagittarians are the most curious of the signs so I wonder if they, like me, are wondering what the heck canned potatoes are used for. A true Sagittarian would look it up and let you know, but alas, I am an Aquarian, so I shall leave you all in the dark.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Vegetable Broth

canned vegetable zodiac capricorn

Capricorns are the most mature and patient of the signs. They are those friends of yours who take the time to save their veggie scraps and then take the time to boil them down and make broth out of them once a month. But even they sometimes have to use the store-bought stuff in a pinch—hence—veggie broth is the embodiment of our Capricorn friends.

Read the full ranking of the best vegetable broth

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Diced Tomatoes

canned vegetable zodiac aquarius

Aquarians feel the need to be unique, literally always. How do I know this? I am an Aquarius and I feel the need to be unique, literally always. And since Aquarians are so—say it with me—“different,” you already know what canned veggie we have to be. That’s right, tomatoes. Because thems is fruits. Gotcha!

Read the full ranking of the best canned tomatoes

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Canned Yams

canned vegetable zodiac pisces

Canned yams are one of the few sweet offerings on this list. They are nostalgic and hearty and are great in pies, casseroles, soups, and more. They just add that bit of comforting, whimsical flair to any dish, just like Pisces people add a whimsical flair to our lives. Also, “canned” and “yams” have some internal rhyming going on (consonance, if you will), and I do believe our dramatic, poetic little Pisces people out there love that kind of thing.

Read the full ranking of the best canned yams

About the Author

Jessica Block

Jessica Block is a freelance contributor to Sporked, a comedian, a baker, a food writer, and a firm believer that Trader Joe's may just be the happiest place on earth. She loves spicy snacks, Oreos, baking bread, teeny tiny avocados, and trying new foods whenever she can. Also, if you give her a bag of Takis she will be your best friend.

Thoughts? Questions? Complete disagreement? Leave a comment!

Your thoughts.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *