Everyday Items That Should Be Made of Food

Why aren’t there more products out there with the combined whimsy and utility of edible underwear, candy necklaces, and cereal straws? I know I cannot be the only one wondering about the unlimited potential of functional food. So to any company’s R&D department looking to innovate and expand your product line, this one’s for you.

Fruit Snack Bumper Case

For too long the sturdiness and potential shock absorbency of Welch’s Fruit Snacks have gone unnoticed and underutilized in the world of functional food. I wish to harness these powers in the palm of my hand—more specifically, on the back of my phone. The usefulness of a phone bumper case made of Fruit Snacks is enough to sell me on it, but once we introduce the edible factor into the equation, there is nothing stopping me from shouting, “TAKE MY MONEY!” Imagine scrolling through your phone and then snacking away on its fruity, chewy case. That sounds like a perfect afternoon to me.

Puff Pastry Diary + Icing Pen

In the blank pages of a puff pastry diary, even our deepest, darkest secrets will be safe because as we all know, the best way to truly get rid of evidence is to eat it. With ordinary pen and paper, this might pose an issue, but the Puff Pastry Diary™ is functional food that is made to be destroyed. This way no one will ever find out that I am secretly three cats in a trench coat. 

Fruit Roll-Ups Gloves

Speaking of dark secrets, don’t you hate it when you do a crime and your fingerprints are found at the scene? Well, with gloves made of Fruit Roll-Ups material, the crushing fear of your criminal past catching up to you will be a thing of the past! I’m big on eating evidence, if you can’t already tell. And I bet that General Mills could throw together some pretty stylish gloves out of Fruit Roll-Ups material (which is essentially candied fruit leather). Now, I don’t actually want to commit a crime, but… if everyone else has their stylin’ fruity crime gloves on and are raring to go, I’d hate to be the only one left out of this functional food crime fiasco.

Hard Candy Helmet

Considering how many times I’m sure someone has chipped a tooth on a jawbreaker, I’m surprised we haven’t put the durability of hard candy to use in the creation of protective/safety products. Per Rhett & Link’s suggestion to make this functional food even better, we could add a marshmallow lining to cushion any potential blows. And the financial sting of having to get a new helmet every time you get into a collision would be lessened by the fact that you could eat your old one!

Bread-Based Lunchbox

You’re already putting food in there—why not make it into a giant sandwich? If you put the right foods in a bread lunchbox, you are setting yourself up for success—and a well-balanced meal. The bread might have to be on the toastier side to retain its shape, but you could put all sorts of things in there: lunch meats, lettuce, tomato, and beyond. Each corner holds a new surprise! If you’re feeling brave one day, you could even fill it with clam chowder!

Twizzler Belt

On a Good Mythical Morning episode entitled Will It Shorts?, Link’s Twizzler shorts held up so well that I began to wonder, why stop at shorts? Let’s accessorize and get a belt going! Twizzlers have that woven look to them already, and I think their extra ridges would allow for ample friction and staying power if they were braided or woven into a belt. 

Seaweed Sports Bra

Still with me? Okay, good. Surely, everyone has dreamed of being a mer-person at some point in their life. And if you haven’t, don’t be such a guppy! Perhaps a Seaweed Sports Bra will be your gateway garment. Now, I love a seaweed snack and I’ve learned that the larger sheets of seaweed can be pretty pliable, especially if they’re a little moist. Think of this like wearing denim while it’s wet to get it to form to your shape a little better. The Seaweed Sports Bra could be the one-size-fits-all top to bring all your Ariel cosplay aspirations to the land of the surface dwellers.