Everything We Know About the Kool-Aid Man

I think we can all agree that, if something HAD to burst through your load-bearing kitchen wall for the sake of product placement, the Kool-Aid Man is the best option. For years this sentient pitcher of frosty cold cherry drink has been slamming onto our television screens and getting the party started, and leaving sky-high foundation repair bills in his wake. But, hey, the guy’s so cool I bet nobody ever minds. Here’s everything we know about everyone’s favorite spokes-jug…everything except why he never showed up to any of the birthday parties I invited him to when I was in elementary school. Boy, he would have been such a hit…

What is the Kool-Aid Man’s name?

Since the big fella doesn’t have a driver’s license we can swipe, we’ll have to rely on the internet to give us this information. According to my research, our hero is sometimes referred to as the “Kool-Aid Guy,” “Captain Kool-Aid,” “Frankie D. Kool-Aid,” or “Frankie D’Kool-Aid.” But, for all intents and purposes, he is most commonly known as the Kool-Aid Man…even though Frankie is indeed a cool name.

Is the Kool-Aid Man the jar or the liquid?

This is kind of the “chicken or the egg” question for the supermarket set. Is the Kool-Aid Man the pitcher or the actual Kool-Aid that pitcher contains? Frankly, it delves into a more philosophical discussion than I have the authority to expound upon. (Do you really want the guy whose primary creative influences are various animated waterfowl to decide whether we are our bodies or the souls therein? Don’t be dethpicable.) 

However, though there’s been much spirited debate online over the true nature of the Kool-Aid Man’s being, according to the 2013 commercial entitled “The Jug Life” our friend can exist fully without the delicious elixir inside. He simply chooses whatever Kool-Aid flavor he wants that day the same way we’d choose what shirt to wear. So, breathe a sigh of relief and say it with me: “The Kool-Aid is not his blood!” 

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How much does the Kool-Aid Man weigh?

Researchers have determined that, figuring the amount of glass and liquid that would make up our thirst-quenching buddy, an actual living Kool-Aid Man would be around 11,000 lbs. This is about as much as a standard-sized elephant.

How tall is the Kool-Aid Man?

The Kool-Aid Man was designed to be a nice, clean 6 feet tall. No lying on dating apps for this guy. 

How old is the Kool-Aid Man?

Though a proto-typical version of the mascot was designed back in 1954, the official version (complete with arms and legs) was set in stone in 1974. This makes the Kool-Aid Man officially 49 years old…so, uh, not to be ageist or anything but, maybe don’t drink the stuff inside that pitcher. 

The Kool-Aid Man, no matter his flavor, will always be a welcome guest in my house. But guy, please, for once, maybe just ring the doorbell and wait for me to let you inside.

About the Author

Joe Rumrill

Joe Rumrill is a fictional one-eyed spinach-loving sailor created in 1929 by E.C Se- Wait, no, that's not right... Joe Rumrill is a stand up comedian and writer currently based in Los Angeles. His favorite thing about food is a close tie between the taste and the nutrients one gets from it. His least favorite thing about it is the "gritty, dirt-like quality some food has", but he's most likely referring to the time in third grade he was dared to eat playground sand.

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