We’re all familiar with candy conversation hearts, those crunchy little morsels of sugar emblazoned with amorous phrases that appear in stores around Valentine’s Day (and if you aren’t, where’ve you been, dawg?). Whether they’re Sweethearts or Brach’s (Sporked‘s preferred conversation hearts), I think we can all agree these candy convos are in need of a major overhaul. I mean when’s the last time you unironically said “Be Mine” to someone? That feels like it’s coming on way too strong for 2023. And while candy hearts may have originated around the time of the Civil War (yes, for real), we didn’t, so it seems only fair that we get some updated conversation heart sayings for the second Roaring Twenties this candy format has endured. Sure, they’ve been updated a lot since 1866 (Sweethearts mixes new ones in with the classics every year), but I have some constructive thoughts. I mean, one of the sayings in 2020 was “CUP CAKE” I …
Anyway, I’ve complained enough. Here are some conversation heart sayings I think they need to be using in 2023. Plus the longest saying I could find (PUGS & KITTENS—again, why?) was 14 characters so that’s the limit I’m setting for myself.
- UR OK I GUESS
Sweethearts’ theme last year for candy conversation heart sayings was “words of encouragement,” so, to mix it up a little bit, I think this year’s theme should be “negging.”
- UR ON MUTE 😉
This one is fun because it is impossible to tell what this person thinks of you. Do they just want to tell you your mic is off on Zoom or does the wink mean they are simply dying to hear your voice?
- SHARE UR SCRN
Hey, any good therapist will tell you that sharing is a hallmark of a healthy relationship.
- LUV UR MASK
For when they have a cool mask. Or when they don’t have a mask at all. Then you can say, “Oh wait, that’s just your beautiful face, not a mask. Whoops, silly me.” And they will totally think you are being genuine. Or a doof. Either way is a net positive.
- UR MY DUKE
For the Bridgerton fans.
- CAN U NOT
For when someone keeps trying to pick you up using candy conversation hearts.
- TIKTOK FAMOUS
If you are, people should know. Flaunt that follower count, girlie. Also, if this flex is a huge turnoff for you, the use of this heart immediately tells you which people to avoid.
- CANDY HEART
So people know what it is they are holding/eating—you can never be too clear when it comes to love.
- IM THE PROBLEM
Truer words have never been spoken by our friend Taylor (T-Swizzie) Swift in her new hit song, “Anti-Hero.” Ironically, this song is TIKTOK FAMOUS.
- HI, HOW R U?
C U THERE!
I always thought it was weird that you couldn’t have a real conversation with candy conversation hearts. Well, with these you could not only have a conversation, but you could also walk out of that convo with a dinner date at McDonald’s. Why McDonald’s? Because then this conversation works practically anywhere in the world. See? I’m lookin’ out for ya.
Have fun this Valentine’s Day, y’all. Let me know if you see any of the above sayings out in the wild on candy hearts. And if you happen to work at Sweethearts or Brach’s and want me to write some of these for you in the future, be sure to DRP ME A LINE.
Thoughts? Questions? Complete disagreement? Leave a comment!