The War on the Word Moist Must End

For whatever reason, very specific, mundane things become communally disliked within the cultural zeitgeist. I remember every hot girl in my high school suddenly “hated” feet one day out of the blue. They thought any and all feet (except their own) were “disgusting” and they would scream if a bare foot came anywhere near them. I remember pretending to be “scared” of feet because I thought it was cool, I guess? In reality, I feel totally neutral about human feet. I still feel awful for Chad Kroeger, the lead singer of Nickelback, because he and his band became the butt of every joke for seemingly no reason at all. “How You Remind Me” is a good song! And last, but not least, is the ick that infuriates me more than anything: People hating the word “moist.”

People absolutely cannot stand the word “moist.” They’ll exclaim “Ew!” or make gagging sounds as soon as it’s mentioned. Full-grown adults that curse and have had sex will freak as soon as “moist” is mentioned. This never ceases to absolutely baffle me.

Moist is, in my opinion, one of the best words in the English language. It’s 10/10. There are no notes. The word “moist” is perfect. If you don’t believe me, think about cake.

We can all agree that cake is incredible. Cake is so delicious that it’s the food you get on your birthday. And what qualities does a great cake have? It should be sweet and fluffy and…moist!!!!!! If someone hands me a slice of cake and doesn’t describe it as moist, I don’t want it. “Moist” perfectly describes a good cake. It means that it’s slightly damp, which is exactly how cake should be. If you don’t agree, you are a weird, dry-cake-loving loser.

At this point, you might be sitting at your computer and screaming, “Jordan! The word “moist” is gross because it makes me think of a crotch!” First of all, that’s on you. Why you think of dewy genitals when no one is talking about anything below the belt is something for you to figure out with your therapist. Secondly, what’s wrong with thinking about a groin? If the word “moist” conjures the concept of crotch in your mind, enjoy it!

The war on the word moist is unfounded, unfair, and tired. “Moist” has never done anything wrong and people need to accept that. Don’t be like the feet-fearing girls from my high school or the hoards of people who harassed my boy Chad. Don’t just hate the word “moist” because people have randomly decided it’s gross. Start appreciating the word “moist” for what it actually is: a vivid descriptor and companion to any well-crafted dessert.

About the Author

Jordan Myrick

Jordan is an L.A.-based writer and comedian who believes all food should come with extra sauce. When they're not writing for Sporked, Jordan is at the movies or sharing an order of french fries with their elderly chihuahua.

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  • Limp is the word to cringe at. I can think of nothing food related that the term ‘limp’ ever implies anything good.