What you are about to read is a positive review of Totino’s new breakfast pizza rolls…a positive review with a lot of caveats. Here at Sporked, there are several truths we hold to be self-evident. One of those is that Totino’s pizza rolls are delicious. They may barely resemble food, but even when they aren’t “good” in the traditional sense of the word, they’re still pretty damn good. Put a plate of these piping hot puppies in front of us, and we’re going to eat them (even if they’re Pepperoni & Bacon, our least favorite flavor). Anyway, we were pretty amped about the release of the new pizza rolls, which come in three breakfasty flavors: Sausage & Cheese Scramble, Cheesy Chorizo Scramble, and Bacon & Cheese Scramble.
Here’s where the caveats begin. Inside the Totino’s Pizza Roll wrapper you know and love, all of these breakfast pizza rolls have fillings that are referred to as “scrambles.” That would probably lead you to believe the fillings are made with egg, but they aren’t. There are little chunks of eggy-looking stuff inside these breakfast pizza rolls, but it isn’t egg. Presumably, it’s some kind of soy or pea protein, which would be cool for vegetarians, except that these all contain meat! Anyway, if you’re into pizza rolls, these reviews will interest you. If you are not into small microwavable pockets of unidentified substances, these probably are not for you! Go eat a bowl of cereal!
- Totino’s Breakfast Snack Bites Sausage & Cheese Scramble
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This was our least favorite of the new breakfast pizza rolls. It contains cheese, the unidentified scramble, and little balls of breakfast sausage.
Pros: The big pro here? These are still Totino’s Pizza Rolls, so they aren’t bad. The wrapper is crispy and a little oily. There are fun little bits of browned cheese around the edges of the seams. And the filling is peppery, which we liked.
Cons: The filling just doesn’t taste like much. Even though sausage is usually so salty, these honestly could have used a little bit more salt to amp up the flavor. This is a con for all of the rolls, but I also gotta say that the “scramble” doesn’t taste particularly good. Ideally, the meat would have enough flavor to compensate, but this sausage doesn’t do the trick.
Credit: Liv Averett / Ralphs
- Totino’s Breakfast Snack Bites Cheesy Chorizo
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The best thing about chorizo? It’s so dang oily in the most satisfying way. Totino’s doesn’t tend to shy away from grease, but these breakfast pizza rolls could have used a little more of that fatty goodness.
Pros: The chorizo has more spice and more salt than the regular breakfast sausage. That makes these a little more flavorful overall.
Cons: This meat in these little pockets just doesn’t really resemble chorizo. Instead of oily red crumbles of meat, there are dry brown crumbles of meat. I’m sure lots of people would embrace a less greasy breakfast, but I also don’t think those people are buying breakfast pizza rolls.
Credit: Liv Averett /Ralphs
- Totino’s Breakfast Snack Bites Bacon & Cheese Scramble
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Most of the Sporked team agreed that these are the best of the three new pizza rolls. The bacon doesn’t quite make up for the sins of the scramble, but it helps.
Pros: The bacon, which comes in little cubes, is a little salty, a little smoky, and has a nice chew. It’s a bit more like smoked ham than bacon, but it works. These breakfast pizza rolls taste the most like breakfast food.
Cons: Apologies for beating a dead horse, but the scramble didn’t help any of these rolls. And ultimately I missed the greasy nature of original pizza rolls eating all of these.
Credit: Liv Averett / Totino’s
