Velveeta Is Superior to All Cheeses

Velveeta is the best cheese out there. I don’t need to hear about the merits of manchego or the butteriness of burrata to know I’m right. Velveeta has everything you could want in a cheese: It’s creamy, salty, rich, and utterly (or should I say udderly) addictive. It is so delicious that I don’t even care that it is technically categorized as a “pasteurized prepared cheese product” and not really cheese at all.

They call Velveeta “liquid gold” for a reason. Its most iconic trait is that it melts like a dream. Nothing, and I mean nothing, melts like Velveeta. Add a slice to a grilled cheese or mix chunks of it in with macaroni for the perfect meal. It’s a wonderful burger topper for your next BBQ. You can even use your brick of Velveeta to make chocolate fudge! Trust me, I have and it’s really, really good.

While all other preparations are wonderful, queso is where Velveeta really shines. You can find this classic recipe on the back of any rectangular box of Velveeta. Tossed into a crockpot with a can of Ro-Tel diced tomatoes and green chilies, Velveeta truly ascends to an elite cheese. If you’ve been to a football tailgate or neighborhood potluck, you can attest to this fact.

I know people will disagree with this statement, but I even believe Velveeta can be added to a cheeseboard. Its soft texture makes it perfect for spreading on a cracker or an apple. Its mild flavor makes it the ideal accompaniment to mustards, jams, and honey. Don’t even get me started on Velveeta and charcuterie.

Like a standard pair of straight-leg, dark wash jeans, Velveeta works for all types of people. It is appealing to anyone at any age. It can be dressed up (pomme frites with truffled Velveeta sauce) or dressed down (cubes of cold Velveeta dipped in Buffalo sauce and eaten with your hands). It’s comfortable and easy and it makes you feel good without even trying. And similar to a standard pair of straight-leg, dark wash jeans, everyone should always have Velveeta on hand.

Unlike certain acclaimed cheeses–*cough* Humboldt Fog *cough*–Velveeta is affordable and easily accessible to everyone. You can acquire your own block of gold almost anywhere in America. In my opinion, it is impressive to be so represented in such a competitive dairy-based market.

Maybe you’ve decided that Velveeta isn’t for you and that is okay. I understand that both the taste and texture are specific. Additionally, I realize that Velveeta carries with it a stigma that has probably tainted your perception of this incredible cheese. Like any other delicacy, Velveeta isn’t going to be liked by everyone.

What I do ask, though, is that you start giving credit where credit is due. Velveeta deserves to be seen as a world-class cheese with many fine qualities and uses. It isn’t gross or bad just because it is cheap. To some, like me, it is a cheese (or prepared cheese product) worth writing an entire article about.

About the Author

Jordan Myrick

Jordan is an L.A.-based writer and comedian who believes all food should come with extra sauce. When they're not writing for Sporked, Jordan is at the movies or sharing an order of french fries with their elderly chihuahua.

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