Who Needs Coffee When You Have Mustard?

Yes. The rumors you’ve heard are true. When I start to feel the midday, midweek slump, I have a spoonful of French’s yellow mustard to put the pep back in my step. I don’t put it on bread or pair it with a cracker. I simply eat it off the spoon and it wakes me right up. Just think of it as a sandwich minus the sandwich. Why not have a typical cup of coffee to provide my much-needed energy jolt, you might ask? Because I like mustard!

To be clear, this is not for moral or health reasons. I don’t choose to abstain from coffee to cut back on caffeine or keep my teeth white. I don’t practice a religion that forbids consuming coffee. I don’t think I’m more interesting than other people for not drinking coffee. I don’t drink coffee because I think coffee tastes bad. Very, very bad.

I know this isn’t a sophisticated take, but it is the way I truly feel. I’ve had cult favorite coffees like Dunkin’ and fancy coffees at bougie L.A. shops. I don’t enjoy it. It’s too bitter for me—even with cream and sugar. I don’t even like frozen salted caramel mocha frappes (despite the fact that they are essentially milkshakes) because I can still taste the faint hint of coffee.

And know that I am not having mustard in place of food. The spoon of mustard comes into play when I have already eaten and am, in no way, shape, or form, hungry. Mustard is not a snack or a tactic for losing weight. Mustard serves as a delicious hack for perking myself up when I need a little boost.

Without fail, mustard is the perfect pick me up. It is tangy and salty and sour. My mouth puckers up and I feel more alive just thinking about it. If you’re not sold yet, here is a definitive list of why I think you should switch up your caffeine routine and give a mouthful of mustard a try.

  • Affordability
    Getting a daily coffee can really blow your budget. At around $3 a cup, the habit can easily run you $100 a month. One bottle of French’s yellow mustard is around $3. Depending on the size of your spoonful, a bottle can last you weeks to months.
  • Ease
    To enjoy my spoonful of daily mustard, I don’t have to heat anything up, place a delivery order, or stand in a line. The mustard lives in my fridge and is ready for consumption immediately.
  • Nutritional Value
    Healthline.com states that mustard contains: “iron, calcium, selenium, and phosphorus” as well as “antioxidants.” While a tablespoon of yellow mustard will probably not change the state of your health, it certainly isn’t worse for you than coffee.
  • A Change of Pace
    Looking to try something new or want to change up your regimen? Ditch coffee and dip into mustard!

I understand if you’re not ready to leave your morning brew behind and become a mustard convert completely. Habits are hard to break (plus, I know this idea is pretty freaky). I do, however, encourage you to try a tiny taste of midday mustard and see how you feel. It might just liven up your workweek.


About the Author

Jordan Myrick

Jordan is an L.A.-based writer and comedian who believes all food should come with extra sauce. When they're not writing for Sporked, Jordan is at the movies or sharing an order of french fries with their elderly chihuahua.

Thoughts? Questions? Complete disagreement? Leave a comment!

Your thoughts.

Your email address will not be published.

  • I like mustard. I think that’s cool.

    Reply
  • Mustard is also good for curing heartburn

    Reply
  • I’m very much so speechless on this one. Not knocking your choices, but I’m also 1000% sure that I simply do like mustard enough to try this one out. I like a lil bit of mustard but…idk, I don’t even like mustard enough for it to be a solo condiment, it’s always paired with ketchup, or mayo…or even sweet relish. My kiddo says “mustard is too loud to come to the party alone, he gotta bring someone to keep him quiet.” And that sums up my thoughts on mustard as well. Lol. But 🍻, do you, boo!

    Reply
    • yeah I don’t care about mustard either in fact I HATE mustard and think it is stupid.

      Reply
      • Hey guys took some time and thought about my comments and I just wanted to apologize to mustard my words were harsh and even though I still don’t like mustard I will acknowledge that I came on a little too strong

      • Yea…that was way harsh. Lol. I don’t at all hate mustard. I just feel he needs a partner as a condiment. Like “ketchup and…” or “mayo and…” even “sweet relish and…” if I’m eating a smoked sausage. But there’s no situation where I want mustard attending my mouth party solo as a condiment. So I’m like 100% sure that I do not want mustard as a spoonful, completely alone, to enter my mouth and anticipate being swallowed. No hate for mustard…he’s just too obnoxious alone. Lol.

  • This is the funniest article I’ve ever read

    Reply
  • Mustard. OhhhhHH I love mustard, shove my gullet full of that delectable yellow goo.

    Reply
  • does honey mustard work???

    Reply
    • I think this would be the equivalent of decaf coffee. Still good, though!

      Reply
  • When will you stop shoving your pro-mustard politics down our throats??

    Reply
  • Is this satire or real? I can’t tell.

    Reply
    • 100% real!

      Reply
  • Personally I think the Boo Berry mascot is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen

    Reply
  • Hell yes queen, I love coffee but mustard also slaps 😤

    Reply
  • Love this, mustard is glorious, if a movie theater has little dip cups for ketchup I fill them with mustard and dip my popcorn.

    Reply
  • I love mustard AND I hate coffee. This is brilliant!!!

    Reply
  • I have been shamed for eating mustard on its own…
    I prefer to just squirt some mustard in my mouth straight from the bottle. Saves you from having to wash a spoon.

    Reply
  • Ok great cool mustard instead of coffee, but like……what is it exactly about the mustard wakes you up?

    Reply
  • 100% may try this out if not just to see the looks I get from coworkers.

    Hate coffee, love mustard. Maybe I can replace soda with water and mustard…mustard water? Welp, off to google “mustard drinks”.

    Reply
  • Makes sense to me. Not any weirder than throwing back a shot of apple cider vinegar.

    Reply
    • Yes! I think that’s what makes the spoonful of mustard perk her up instead of the caffeine in coffee–the acidity really zapps the system! Yellow mustard does typically have vinegar in it, usually white wine vinegar, I believe. For people who like the idea but aren’t a fan of mustard, a shot of vinegar (ACV, probably) with or without water would probably be a good stand in for the afternoon slump.

      Reply
  • Welp. Now I have to give it a try!

    Reply
  • As a fan of both mustard and coffee, I’m unsure of how precisely to feel.

    Reply
  • Why not both? Mustard in coffee?

    Reply
  • I find this admirable. It’s absolutely weird but in a way that goes against societal expectations. I can’t stand mustard but I sometimes use lemon juice for a similar purpose.

    Reply
  • I am absolutely going to try this now. Mustard is delicious and if it can help me cut down on caffeine that would be glorious!

    Reply
  • Sounds interesting. I’ve ready you should have something fermented in your diet each day to aid in digestion. Mustard has vinegar which i think would count.

    Reply
  • Mustard Mustard makes me cry.
    I hate it, suicide.
    woo woo mustard man.
    With your crusty Mustard plan
    WOO WOO

    Reply
  • Jordan, the way you feel about coffee is how I feel about tea. It tastes like a sewer’s arsehole. I’ve tried it so many ways, and all I taste is nasty. And travel mugs that have had tea in them EVER are garbage in my house. I can still taste it. And nobody understands! “Oh, well, have you tried (fill in with any word you’ve ever seen or heard that precedes ‘tea’) tea? I KNOW you’ll like this one!” Arrgggghhhhh!

    Reply