Who Needs Coffee When You Have Mustard?

Yes. The rumors you’ve heard are true. When I start to feel the midday, midweek slump, I have a spoonful of French’s yellow mustard to put the pep back in my step. I don’t put it on bread or pair it with a cracker. I simply eat it off the spoon and it wakes me right up. Just think of it as a sandwich minus the sandwich. Why not have a typical cup of coffee to provide my much-needed energy jolt, you might ask? Because I like mustard!

To be clear, this is not for moral or health reasons. I don’t choose to abstain from coffee to cut back on caffeine or keep my teeth white. I don’t practice a religion that forbids consuming coffee. I don’t think I’m more interesting than other people for not drinking coffee. I don’t drink coffee because I think coffee tastes bad. Very, very bad.

I know this isn’t a sophisticated take, but it is the way I truly feel. I’ve had cult favorite coffees like Dunkin’ and fancy coffees at bougie L.A. shops. I don’t enjoy it. It’s too bitter for me—even with cream and sugar. I don’t even like frozen salted caramel mocha frappes (despite the fact that they are essentially milkshakes) because I can still taste the faint hint of coffee.

And know that I am not having mustard in place of food. The spoon of mustard comes into play when I have already eaten and am, in no way, shape, or form, hungry. Mustard is not a snack or a tactic for losing weight. Mustard serves as a delicious hack for perking myself up when I need a little boost.

Without fail, mustard is the perfect pick me up. It is tangy and salty and sour. My mouth puckers up and I feel more alive just thinking about it. If you’re not sold yet, here is a definitive list of why I think you should switch up your caffeine routine and give a mouthful of mustard a try.

  • Affordability
    Getting a daily coffee can really blow your budget. At around $3 a cup, the habit can easily run you $100 a month. One bottle of French’s yellow mustard is around $3. Depending on the size of your spoonful, a bottle can last you weeks to months.
  • Ease
    To enjoy my spoonful of daily mustard, I don’t have to heat anything up, place a delivery order, or stand in a line. The mustard lives in my fridge and is ready for consumption immediately.
  • Nutritional Value
    Healthline.com states that mustard contains: “iron, calcium, selenium, and phosphorus” as well as “antioxidants.” While a tablespoon of yellow mustard will probably not change the state of your health, it certainly isn’t worse for you than coffee.
  • A Change of Pace
    Looking to try something new or want to change up your regimen? Ditch coffee and dip into mustard!

I understand if you’re not ready to leave your morning brew behind and become a mustard convert completely. Habits are hard to break (plus, I know this idea is pretty freaky). I do, however, encourage you to try a tiny taste of midday mustard and see how you feel. It might just liven up your workweek.


About the Author

Jordan Myrick

Jordan is an L.A.-based writer and comedian who believes all food should come with extra sauce. When they're not writing for Sporked, Jordan is at the movies or sharing an order of french fries with their elderly chihuahua.