The winter holiday season is gone, but that doesn’t mean the holiday fun has to end. Easter is just around the corner, and with it comes an influx of seasonal candy. Are you craving something sweet or something sour? Something egg-shaped or something bunny-shaped? How about you quit stressing and let your zodiac sign pick for you. Here are the zodiac signs as Easter candy.
Aries: Cadbury Creme Egg
Cadbury Creme Eggs are the candy of Easter. They’re the most popular Easter candy in 24 states and the best-selling Easter candy on Instacart. So, it’s only natural that Aries are Cadbury Creme Eggs. Aries love to be number one and don’t crack under the pressure of competition, just like Cadbury Creme Eggs. Absolutely nothing can beat a Cadbury Creme Egg. The blast of gooeyness inside is bold and dramatic, just like my good ol’ friend Aries.
Taurus: Whoppers Robin Eggs
Tauruses are loyal and soothing, much like Whoppers Robin Eggs, which have a nostalgic, Easter-y flavor that sends you back in time. Each egg brings back a wave of childhood memories: Easter baskets, plastic grass, those first whiffs of spring flowers. Not to mention, Tauruses hate change, so while each egg looks different, there’s the promise that they’ll all taste exactly the same: sugary sweet!
Gemini: Fruity Pebbles Cereal ‘N Candy Eggs
Geminis are versatile and know exactly how to please people, just like Fruity Pebbles Cereal ‘N Candy Eggs. Candy, cereal, explosive fruity substitute…what can’t Fruity Pebbles do? Just like a Gemini, Fruity Pebbles Cereal ‘N Candy Eggs predicted exactly what you didn’t know you needed. So, you can thank them for that.
Cancer: Twix Easter Eggs
Cancers, Cancers, Cancers. Hello again. I’ll be nicer to you this time. But you do have a tendency to take on other people’s problems, so I’d call you a Twix Easter Egg. Attempting to beat Cadbury at its own game is a foolish idea, but I don’t blame you for making bad decisions. You have a layered personality, much like the crunchy, caramel layers of a Twix. But the primary reason you’re a Twix Easter Egg is because you will do anything to defend your choices, like creating marketing slogans that don’t really mean anything but get you the hype and validation you need. Left Twix, anyone?
Leo: Peeps Hot Tamales
You know exactly where I’m going with this. Leos, you’re dramatic, fiery, and have a tendency to demand attention wherever you are. So, to deprive you of the attention you desire, I’ll keep this brief: Spicy + Fierce = Hot Tamales Peeps.
Virgo: Jelly Belly “Carrot Bag” Tangerine Jelly Beans
Alright, close your eyes (actually don’t, please) and imagine this: You’re the head of a fancy shmancy candy company. You are the Candy Overlord. Easter’s coming up, and you’re too busy chilling in your champagne-filled jacuzzi and eating sushi wrapped in hundred dollar bills to plan something. So you’ve gotta think like a Virgo. Come on, think. Be logical and practical. Hmm. Why not…avoid making a new candy and just make new packaging? I like to think that’s exactly how Jelly Belly “Carrot Bag” Tangerine Jelly Beans came about. It also helps that Virgos are earth signs represented by the goddess of agriculture. When I think of dirt and vegetables, I think of carrots. (Okay, you can open your eyes now, Tauruses and Libras.)
Libra: Cadbury Mini Eggs
Hello again, my little aesthetics-obsessed friends. I dare you to find fault with Cadbury Mini Eggs. Egg-shaped candies are so aesthetically pleasing and—not to mention—thematically perfect for the Easter season (and for my little air sign buddies). I know you also love balance and harmony, so I present to you the list of milks they use to create beautiful, delicious, mouth harmonies: milk, milk fat, dried skim milk, and dried milk whey. That’s like four types of milk. And you don’t pull that kinda crap unless you really, really care about your product.
Scorpio: Peeps Milk Chocolate Covered Marshmallow
Cancers, I take back everything I said about you because the Scorpios are about to face a brutal reality. That is, that they are Peeps Milk Chocolate Covered Marshmallows. Excuse me, what’s wrong with that? you’re probably asking. A lot, honestly. Because if there’s one thing I know about Scorpios, it’s that they’re super mysterious and are pretty much professional con artists. And another thing I know is that these delicious, chocolate-drenched Peeps look a whole lot like turds. I’m sorry, it’s just a fact. But the fact that something so scary-looking can be so freaking delicious is a testament to your mastery of disguise, Scorpios.
Sagittarius: Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs
Despite peanut butter’s popularity, it’s not included in a lot of Easter candies. That’s probably because the peanut butter Easter candy market is dominated by Reese’s. Since peanut butter isn’t a common Easter candy component and Saggitariuses love adventure, I figured they deserved the most adventurous and delicious Easter candy out there: Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs.
Capricorn: Lindt Easter Milk Chocolate Gold Bunny
If there’s one thing Capricorns hate, it’s being disrespected. They’ve convinced themselves that they’re super cool and mature. So, it makes a lot of sense that they’d pick a fancy Easter candy. The gold foil wrapping of a Lindt Easter Milk Chocolate Gold Bunny screams, “Look at me, I’m mature and classy!” It’s the perfect little treat that shows everyone that you’re a mature adult while providing you with the taste of sweet, sweet childhood.
Aquarius: Tony’s Chocolonely Great Big Chocolate Eggs
Aquarians are bored by normalcy. They like to take things to the next level. Chocolate eggs simply aren’t enough, so they’d probably put them all in an egg carton. Huh. Would you look at that?! Someone already did it! Tony’s Chocolonely Great Big Chocolate Eggs are a dream for Aquarians. Not to mention, they’ve got the word “lonely” in their name, and loneliness is something I’m sure a lot of you Aquarians are struggling with. That’s okay, I’m here for you, buddy. So, go grab a carton of these eggs and surprise everyone. And did I mention—since you love being a good human so much—that their company has wonderful brand ethics?
Pisces: Big Chew Nerds Jelly Beans
Since Pisces are prone to daydreaming and fantasizing, I seriously cannot imagine someone other than a Pisces making Big Chew Nerds Jelly Beans. These beans are like something out of a dream. They’re not exactly jelly beans, nor are they Nerds. They’re somewhere in between. They have a sour and sweet flavor and they tend to get looked over, just like Pisces tend to be. And what I find most amusing is that they’re marketed as “Bumpy Jelly Beans,” which sounds so gross to me. Well, it fits. If there’s one thing I know about Pisces, it’s that they really have no idea how to market themselves.
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