Here we are again. I’m just a girl, standing in front of the internet, asking it to hear her out about what snacks should and shouldn’t be eaten naked. And while I tend to be of the opinion that most foods can be eaten naked without issue, here is our list of the best and most luxurious cozy foods that (probably) won’t injure you or get everywhere if you make an oopsie and spill them all over your bare bosom. (As always, eat with care. We won’t be held responsible for nudity-related injuries.)
- JIF Creamy Peanut Butter
Peanut butter is a great food to eat naked. It is too viscous to be spilled, and if it lands on you by accident, it just leaves you moisturized. As for the brand, go with JIF Creamy PB. Trust us, there is a reason choosy moms choose JIF, and while it may or may not have absolutely anything to do with the safety of consuming PB naked, it absolutely has everything to do with the incomparable taste. Sporked managing editor Gwynedd Stuart described JIF as having “plenty of nutty flavor upon first bite, but I love how it evolves as it settles on your tongue—sweetness rears its head, along with just the right amount of saltiness.” So go get naked and then eat some JIF…or whatever your plan was, I don’t know you like that.
- GoMacro Sunny Uplift (Cherries + Berries)
These vegan protein bars do what Nature Valley bars could never do: They stay in one piece while you eat them instead of exploding into a cloud of 50 bajillion tiny oat shards. You could even eat one of these while lying in bed naked and your bed would remain crumb-free. Plus, these taste fantastic. As Gwynedd pointed out, they completely lack that off-putting, chalky protein taste. She wrote that “this one is bursting with berry flavor. It’s full of chewy dried cherries that give it a nice tart flavor.” These are truly a win-win whether you are vegan, naked, neither of those things, or both.
- Annie’s Rich & Creamy Classic Cheddar
Self-contained and cozy, microwavable mac and cheese cups make you feel like you are wearing a sweater even if you are completely butt-ass naked. Sporked senior writer Jordan Myrick had absolutely nothing negative to say about Annie’s mac and cheese, noting that “this microwavable mac and cheese isn’t just good. It’s great. It tastes like you made it on the stovetop. It’s so creamy. The shells were perfectly al dente. This is a perfect 10.” Do yourself a favor and go buy this. Just make sure that you have clothes on while you are at the store. If you don’t, people tend to stare and/or arrest you (hypothetically).
- Christie Cookie Co. Oatmeal Raisin Gourmet Cookies
Opting for chewy cookies means opting for fewer crumbs. That’s a win. This way when your roommate is describing how you were lying there naked eating oatmeal cookies and they say you “ate and left no crumbs,” they can mean it in the literal and figurative sense. Go you! And also go Christie Cookie Co. Oatmeal Raisin cookies which Gwynedd described as “fresh, buttery, and rich” and noted how they don’t taste like preservatives like some other chewy store-bought cookies (*cough* Chips Ahoy Chewy *cough*). Anyway, normalize the naked oatmeal cookie. I dare you.
- Lamb Weston Grown in Idaho Hand Cut Style Fries
Fries are good whether you’re clothed or not, but there is something inherently luxurious about eating hot greasy food in the buff. Also, these fries are inherently luxurious fries. They are “golden and delicious, well-seasoned, crispy, and fatty,” which means they are just begging to be used as a cheeky little fully naked midnight snack.
- Baker’s Real Milk Chocolate Dipping Chocolate
My roommate has informed me that this stuff is incredibly hot to eat while naked. I trust her, but I assume it would depend on how long you microwaved it.