The Worst Foods to Eat Naked

We’ve all been there. Fresh out of the shower, lying on the bed on a lazy Sunday morning, but oh, what’s this? Suddenly you’re hungry? Now it’s time for a lazy Sunday morning meal (this is definitely the situation the editors had in mind when they asked me to write this article). But be careful what you choose because some foods are more hazardous than others when consumed without the protective layer clothing provides. So without further ado, or clothes, here are the six worst foods to eat naked.

Takis Fuego

I’m sure you can all imagine why these bad boys made the list. You know Takis. You need Takis. You know you need unique Takis. But you also know what you don’t need, and that is the aggressively acidic, notably spicy, violently red powder getting in places it shouldn’t. I’m told men need to be careful when cutting hot peppers because if they aren’t, that capsaicin could end up elsewhere and I assume this rule extends to Takis dust. Also, if you are snacking on these naked in bed you might also stain your sheets red, but let’s be real, we’ve all eaten Takis in bed at one point or another (albeit fully clothed) and it is doable.

Related: Let’s Talk About the Best Takis Flavors

Cocoa Puffs Instant Oatmeal

This made the list for several reasons. First and foremost, molten-hot instant oatmeal landing anywhere on you (including in your mouth) is just asking for some second-degree burns (I don’t know about you but I don’t think I’ve ever not burned my tongue on instant oatmeal). Plus, this oatmeal is sugary and sticky and would likely make the damage even worse. Secondly, if it gets on you or your sheets or anywhere really, it’s going to look a liiiiiitle bit like you didn’t make it to the bathroom in time and instead had “an adult oopsie.” Thirdly, when people ask you how you burned yourself, you have to say it was Cocoa Puffs-flavored instant oatmeal, which granted, is delicious (and tastes “a lot like someone stirred powdered brownie mix into a bowl of oatmeal”), but given this specific hypothetical situation we have created I think people might judge you a tad.

Related: Best Instant Oatmeal Flavors for a Wholesome (But Not Too Wholesome) Breakfast

Pacific Foods Organic Creamy Tomato Soup

Soup is an easy one here. Hot liquid is a hazard even when you have clothes on and soup is the hottest and liquidiest of foods. So, if you are choosing to eat piping hot soup while naked, then you, my friend, are livin’ life on the edge. This particular soup is really great though. Sporked editor-in-chief Justine Sterling pointed out that the “tomatoes are sweet, the onions and garlic are aromatic,” and the soup is creamy and decadent. You should buy this soup. But how much you are wearing when you consume it is fully and completely up to you.

Related: Best Canned Soup: The Top 7 Soups We’ve Ever Tasted

Nature’s Path Organic Envirokidz Peanut Butter Panda Puffs and Milk

If you have ever listened to the Mythical Kitchen podcast A Hot Dog Is a Sandwich, then you probably know that mythical chef Josh Scherer used to eat breakfast (a bowl of cereal) during his morning ~bathroom business~ until one time he dropped the entire bowl of cereal and milk in his lap and that was the end of that for him. Now, I know what you are thinking, “How would I know that if I have only listened to a couple episodes of the podcast?” Trust me, you would know; he brings it up as much as possible. Anyway, the point is, imagine a bowl of milk and cereal falling unceremoniously into your bare lap. Sounds not great right? On another note, this cereal is delicious. It is “peanut buttery with a nice honey finish,” but the main reason I have it on this list is this: imagine you spill a bunch of this stuff (Josh-style) onto your bare lap. Then you get to say “Nooooo!! Not my Panda Puffs!!!!” like some kind of cartoon villain, which I think is hilarious.

Related: All the Best Cereals We’ve Tasted

 2x Spicy Buldak Ramen

I mean, OUCH. Hoooooo man, this would be like Takis Fuego dust, but also temperature hot and with SO much more capsaicin. Also, it is liquid, so it sticks to you and can’t be brushed off. These noodles are good and spicy, but trust us, you don’t want any part of these accidentally landing anywhere but your mouth.

Related: Every Flavor of Buldak Noodles, Ranked

Nature Valley Bars (the classic crunchy kind)

I mean. The crumbs from these granola bars are so iconic that there is a whole wing of TikTok dedicated to reminiscing about how hard it is to eat these without spontaneously creating a sandbox wherever you stand. Now I don’t know you like that, but if you are naked, chances are you are in your apartment or house, in a bed, in the bathroom, in the shower, in a car—again, I don’t know you like that, you could be even more places. You do you, as they say. My point is, I think you’ll agree that none of those places sound like good places to spontaneously create a sandbox of oaty crumbs. So if you’re going to eat one of these bars, do it fully clothed and out in an open field like the rest of us.

Related: The Best Snacks to Keep in Your Car

About the Author

Jessica Block

Jessica Block is a freelance contributor to Sporked, a comedian, a baker, a food writer, and a firm believer that Trader Joe's may just be the happiest place on earth. She loves spicy snacks, Oreos, baking bread, teeny tiny avocados, and trying new foods whenever she can. Also, if you give her a bag of Takis she will be your best friend.

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