The 6 Best Hangover Breakfast Foods That Require Zero Effort

The breakfast you eat in the morning after a long night drinking can make or break your day. This is not the time for plain toast and water; you need something that is really going to sop up all that booze in your stomach and make you feel powerful. Here are some Sporked-approved hangover breakfast foods.

Pillsbury Bacon Toaster Scrambles

When I think of Pillsbury, I think of those sickly-sweet toaster strudels that are filled with hot lava jam. But then I learned about their Scrambles—a savory version of the strudel—and I said, “Gimme gimme gimme.” The bacon version just edges out the sausage one, but to be honest they are both good and very easy to make. You barely have to open your eyes to toss them in the toaster oven, which is a good thing.

Breakfast Best Pancakes & Sausage On-A-Stick

I never ate a corn dog in my life until Sporked writer Jordan Myrick made me try one. I think my mom found them borderline obscene so we never had them growing up. And while she is correct—the corn dog is a perverse monstrosity—you’ll just have to classify Jordan and I as little perverts because we both love them. And this breakfast corn dog is a really special thing. The cornbread is replaced with pancake, they are inexpensive, and they eschew the need for a fork and knife which are impossible to navigate when your head feels like an anvil.

Tina’s Breakfast Burrito, Handcrafted, Egg, Sausage & Cheddar Cheese

The modern philosopher Homer Simpson once posed an important question: Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it? I bet if he had a night full of cranking out Jäger bombs and jello shots, he wouldn’t know which way is up the following morning. But if he had this Tina’s breakfast burrito in his freezer, he would certainly give it the ol’ college try. Because it’s worth it. For frozen food, the ingredients in these burritos are top notch and, even if it is hotter than the sun, you can’t resist eating it immediately. Taste buds be damned.

Jimmy Dean Biscuit Sausage, Egg & Cheese

Jimmy Dean was a true Renaissance man: actor, country singer, sausage magnate. And his food brand has stood the test of time for an obvious reason: that man makes a damn fine sausage. These breakfast sandwiches are perfect for those mornings when the hangover is so bad, it would actually be a crime to get behind the wheel and drive to McDonald’s. It’s the closest thing you can get to the Golden Arches without being a menace on the road. Just stay at home.

Great Value Sausage & Gravy Breakfast Bowl

My paternal grandfather was an army cook during World War II. So growing up, we ate a lot of creamed chipped beef, which he affectionately called Sh*t on a Shingle; a common moniker for those who experienced it in the service. I love it, but if you really think about what it is, it doesn’t seem very appetizing. However, I can tell you this: Nothing sops up the booze in your stomach better. Unless, of course, you consider Southern-style sausage gravy. Similar to chipped beef but probably more palatable, a heaping pile of the stuff poured over biscuits, eggs, and other breakfast staples will either instantly make you feel better or instantly put you back to sleep. Both results are welcomed. The Great Value Sausage & Gravy bowl will do either.

Trader Joe’s Acai Bowl

Is fruit really going to fix a hangover? Probably not; you gotta have the right mixture of carbs and fat and salt to jumpstart your day and flush out those toxins. But the Trader Joe’s Acai Bowl is special enough to make an appearance on this list. It’s really incredible how well it is able to replicate an expensive acai bowl you might get from some high-end, fancy restaurant at a fraction of the price. And, if anything, it may replace your hangover with a brain freeze, so that’s kind of a cure, right?

About the Author

Luke Field

Luke Field is a writer and actor originally from Philadelphia. He was the former Head Writer of branded content at CollegeHumor and was also a contributing writer and actor to the CollegeHumor Originals cast. He has extensive improv and sketch stage experience, performing both at The Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and with their Touring Company. In addition to writing, he also works as a Story Producer, most recently on season 4 of Accident, Suicide, or Murder on Oxygen. Keep your eyes peeled for his brief but impactful appearance as Kevin, the screaming security guard, in the upcoming feature The Disruptors, directed by Adam Frucci.

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