I Made a Charcuterie Board from Gummy Candy

Here at Sporked, we often have a lot of leftover food from conducting our taste tests. Staff-writer Jordan Myrick does a great job of making sure that food gets donated to people who need it. But, sometimes, we like to get creative with the  less donatable items around the office. This is how my gummy candy charcuterie board was born.

I love a fancy charcuterie board, but the truth is you can make a charcuterie board out of anything, and it decidedly doesn’t have to be fancy. Charcuterie simply means “the products of a butcher,” but the word has morphed into a concept that’s fully open to interpretation. I would argue that any snack belongs on a charcuterie board. Crackers, pickles, cheese, meats, and spreads are common, but why not an adult display of chips or candy? Is a gummy charcuterie board that crazy? I mean, candy bowls are a thing. Grandma’s Big Jar™ is usually filled with hard candies. We’ve got Easter baskets and Halloween pumpkin buckets. Are vessels that much different than a fancy wooden rectangle piled high with gummy candy?

I argue no, which is why I took the leftover candies from our gummy candy and sour candy taste tests to make this: 

gummy charcuterie board
Credit: Sarah Demonteverde

What I tried to do here is keep the sour gummies on one side and the regular gummies on the other. Down the middle of the board is a straight line of Sour Punch Bites, with a little river of Sour Patch watermelons extending from one side into the other. I think charcuterie boards are better when they’re not completely symmetrical. It’s more pleasing to the eye and feels more natural. Working in odd numbers, like threes and fives, is charcuterie board 101. It makes the board feel more natural, more organic, and less like you meticulously architected the design.

On the right side I made a few piles of Haribo Goldbears, Lifesavers Gummies, Trader Joe’s Spring Gummies, Favorite Day Gummi Worms, Black Forest Gummy Worms, and a neat little pyramid of Skittles Gummies. If I could do it over, I would eliminate some of the white space around the Skittles Gummies. Alas, this is a learning experience.

On the left, you’ll find Kool-Aid Gummies, Super Sour Scandinavian Swimmers from Trader Joe’s, Mike and Ike Megamix Sours, Sour Starburst Minis, Trader Joe’s Tangy Turtles, and Airheads tremes sour rainbow berry candy. Sporked editorial assistant Naajia Shukri took the Airheads rainbow strips and wrapped them around some gummy worms to create a gummy bacon-wrapped weenie appetizer of sorts, which I thought was absolutely brilliant. It truly was delightful to eat from this miraculous vessel, picking away at more than a dozen different candies. 
This board just pops. It makes candy all the more appetizing and, moreover, it wows. Food should wow. I love the idea of taking candy and making it a spectacle, and I think it’s a great move to make something like this for a party. Have some people over for drinks, dinner, and a fancy, over-the-top candy spread meticulously organized on an expensive wooden board. The silliness (and yet total seriousness) of this thing will surely delight. This is guaranteed to amuse your friends and, more importantly, amuse yourself.

About the Author

Danny Palumbo

Danny is a comedian, cook, and food writer living in Los Angeles. He loves gas station eggs, canned sardines, and Easter candy. He also passionately believes that all the best chips come from Pennsylvania (Herr's!). If you can't understand Danny when he talks, it's because he's from Pittsburgh.

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