Everything Should Be Flavor Blasted

I said what I said: Everything should be flavor blasted. We should, as a society, be maximizing taste. Why would you want plain old pizza Goldfish when you could have flavor-blasted pizza Goldfish? There’s absolutely no reason to settle for mild anymore.

Everyone knows the best part of the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos is the dust that settles to the bottom. We squirt hot sauce all over our Red Baron pizza to give it additional oomph. Some of us even add extra chicken bouillon to instant ramen to give it maximum salty flavor. Have we lost our minds? Maybe. Are we living our best, most flavorful lives? Yes!

To be clear: Flavor blasting doesn’t just mean flavored dust. It’s anything that can be done to a product to blast it with flavor, whether it’s more filling, extra sauce, or a nice, evenly distributed coating. Whatever it takes to make the food taste as delicious as possible.

Speaking of making food as delicious as possible, here are some already delicious foods that I think would be improved by blasting them with even more flavor.

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Pop-Tarts are so close to being perfect. The concept is there, but the execution is flawed. They are a little dry and lacking in the flavor department. Now imagine if Pop-Tarts had twice as much delicious, moist filling. Imagine frosting covered the entire top so there would be no dry, unfrosted edges. How good would that be?! It would take normal, good Pop-Tarts to the next level.

String Cheese
Why aren’t these flavored?! Chicken parmesan-flavored mozzarella string cheese. Loaded queso-flavored string cheese. Burger-flavored American string cheese. Please contact me, Sargento. I have ideas!

Pudding Cups
I grew up on pudding cups and hold them dear to my heart. But when I had one for the first time as an adult, I was disappointed, to say the least. It was good, but nothing special. It wouldn’t take much to make them special, though! Amp up the chocolatiness of the pudding itself. Include a little bag of graham cracker crumbs or chocolate chips to sprinkle on top. Do a pudding cup-meets-gummy worm collab so we can have on-the-go cups of dirt.

Oreo O’s
Make *clap* Oreo *clap* creme *clap* into *clap* powder! Then, toss these O’s in the Oreo creme powder. You could also add creme chunks peppered throughout the O’s. If you promise me Oreo, give me Oreo!

Rice Cakes
Rice cakes are pretty much the only products in the chip aisle that haven’t offered us a flavor-blasted product. Why not?! Rice cakes would taste so much better if they were Cheeto-level covered in flavor dust.

A Twix is essentially perfect. We all know that. However, I don’t think adding even more caramel and a thicker layer of chocolate is a bad idea. Call it super Twix so people like me who love intense, unapologetic flavor can have an even Twix-ier Twix bar.

About the Author

Jordan Myrick

Jordan is an L.A.-based writer and comedian who believes all food should come with extra sauce. When they're not writing for Sporked, Jordan is at the movies or sharing an order of french fries with their elderly chihuahua.

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