What Should Heinz Do with a 35-Foot Ketchup Bottle? We Have Ideas

I’ve always wondered if companies who sponsor stadiums ever feel slighted when another company suddenly takes over the name and sponsorship of the stadium. For example, Heinz Field (home of the Pittsburgh Steelers) recently became Acrisure Stadium. Does Heinz have beef with Acrisure? I don’t know. (I also had to look up whether the Steelers were baseball, football, or hockey—turns out, football.) But what I do know is that the two giant 35-foot-tall, 8,000-pound ketchup bottles that once flanked the scoreboard had to come down.

As it turns out, one of the iconic bottles will stay at the stadium, where it will be featured “in a prominent location where visitors can get a coveted photo op,” according to a Heinz spokesperson. But Heinz will have to find a home for that second bus-sized ketchup bottle, and that can’t be an easy task. So I figured we here at Sporked could give Heinz some helpful suggestions of what to do with this massive homage to Heinz Ketchup.

Replace the Statue of Liberty

Lady Liberty is French, fries are French, and fries go great with ketchup, so I say Liberty Island needs a Heinz bottle. No one will notice it is a tenth of the height, right?

Display it at the White House

They could put a bottle next to the entrance to the White House, like a pillar. This is the only interpretation of “painting the town red” that I will condone. Also, what could be more American?

Plop it next to this giant hot dog sculpture in Michigan
Add it to Mount Rushmore

Casually place it in front of Mount Rushmore along with some giant fake fries and it will look like the former presidents just went through a McDonald’s drive-thru together.

Put it on top of the Empire State Building

Just drill a hole through the ketchup bottle and thread it onto the pointy part at the top. Easy peasy.

Hollow it out and make a Heinzmobile

It’s already the size of a bus, and now it could travel around with the Wienermobile, pissing off all the people who take their hot dogs with “mustard only.” It would also be funny if the bus was a little slow and was constantly trying to ketchup to the Wienermobile (hehe).

Make it into an amusement park ride

Make the 35-foot bottle into one of those swinging boat amusement rides at a new ketchup-themed amusement park called “Ketchup Up and Away.” It would also make a great log flume.

Heck, put it in my apartment

I don’t have a lot of furniture and could really use a giant ketchup bottles to complete the aesthetic of my tiny studio apartment and make it pop (hopefully not literally, as I would eventually like my deposit back). I’m always down to do my buddy Heinz a solid.

About the Author

Jessica Block

Jessica Block is a freelance contributor to Sporked, a comedian, a baker, a food writer, and a firm believer that Trader Joe's may just be the happiest place on earth. She loves spicy snacks, Oreos, baking bread, teeny tiny avocados, and trying new foods whenever she can. Also, if you give her a bag of Takis she will be your best friend.

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