Heinz, You Should Have Stopped At Perfection

I need everyone to admit what we know to be true. Heinz has perfected ketchup. That’s right, neighborhood restaurant that makes their own house ketchup, I’m talking to you. I’m also apparently talking to Heinz directly because they’ve decided to go and f*ck around with their perfect system.

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It Took A Little Trial And Error

I’ll give Heinz some grace because they could have ended things right when they perfected the recipe for their industry-leading ketchup and called it a day. Thank god they didn’t because what vessel was that ketchup being slung out of back in the day? A glass bottle. The bane of my existence as a diner lover.

No one loves the unbreakable vacuum seal that a glass bottle creates. I don’t care what neat little trick you have to get the ketchup out. It’s a stupid system and I’m glad Heinz literally created the first stable plastic food container on the market for their ketchup to live in.

Enter: The Heinz Love Lid

Heinz couldn’t just sit at the top of the throne. They’ve gotten bored in their industry domination so they think they need to switch things up. Heinz has (unfortunately) reimagined their ketchup bottles and are debuting their creation that they call the Heinz Love Lid. The first customizable ketchup lid designed to help let fans choose their perfect squeeze.

The Heinz Love Lid works by using three adjustable settings for how much Heinz ketchup you want to be dispensed at a time: Like It, Love It, Gotta Have It. Wait no, sorry, those are the sizes that Cold Stone Creamery’s ice cream comes in. Heinz’s Love Lid actually works with Like, Love, and Crazy Love. Honestly, Cold Stone had better names.

I Wish I Could Stop Them

Regardless, it’s a stupid system. Heinz. Please. Stop this madness. The whole point of ketchup is that I don’t know how much I want until the time comes. This isn’t a measurable science. Every time I open the ketchup bottle I lead with my heart when I add a streak of that red gold to my plate. If anything, I overdose on the good stuff―which should be what you want. The more I use up, the faster I have to buy the next bottle.

Heinz credits this “innovation” to the 1,500+ online conversations debating the “correct” amount of ketchup over the past year alone. What they failed to account for was my opinion (the right one) so I hope it’s not too late to abandon ship. It seems like the train has already left the station, though.

If for some ungodly reason you want to pick up a Heinz Love Lid, they will be available for a limited time as part of an exclusive grilling season bundle at TheLoveLid.com in the United States and through HeinzAtHome.co.uk in the United Kingdom. Each bundle includes a bottle of Heinz Tomato Ketchup, one Love Lid, and a guide with Heinz’s suggested squeeze based on your summer eats. In case you needed an instruction manual for your ketchup.