Here’s What Stocking Stuffer You Are Based on Your Zodiac Sign

Let’s face it, sometimes stocking stuffers are a last-minute affair. You got all the big gifts you needed on Black Friday and then you checked holiday gifting off the list for this year, only to realize the week before Christmas that, in fact, you are not done and there are still some very empty giant stockings on the hearth that need stuffin’. If this is sounding at all familiar to you, don’t even trip fam, with this list you can choose a grocery store stocking stuffer for your friends and family based on their zodiac signs (or, you know, peruse it to see which Christmas treat happens to share your particular energy).

Aries (March 21-April 19): Trader Joe’s English Toffee

stocking stuffer zodiac aries

Say what you will about Trader Joe’s, these English toffee bites are a universal crowd-pleaser, which is very Aries of them. Trader Joe’s toffee bites have to be Aries because Aries are natural leaders and if my mom asked me, “If toffee bites jumped off a cliff would you do it too?” my answer would be, “Absolutely, yes.” The same goes for Aries.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Lindt Lindor Truffles

stocking stuffer zodiac taurus

Tauruses are a calming presence and there are few things more calming than biting into a silky smooth, creamy Lindor truffle in the wintertime. Plus, Tauruses supposedly really like delicious flavors and comforting aromas, and if that doesn’t describe the experience of biting into a Lindt truffle, I don’t know what does.

Read our ranking of the best Christmas candy

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Ghirardelli Peppermint Bark Squares

stocking stuffer zodiac gemini

I know this one’s a bit heavy-handed but the chaos (and fun part) of Geminis stems from the fact that they tend to have two distinct personalities that combine to make the beautiful, complex person that they are. Similarly, Ghirardelli peppermint bark has that dark chocolate side on the bottom and the sweet white chocolate peppermint side on the top, and the combination of the two pretty much hits the Gemini nail on the head.

Read the full ranking of the best peppermint bark

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Terry’s Chocolate Orange

stocking stuffer zodiac cancer

I mean, this one screams Cancer. You literally have to crack into it to eat it. And Cancers are the kind of people who may give you one impression of them, but when you talk to them a little longer and dig in a little deeper, you learn so much about them that you would have never known had you not engaged with them further. Cancers are the sleeper interesting people and I will die on that hill. Terry’s Oranges are just a Chocolate ball until you smash em’, Cancers are just people until you realize they are all icons.  

Leo (July 23-August 22): Peppermint Candy Canes

stocking stuffer zodiac leo

Candy Canes are, in fact, the stars of the holiday season. They are icons, they are legends, and from the day after Thanksgiving through December 25 every single year, they are the moment. How very Leo of them.

Read the full ranking of the best candy canes

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Hot Chocolate Bombs

stocking stuffer zodiac virgo

Virgos are busy, busy people. It is not a stretch to say that the world would probably fall to chaos and ruin without them. That being said, they don’t have time in their day, nor room in their cabinets, to store a giant box of Swiss Miss and a bag of mini marshmallows. That’s why Virgos have to be hot chocolate bombs. They are easy, convenient, and delicious, and all you need to make one into a lovely, warm cup of hot chocolate is some hot milk and a dream.

Read the full ranking of the best hot chocolate bombs

Libra (September 23-October 22): Toblerone

stocking stuffer zodiac libra

Toblerones have to be one of the tastiest, most well-balanced, and texturally interesting candy bars out there. And Libras? Libras love a good, balanced…anything, really. Toblerones are both excellent and unique, just like Libras.

Read the full ranking of the best candy bars with nuts

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Rolled Wafer Cookies

stocking stuffer zodiac scorpio

You know those cookie/chocolate straw things? That’s these. No one really know what they are or how they came to be or why they are so popular around this time of year but hey they are delicious and a treat is a treat. That being said, there is an air of mystery to these, which makes them fitting for Scorpio, the most mysterious of the signs.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Chocolate Coins

stocking stuffer zodiac sagittarius

Okay, so take a walk with me for this one: I believe that Sagittarians have to be chocolate coins because they are the most curious and knowledge-seeking of the signs, and college costs a lot of money, and we all wish we could have paid in chocolate coins instead of loans and side jobs. Also, who knew these were a Christmas thing (I always knew them as a Hanukkah thing)? I bet a Sagittarius would know these things.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): See’s Candies Lollypops

stocking stuffer zodiac capricorn

The hallmark of a Capricorn is their patience, and boy do these giant-ass lollipops take forever to eat. They are delicious, mind you, but they are an hour-long commitment, and there are very few instances as an adult when you can afford to have a lollipop sticking out of your mouth for 60 whole minutes. That being said, in the comfort of one’s own home (or wherever lollipops are consumed), Capricorns are the only ones with the patience to do so with these particular pops.

(Side note: The Little Pops version of these is so good, stickless, and not as gigantic, and my grandma has been singing their praises for years. Also, she’s a Capricorn. So if you want a Capricorn-approved sweet treat, try the chocolate little pops. They’re my grandma’s favorite and she’s never wrong about these things.)

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Novelty Flavored Candy Canes

stocking stuffer zodiac aquarius

Bacon, Funfetti, Froot Loops, dill pickle, mac and cheese, Hot Tamales, ketchup, Oreo, ham. What do these things all have in common? They are real actual candy cane flavors that you can really actually buy. As for whether you should, that’s up to you. But the sheer individuality and creativity of it all strikes me as very Aquarian—super outside the box and creative.

Read the full ranking of the best candy canes

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Chocolate Covered Peppermint Joe Joe’s

stocking stuffer zodiac pisces

These Dark Chocolate Covered Peppermint Joe-Joe’s are extremely sweet, just like Pisces, the sweetest and most whimsical of the signs. Plus, if you have been a Trader Joe’s shopper for any length of time, then Peppermint Joe-Joe’s probably hold some level of nostalgia for you, and a Pisces person loves a good lil hit of nostalgia on a random December Tuesday. So make your Pisces friends happy and get them some of these extra chocolatey Joe-Joe’s.

About the Author

Jessica Block

Jessica Block is a freelance contributor to Sporked, a comedian, a baker, a food writer, and a firm believer that Trader Joe's may just be the happiest place on earth. She loves spicy snacks, Oreos, baking bread, teeny tiny avocados, and trying new foods whenever she can. Also, if you give her a bag of Takis she will be your best friend.

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