Cereal Mascots, Ranked by How Confused They Make Me Feel, Sexually

Which cereal mascot leaves you feeling hot and bothered after a trip down the breakfast aisle? Find out if it aligns with my completely normal opinion.

When you’re walking the cereal aisle, looking for that perfect pick that will start your morning right, what are you drawn to? The percentile of oats and whole grains within a mix? The heart-healthy promises? The bible verse? (Shout out Ezekiel 4:9 loyalists!) Stop kidding yourself. Even if you buy a responsible, low-sugar cereal like the real adult you are now, you’re still inexplicably attracted to the beaming cartoon creatures. Admit it. And it’s not just because of childhood nostalgia. There’s something…well, let’s just say there’s something reminiscent of Robin Hood (the fox) within a few of these characters, if you catch my drift. So here’s the ranking that no one asked for but everyone’s thought about—a breakdown of cereal mascots’ animal magnetism. 

But first! Let’s get one thing out of the way before I dive into this very important ranking: There are NO mainstream female cereal mascots. So, I’m not being gender biased—the cereal industry is. Now that we’ve acknowledged that glaring issue in the cereal aisle, we can get to the good stuff and start objectifying some cartoons.

Buzz the Bee
Credit: Ryan Martin / General Mills

I’ll be honest: I feel nothing for Buzz. Not a tingle, not a flutter. Nothing. Let’s keep moving.

Toucan Sam
Credit: Ryan Martin / Kellogg

That accent, am I right? No, really, am I? It’s confusing. He’s a bird. But that accent…

Lucky aka Sir Charms aka L.C. Leprechaun
Credit: Ryan Martin / General Mills

He’s a spunky, red-headed Irishman in a top hat and a scarf. Speaking as a former New York hipster, he’s hard to resist. Plus, he’s apparently a knight.

Trix Rabbit
Credit: Ryan Martin / General Mills

Much like Jessica Rabbit, another woman who fell for a rabbit, I like a partner who can make me laugh. He’s a classic schlemiel. Hard to resist.

Cap’n Crunch
Credit: Ryan Martin / The Quaker Oats Company

Is the Cap’n a zaddy? He’s certainly fashionable. I mean, epaulets? The silver fox is serving a serious lewk. And he definitely has the confidence. Now, his eyebrows are on his hat, which leads me to wonder if it’s actually a hat or just part of his head. And that’s where the attraction starts to fade.

Snap, Crackle, and Pop
Credit: Ryan Martin / General Mills

There’s something about this trio that says pop punk band to me—and 16-year-old Justine could never turn down a side sweep on a gentleman. Come to think of it, current-aged-Justine sees nothing wrong with it either. Quick disclaimer: You may say, “Hey, those elves look pretty young to me.” But to that I say, they’re elves! Elves look young forever. They might be 300 years old for all we know. So, back off, commenters. 

Tony the Tiger
Credit: Ryan Martin / Kellogg

He’s gotta be number one. The bandana alone puts him over the edge. And he clearly lifts. This is not controversial. We all knew it would end this way.


About the Author

Justine Sterling

Justine Sterling is the editor-in-chief of Sporked. She has been writing about food and beverages for well over a decade and is an avid at-home cook and snacker. Don’t worry, she’s not a food snob. Sure, she loves a fresh-shucked oyster. But she also will leap at whatever new product Reese’s releases and loves a Tostitos Hint of Lime, even if there is no actual lime in the ingredients.

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  • “Toucan Sam deserved better.” – my roommate, actually interacting with this article other than humorously

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    • I’m open to hearing a counter argument!

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      • I mean, I’m just saying.. I’d tell him to hold his breath as I plunge his nose into my innards >^<

  • Congratulations

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  • Wait… Trix Rabbit is hard to resist because he’s a fool? Lol why? (And, yes, schlemiel means fool.)

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    • I guess I just can’t resist a charming fool!

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  • I just wanted to say… Tony’s position is deserved! That bod is GRRREEAAAT…😂

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    • What is Tony’s position?!? Oh, you mean placement. Carry on.

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  • Where’s Count Chocula? 💔

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  • In a deathmatch of all of these mascots who is winning? tony is not participating because then he would win otherwise.

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  • Cookie Crisp has had in interesting array of mascots but I think Chip the Dog (er Wolf?) would fit up here. He’s a little spoof off of Wile E. Coyote.

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  • I gotta go with Frankenberry. He’s something else.

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  • Boo Berry all the way

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  • Good list but.. I give you booberry that’s right half closed eyes soft spoken and you can just see him in a wake and bake ,. Muffins I’m talking muffins . I think lol

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  • okay hear me out.. the honey combs guy from the 90s

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  • What about Sugar Bear? Super mellow, probably high, cuddly and soft. Oh wait is that me?

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  • Growing up I had a Tony the Tiger plushie who’s head revolved all the way around… needless to say his jutting out and firm tail helped turn me into the gay man I am today.

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  • you’re sleeping on dig ‘em the frog

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  • Now hear me out….

    The Honeycomb Crave is not attractive, but you KNOW you’re not leaving that encounter without having the time of your life.

    Tony is suave, but you’ll be thinking about the Crave every time you’re with Tony.

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  • Why is this so accurate?

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  • you know the list is wrong with somehow snap, crackle and pop are in second place? ugh hard pass — they look like children! yuck!

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  • Do they have no respect for the Count? My people, my kinfolk. Have we forgotten about Count Chocula? Do you not enjoy a Translyvanian zaddy? That accent. That brooding boi that wants you to throw away your life and each chocolate for breakfast? Plus, I heard he’s cousins with Count Von Count so you know he comes from $$$

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