The Hottest Human Food Mascots

I think it is so important for food mascots to be hot. I’m 100% more likely to buy your product if I want to kiss the character on the package. I don’t care if they’re real or fictional. I only care if they look good.

After analyzing all the top human food mascots in America, there were six that I would want to go on a date with in real life. These hotties are listed below. And if non-human food mascots are more your vibe, here’s a list of those.

Hottie Alert!

Chef Boyardee

Let’s be real: Chef Boyardee is a daddy. That thick mustache and cute smile are a winning combination. Plus he has the ability to make homemade pasta. I would definitely let this man take me to Italy (or at least make me a bowl of bolognese). And when I say man, I mean actual man. Chef Boyardee was a real-life man!

Credit: Liv Averett / Chef Boyardee

Rating:

7/10

Sporks

Hottie Alert!

Gorton’s Fisherman

I don’t consider frozen fish to be a sexy food, but the Gorton’s Fisherman makes me rethink that. This boat captain could captain my boat any day. His big gray beard and piercing blue eyes steam up the sea. Plus, we really liked his products in our best frozen fish taste test and that makes him even more handsome to us. Kiss us, Gorton’s Fisherman!

Credit: Liv Averett / Gorton’s

Rating:

8.5/10

Sporks

Hottie Alert!

Stubb of Stubb’s BBQ Sauce

Christopher B. Stubblefield is not only a handsome man, he’s a real man! The face that graces the bottles of this delicious BBQ sauce (number three in our best BBQ sauce ranking) is the real human person who started Stubb’s BBQ. Stubb opened his original restaurant in Lubbock, Texas in 1968 and that’s how Stubb’s BBQ was born. His sauce became so sought-after that it is now bottled and sold nationwide. He’s handsome, he’s a business owner, and he knows how to cook. What more could you want from an attractive food mascot?

Credit: Liv Averett / Stubb’s

Rating:

8.5/10

Sporks

Hottie Alert!

Miller High Life’s The Girl in the Moon

She’s not on the packaging anymore, but I can’t get Miller High Life’s Girl in the Moon out of my mind. She’s so cute and mysterious. Why is she on the moon? I have no clue. Why is she dressed like it’s Halloween? That is unclear. I don’t care, though! I love her witchy vibe. She’s drinking in outer space and that sounds pretty fun and adventurous to me. I’m scared of outer space, but I’d go there for her.

Credit: Liv Averett / Miller High Life

Rating:

9/10

Sporks

Hottie Alert!

Paul Newman of Newman’s Own

Paul Newman is hot. I’m not telling you anything you didn’t already know. What I do want to remind you, however, is that the drawing of Paul Newman on the Newman’s Own products is also very hot. Look at that beautifully chiseled chin!

Credit: Liv Averett / Newman’s Own

Rating:

9.5/10

Sporks

Hottie Alert!

St. Pauli Girl Beer Maiden

The St. Pauli Girl beer maiden looks like she plays as hard as she works. Looking at her image, I’ve always assumed she owns a biergarten and has a real passion for what she does. And what’s more attractive than passion? I also assume she is bilingual, speaking both German and English. Speaking more than one language is objectively hot! Have I created an elaborate backstory around this fictional character? Yes! But that’s okay. Even if you don’t want to buy into the lore I created, you will still find her hot. She has a hot face!

Credit: Liv Averett / St. Pauli Girl Beer

Rating:

10/10

Sporks


About the Author

Jordan Myrick

Jordan is an L.A.-based writer and comedian who believes all food should come with extra sauce. When they're not writing for Sporked, Jordan is at the movies or sharing an order of french fries with their elderly chihuahua.

Thoughts? Questions? Complete disagreement? Leave a comment!

Your thoughts.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  • Forever Paul Neumann 🥰🥰🥰🥰

    Reply