We’ve got five new Hidden Valley Ranch flavors joining the Hidden Valley Cinematic Universe (HVCU). Everyone say hello to your new lineup of heroes: Hidden Valley Cilantro Lime Ranch, Hidden Valley Blue Cheese Ranch, Hidden Valley Kickin’ Cajun Blackened Ranch, Hidden Valley Sweet BBQ Ranch, and Hidden Valley Cracked Pepper Ranch. But don’t get too comfortable—not all of these new Hidden Valley Ranch flavors are going to swoop in and pull you out of a burning building. Some are straight up HVCU villains in disguise. I know, because I tried them all (straight off a spoon, and dipped in my go-to condiment vessel of choice: chicken nuggets.) Let’s get into it.
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Pros: I wanna start off on a somewhat positive note and review Sweet BBQ, which definitely lands in the middle of the pack for these new Hidden Valley ranch flavors. It’s totally inoffensive, with a slight sweetness and pleasant BBQ sauce tang that brightens the ranch. You’re basically skipping the part where you baste your wings with a BBQ marinade before dipping them in ranch—but with the same flavor outcome. Which is nice for lazy people like me.
Cons: The flavor is slow. That’s one of my complaints with classic Hidden Valley ranch—because the texture falls into such a boring midpoint between thin and thick, you really need a quick flavor punch to make up for it. Which you don’t get. You basically taste a glob of dairy in your mouth, which slowly morphs into a savory-sweet condiment. I wish it was punchier, but hey, at least this didn’t give me an existential crisis. The same cannot be said for what’s to come.
Pros: This really shouldn’t exist. So it’s kind of amazing that it does. And that’s all the praise I can give it.
Cons: Hey, Hidden Valley: What were ya’ thinking, bud? I guess in theory, I could see why cilantro, lime, and ranch might taste good drizzled over tacos or a taco salad. The reality is a stark wake-up call to anyone (me) who thinks ranch tastes good with literally everything (me, I am that person, and I have been called out right here, right now). Every flavor is vehemently and diametrically opposed to one another in this sauce. I’m not sure who this is for, why someone would use it, and how it got past a team of purported “ranch experts.” I’m not here to yuck your yum, though, okay? Cilantro freaks might enjoy this, although we all thought it tasted distinctly like mint. And for that thought alone, I’ll give it one Spork.
Pros: This is a perfectly acceptable cheap blue cheese salad dressing from the grocery store. (That’s me being nice—the flavor is fine, but the lack of blue cheese crumbles in the bottle puts it on the lowest tier of store-bought blue cheese by default.) But it barely tastes like ranch.
Cons: Take your favorite ranch. Take your favorite blue cheese dressing. Mix ‘em up. That’s going to be ten times better than what you’ve got here, which is weirdly flavorless and texturally meh. (It’s that smooth, creamy-but-still-goopy texture of all Hidden Valley ranches.)
Pros: This cajun-inspired ranch has a strong spicy kick to it that really lingers, which can be harder to accomplish in a sauce composed mostly of dairy. For once, the flavor isn’t slow—it actually comes out swinging. It’s actually kind of alarming, but in the best way. I feel like I’m back in Florida at a cheap fish shack, eating greasy cajun fries out of a basket. Any fried shrimp and cajun fry fans should keep this as a fridge staple. You won’t be disappointed.
Cons: I think I’ve wasted all of my negative energy on the other new Hidden Valley ranch flavors that disappointed me. It’s not winning any creativity awards, and it didn’t wow us like our favorite of the bunch, but the nice spice blend and bold heat is pretty hard to fault.
Pros: The Hidden Valley reps reading this article (I know you’re there; I can see you, glaring at me through the screen) are probably mad at me right now. Bestie, I get it. But do you know how much you lucked out with me at the helm of this review? My all-time favorite kind of pasta is cacio e pepe—heavy on the pepe. And that’s what you’ve brought me here today: the ranch of my dreams. This bottle is 98% black pepper, and it’s absolutely f*cking incredible. I love it so much, I’ve erected a little shrine to it in my fridge. Some may be wondering, “What the hell do you use a peppery ranch for?” I don’t know, and I don’t care. Figure something out. I certainly will.
Cons: There are no cons. You heard that right, Hidden Valley. None. Zero. It’s perfect. Excellent work.
Credit: Liv Averett / Walmart
Rating:
10/10
Sporks
Which new Hidden Valley Ranch are you most excited to try?
Ariana Losch is a Sporked contributor, webcomic writer, java junkie, and bad TV enthusiast. She only ever feels at peace laying out on a beach like a kebab, roasting in the sun; sadly, she can never move back to Florida, her home state, because there simply isn’t enough good Mediterranean food. You can find her overstaying her welcome at just about every LA coffee shop, working on a screenplay and avoiding all eye contact. (She is embarrassed to be there, please leave her alone.)
Thoughts? Questions? Complete disagreement? Leave a comment!
Thoughts? Questions? Complete disagreement? Leave a comment!