A couple of weeks ago, an eagle-eyed shopper in the Midwest spotted an oddity in the salad dressing aisle: Hidden Valley Cheez-It Cheezy Ranch. When a photo of the bottle started making the rounds on social media, we were certain it was Photoshopped. But no. Cheez-It Ranch is real and hitting stores now. Not only that, it’s being joined by six other new Hidden Valley Ranch flavors that are rolling out this spring: Hidden Valley Creamy Jalapeño Ranch, Hidden Valley Spicy Hot Honey Ranch, Hidden Valley Sizzlin’ Nashville Hot Ranch, Hidden Valley Garlic Ranch, Hidden Valley Green Goddess Ranch, and Hidden Valley Parmesan Ranch. I know things seem really dark right now, but, hey, at least we have weird ranch dressings to try. Hope that helps! We broke out some spoons and tried every single one of the new Hidden Valley Ranch flavors, which should be debuting in stores this month. Here they are ranked from worst (which still isn’t bad) to best.
- Hidden Valley Sizzlin’ Nashville Hot Ranch
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Nashville hot chicken is very popular (there are, like, 500 Dave’s Hot Chicken locations in L.A. at this point), and I assume a lot of people enjoy eating their hot chicken dunked in ranch dressing. This new Hidden Valley Ranch flavor—which is one of three spicy offerings—kind of seems like a no-brainer, right?
Pros: It’s a creamy sauce—big pro—that would probably taste good on a chicken sandwich. Also, this is meant to be the spiciest of the three new spicy ranches (Creamy Jalapeño Ranch and Spicy Hot Honey Ranch are the others), and it definitely has a good kick of heat. It made my nose run a little bit. But it has its shortcomings.
Cons: Sizzlin’ Nashville Hot Ranch doesn’t really taste that much like ranch. It tastes almost exclusively like chili powder. I wish it had more nuance—and actually tasted like ranch.Credit: Liv Averett / Hidden Valley
- Hidden Valley Green Goddess Ranch
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What should green goddess dressing taste like? As we discovered in our green goddess dressing taste test, brands have yet to arrive at a consensus, but it should definitely involve herbs. Hidden Valley really, really took that to heart.
Pros: Hidden Valley Green Goddess Ranch is extremely herbaceous. The basil flavor is ferocious. I described it as “a big ol’ slap of basil to the dome.” My colleague Justine Sterling liked it and thought it tasted like pesto and ranch mixed together, which is definitely an interesting concept.
Cons: For my tastes, the basil flavor is just way, way too intense. And I like basil! But basil appreciation is one thing; basil abuse is another.
Credit: Liv Averett / Hidden Valley
- Hidden Valley Parmesan Ranch
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If you like caesar salad dressing, you’re going to like this new Hidden Valley Ranch. This one gets a middling review because, well, caesar salad dressing already exists. They aren’t exactly reinventing the wheel here.
Pros: This ranch dressing is absolutely packed with parmesan cheese. Good parmesan cheese? Honestly, it tastes more like the powdery kind that comes out of a shaker, but we loved that the grated cheese actually adds some texture to the dressing. Truly, there’s that much cheese in here.
Cons: Like I said, caesar dressing already exists and there are lots of good ones with a little more depth of flavor, probably from anchovy paste. Justine also commented that it has “that kind of vomit-y thing” going on.
Credit: Liv Averett / Hidden Valley
- Hidden Valley Cheez-It Cheezy Ranch
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It brings me zero joy to report that Hidden Valley Cheez-It Cheezy Ranch is a little bit of a letdown. It’s still good, but the cheesy flavor is pretty subdued. But here’s why it still gets a high score…
Pros: Let’s be real: Regular Cheez-Its aren’t the cheesiest crackers in the world. They are toasty and have a really unique and wonderful flavor, and I picked up on a bit of it in this new ranch dressing. All in all, I think it’s pretty faithful to its inspiration.
Cons: Unfortunately, I think people who want a seriously cheesy (sorry, “cheezy”) ranch will be underwhelmed. My colleague Ariana Losch said Cheez-It Cheezy Ranch was her least favorite of all the new flavors. You’re better off mixing some ranch with some nacho cheese—report back and let me know if it’s good.
Credit: Liv Averett / Hidden Valley
- Hidden Valley Creamy Jalapeño Ranch
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This is the least spicy of the new spicy Hidden Valley Ranch flavors, but it still has a nice little kick—nothing that will ruin your life the next day. This is a very good condiment I suspect a lot of people can get behind.
Pros: It tastes like Hidden Valley ranch with a little bit of a vegetal finish and some pleasant heat.
Cons: Do I wish it tasted more like jalapeño? Yes, I do. But I think its tame flavor profile actually makes it more useful. If you’ve been dreaming of a spicy ranch that doesn’t taste like hot sauce or chili powder, this is good stuff.
Credit: Liv Averett / Hidden Valley
- Hidden Valley Spicy Hot Honey Ranch
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Of all the new Hidden Valley ranch flavors, this one sounded the most grotesque to me. Does honey really go with ranch? I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. But I’ll be damned if they didn’t pull it off.
Pros: When I first took a slurp of this dressing, I was like, wow, this would taste really good with pizza. Then I took another slurp and was like, wait…this does taste like pizza. It’s very confusing, but this Hot Honey Ranch tastes like cooked pizza crust. Or the way a very hot pizza oven smells. Believe me, I recognize that nothing I just said sounds appealing, but for some reason this stuff is so good! It’s a little sweet, but not super honey forward. And the spice is there. I need you to just trust me—it’s good. And, yes, it would still be very good drizzled on pizza.
Cons: I mean, it’s just really weird. We all loved it and all agreed it weirdly tasted like pizza, but this has to be too out there for some people.
Credit: Liv Averett / Hidden Valley
- Hidden Valley Garlic Ranch
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Not to be confused with Hidden Valley Roasted Garlic Ranch, Hidden Valley Garlic Ranch is a new release—and it’s also a rush-out-and-buy product (if you can find it).
Pros: It’s not every day we give a new product a perfect 10, but we all really freaked out for this stuff. It tastes exactly like ranch mixed with the greasy garlic sauce you get in a little cup at Domino’s. So, if you already dip pizza in both, you’re golden. But this is also a very “Mayoracha” situation. Like, ostensibly, there was no reason for Heinz to bottle a mayo-sriracha sauce combo because people can just do that themselves. But it’s so much better when the ratios are just right. And that’s what the new Hidden Valley Ranch totally nails.
Cons: Okay, I didn’t want to just say “no notes” and move on with my life, so I will say maybe this ranch lacks utility. It definitely seems like it’s designed to be eaten with pizza; it might be a little bold for your nice little afternoon salad. Still, you should give it a shot.
Credit: Liv Averett / Hidden Valley
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