After Much Uproar, the Snickers ‘Vein’ Remains

Twitter is full of surprises. It’s also full of unfounded theories about weird, mundane things that people get strangely worked up about. This week’s Twargument: A photo of an entirely smooth Snickers surfaced, and people were all riled up about the absence of a certain signature squiggle of chocolate atop the bar. It turns out that this certain squiggle is widely understood to resemble certain veins on a certain appendage. (Okay, it’s a penis.) And when the photo started circulating on Twitter, some users ran with the theory that Snickers had gone “woke” by de-veining its bars. Suddenly, “Snickers dick vein” became a trending topic.

So, is it true? And if so, why would Snickers choose this PC hill to die on? Thanks to a “tongue-in-cheek” article that started making the rounds, people speculated (some jokingly, some not) that Snickers-maker Mars was desexualizing the candy bar just like they did the Green M&M’s character earlier this year. Others speculated (mostly jokingly) that perhaps some very concerned consumers found the “veiny” top of the Snickers bars to be “suggestive and offensive” and pushed for a change.

And here’s the kicker(s): After all that hullabaloo, fuss, outcry, uproar, and ruction (a word I learned today), it turns out the picture was a fluke. Not a fluke like, “Hey, this photoshopped image accidentally went viral,” but a fluke like, “That one Snickers probably melted and then hardened again and it’s still the exception, not the norm.” How do we know the bar in the photo doesn’t represent the bold new look of Snickers? Two ways: One, you could buy a Snickers right now, look at it, and note that it’s still as ~textured~ as ever, and two, on Tuesday, Snickers entered the Twitter fray to assure its fanbase that “contrary to what’s trending on Twitter… THE VEINS REMAIN!”

Does the internet ever just make you tired?

Don’t fret, friends, some good did come out of this ballyhoo (another synonym for hullaballoo I learned today): Snickers’ Twitter account made me laugh. Like a real, actual, involuntary laugh. And because I don’t want to spoil the joke, I’ll just leave it right here: