Which Spooky Soda Are You Based on Your Zodiac Sign?

It’s that time of year again. Trader Joe’s is whipping out the cinnamon brooms, Safeway has a pile of pumpkins outside, and your mom’s friend Linda has moved the little surfer dude statue off her front porch and replaced him with a different surfer dude statue that also doubles as a jack-o’-lantern. Say what you will about Linda, she’s got her seasonal surfer dudes down to a science.

But we all know fall isn’t just about more livable outdoor temperatures, porch decor, or overly abundant coziness—fall is also (as Noah Kahan would say) the season of the Spooks. As such, we must let you all know which spooky soda you are based on your zodiac sign. And before you get all defensive and tell us there is no such thing as a spooky soda, take one look at the name of the Cancer soda choice below and tell me that’s not spooky as heck. So grab a reusable straw and a tall glass, and let’s talk soOOOOooooooodas. (Get it? Like a ghost said it.)

Aries (March 21-April 19): Bacon Soda

Everyone likes bacon, everyone likes soda, so when you put them together, by the transitive property of likeability, everyone must love bacon soda. And you know what else people like? Aries folks. It’s likeability city over here, population Aries. And while the concept of bacon soda might be spooky to some, I say bring it on! According to my very legit calculations (see above) this stuff is a winner, just like Aries.  

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Grass Soda

In this tumultuous era of screens everywhere all the time, extremely polarized politics, and guac costing LITERALLY SO MUCH at Chipotle, we are told more and more by concerned friends, therapists, and boomers alike to “go touch grass.” This soda allows us to go one step further: We can go drink grass. And if grass in this context is supposed to symbolize tranquility and reconnecting with nature, then that is very Taurus coded, as Tauruses are known for belonging to the most tranquil and calming of the signs. And yeah, grass soda is a bit spooky, but tell me you’re not just a liiiitle curious what this one tastes like.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Jones Soda Werewolf Piss

Geminis are known for having two sides to them. You know who else has two sides to them? Werewolves. Are all Geminis werewolves? I am not at liberty to say. But either way I had to match Geminis with this here Werewolf Piss soda that actually tastes like…wait for it…orange and chocolate, which, if you were keeping track, is two separate flavors coming together to make a delicious, spooky, and chaotic third flavor—very Gemini.

Read our ranking of every Jones Soda flavor

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Gross Gus’s Dinosaur Dung Soda

Yes, this is a real soda I found online. No, this is not a dig on Cancers—hear me out. Cancers are often not exactly who you think they are at first glance. You may meet a Cancer and think, “Eh, they are fine.” But if you take a minute to get to know them and—BAM—chocolate soda. In other words, if your first impression of them is Gross Gus’s Dinosaur Dung soda, never fear, they make for amazing, sweet, complex chocolate-soda friends once you get to know them.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Mtn Dew Code Red

WEE-OOH WEE-OOH, it’s MTN Dew Code Red. Why is this very normal soda on this list? Because code Red is an alarming and, dare I say it, spooky name for a soda. “Code red” in any other context means all-out disaster, but here in Soda Land it just means another Mtn Dew flavor for us to enjoy. All that is to say, when someone calls something a “code red” it usually requires everyone’s attention, and you know what else requires everyone’s attention? Leos.  

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Celery Soda

Virgos are busy people. Sometimes it can be hard for them to get all their veggies in and we get that. Veggies take time to prepare. But you know what takes no time at all? Celery soda. Because we were all definitely eating celery for the flavor and not the health benefits. Plus, celery soda is inherently spooky. If someone surprised me by making me try this stuff, I’d be more than a little trepidatious (but also more than a little intrigued if I’m being honest—I’ll try anything once).

Libra (September 23-October 22): Blood Sucker Jones Soda

Yeah, the name of this Jones soda is creepy but we actually liked the taste of it (it’s strawberry-lime flavored). Libras love all things balanced and harmonious, and aside from the fact that blood actually is a balanced meal for vampires, we also found the taste of this one to be not bad at all—very strong strawberry with a hint of lime. Strawberry-loving Libras will like this one, despite its spooky name and packaging.

Read our ranking of every Jones Soda flavor

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Mtn Dew VooDEW

I mean, what kind of astrological-faux-journalist would I be if I didn’t pair the most mysterious spooky soda with the most mysterious and spooky sign?! Halloween is Scorpios’ holiday and they wear it with pride, so this yearly mystery flavor released by Mtn Dew during Scorpio season has to be the Scorpio spooky soda pick. Plus, it is usually a pretty delicious candy-themed flavor—big win for Scorpios.

Read our review of Mtn Dew VooDEW 2024

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Jones Soda Zombie Juice

Sagittarians are curious and knowledge-seeking people, which leads me to believe that of all of the signs they are probably the best prepared for an eventual zombie apocalypse. They have done the research and know their stiff and that’s why they get to be Zombie Jones Soda. Plus, we actually really liked this soda’s complex apple flavor, which Sporked editor-in-chief Justine Sterling described as if a “green apple Jolly Rancher and an actual green apple had a carbonated baby.” In other words, this thing is beautiful and complex—just like Sagittarians.

Read our ranking of every Jones Soda flavor

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Ranch Soda

This classic spooky soda has been around for decades, and Capricorns tend to have old souls, so I feel like they can relate to this soda. Plus, Capricorns usually feel like they have to be the down-to-earth friend all the time, but spooky season is the one time of year they get to dress up and be a little crazy, so I say this year all Capricorns should prank their friends and give them this ranch-flavored soda but relabel it as cream soda. What could go wrong?

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Beetlejuice Fanta

Aquarians, I know what you’re thinking. Beetlejuice? Beetlejuice?!?! BeeeeeeEEEEEEEE-cause we are talking about it, that’s why! Aquarians love standing out, being unique, and having that name recognition, and everyone knows Beetlejuice’s name so well that they are always saying it multiple times, especially right now when Beetlejuice is having a moment. And having a moment? That’s the Aquarian dream.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Flamin’ Hot Mtn Dew

I mean, come on—spicy Pisces? We had to do it to ‘em. Plus all those people out there with low spice tolerance? This could be kinda spooky for them! It is bright red, spicy, and it is MTN Dew which personally I do find to be a bit scary. But despite all that, it is still sweet, and being MTN Dew and all, it is also a bit nostalgic. So there you have it—the perfect spooky soda pairing for our sweet, spicy, nostalgic Pisces.