What to Drink to Make It Through Tax Day

Despite what Benjamin Franklin said, three things are certain: death, taxes, and wanting to repeatedly bang your head against a wall while you’re doing your taxes. Well, as good as that might feel, step away from the wall and head to the fridge instead, because we’re gonna help you stock up on some bevs for Tax Day (April 15). Some of these will help you drown your sorrows. Some will help you celebrate when you finally e-file. And others will let you burn the midnight oil while you figure out how much money you’re supposed to give the government, even though the government already knows how much money you’re supposed to give them. Read on, stock up, and let’s get through one of the worst things about adulthood with a little liquid courage.

Golden Rule Tini’s Midnight Lounge Espresso Martini

Last time we checked, you couldn’t buy Sparks anymore, so this is the next best thing if you need a little booze to take the edge off and a pick-me-up so you can burn the midnight oil. It’s an odd duality, I’ll admit, but it truly is the most fun way to drink caffeine when you have to stay up late to figure out how the hell you’re supposed to avoid tax evasion. This teeny-tiny canned Espresso Martini truly tastes like freshly brewed espresso, and it’s the right amount to keep you awake without blowing up your sleep schedule.

Read the full ranking of the best canned espresso martinis

Trader Joe’s Simpler Times

Maybe you’re longing for Simpler Times (like when your parents paid the bills) or maybe you are coming to terms with your tax bill and want something cheap to swig. Either way, this Trader Joe’s beer will do the trick. It’s $8 for a 12-pack! This beer is fresh and malty—not like a standard party beer at all (save the partying you’ll do after you finish your taxes). Sporked editor-in-chief Justine Sterling called this “a perfect day-drinking beer,” but I think it’d be ideal for keeping you refreshed and tipsy while you do math for the first time since college.

Read the full ranking of the best lager beer

Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey Mixed with Coca-Cola

When the filing deadline is approaching and you’re tight on time, there’s simply no time to mix your own cocktails. (Never mind the fact that drinking might slow you down—we are mere mortals and are wont to give in to certain desires, even when it doesn’t make sense.) Luckily, this pre-mixed Jack and Coke is pretty much perfect. Truly, you couldn’t make a better mixed drink yourself.

Read the full ranking of the best canned whiskey cocktails

Juice Monster Pipeline Punch

If you don’t imbibe but need something that will make you feel alive, this is the pick for you. Even if paying your taxes at the last minute is the most extreme activity you participate in, this Monster will hit the spot. With its strong, tropical guava flavor and aroma, this isn’t your typical Monster Energy drink—it contains around 15 percent real juice and has a pleasant fizz that makes it fruity, refreshing, and genuinely delicious. Close your eyes and pretend you’re sipping this on a tropical beach with your toes in the sand instead of at the kitchen table knee deep in receipts.

Read the full ranking of the best Monster Energy flavors

Underwood The Bubbles

When you put the stamp on the envelope (or whatever the e-file version of that is), crack open a can of Champers to celebrate. “It’s less like Champagne in a can and more like Prosecco or Cava in a can, which is to say it’s less toasty and more lemon-forward,” Justine wrote. “It’s crisp and easy drinking, without being too fruity or sweet.” It’s nice that all that deliciousness is packaged in a Monday-friendly can, because who’s out here drinking an entire bottle of champagne on a weeknight?

Read the full ranking of the best Champagne in a can

About the Author

Vinz Karl

Vinz Karl is a freelance contributor to Sporked and self-proclaimed Guy Fieri superfan. He believes in breakfast supremacy and is on a never-ending mission to try every flavor of Oreo out there. Originally from the Midwest, Vinz now resides in Los Angeles, where you can find him going on hikes, checking out new restaurants, and preparing for his eventual casting on CBS's Survivor.

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