People say astrological signs often determine a person’s energy, but we here at Sporked reject that notion and instead believe that, actually, astrological signs determine someone’s energy drink. See what we did there? Of course you do, you intuitive Pisces, you. So read on to find out whether your sign makes you a red bull, a rockstar, or a straight-up monster (energy drink).
Aries: Juice Monster Pipeline Punch
This is well known to be one of the single best tasting energy drinks and Aries loves to be the best, so why not give the people what they want? A perfect Pipeline Punch personality pairing to help our Aries friends take on life with all that zest we know they possess.
Related: The Best Monster Energy Drinks
Taurus: Guayaki Yerba Mate (glass bottle)
Tauruses are calming to be around. Energy drinks are not. Tea, however, is. Conclusion: The most calming energy drink is the tea-based one that comes in a calming tea-looking glass bottle package. That’s right, Taurus is specifically the glass bottle yerba mate, because, despite its 140mg of caffeine (~1.5 cups of coffee, it gets the job done), the bottle maintains the calming aura of tea with its single fruit/herb flavor names and unassuming, unchaotic presence.
Related: The Best Yerba Mate
Gemini: Celsius Sparkling Orange
I know what you are thinking, Celsius isn’t crazy enough for Geminis. First of all, be nicer to Geminis, they are doing their best. Secondly, one time I drank part of a Celsius and became so wired (at my very corporate job, right before a very important meeting with an exec, mind you) that one of my coworkers thought I was on something much stronger than caffeine and was too scared to mention it to me until I brought the moment up months later and talked about the Celsius I drank and she was so relieved we didn’t need to have a much tougher conversation. Point is, Celsius makes the time fly by, just like the company of Geminis 🙂
Related: Best Sugar Free Energy Drinks
Cancer: Juice Monster Mango
Cancers have a hard, unemotional shell and like to protect their innermost thoughts and emotions from others. You know what else has a hard, badass exterior but actually tastes very much like sweet mango juice and abundant hidden emotions on the inside? Juice Monster Mango. The Monster branding gives it an edgy feel, but don’t get it twisted—this stuff is deliciously, deeply sweet and fruity.
Related: The Best Monster Energy Drinks
Leo: Red Bull
What is the first energy drink you think of? Many would say Red Bull. Red Bull has undeniable main character energy as do most Leos, and is thus the perfect pairing for our lovely, dramatic, passionate, fiery, Leos.
Related: The Best Red Bull Flavors
Virgo: Reign Energy Drink
Virgos are some of the most productive people I know. Reign energy drink has electrolytes in it as well as caffeine so you can kill both your energy and hydration birds with the same insanely caffeinated (300 mg!) stone. See? Reign is productive! (Also, I was speaking metaphorically, please don’t kill your birdies, Virgos).
Libra: Zevia Zero Calorie Energy Raspberry Lime
This was Sporked’s favorite energy drink. Why? Because it consists of only a handful of relatively natural ingredients all existing in a super well-balanced equilibrium, just like Libras. The flavors all work together in harmony, and it doesn’t have the same edgy chaotic vibe most other energy drinks possess. This is the Avatar of drinks and Libras are the Avatar of signs—that’s just the way it is, I don’t make the rules.
Related: Best Sugar Free Energy Drinks
Scorpio: Guru Organic Energy Drink
Scorpios are kind of out there and mysterious, just like this energy drink that has apparently been out since I was born but I only heard about just now. Guru energy drink is supposed to be somewhat natural and use organic cane sugar, which is another mystery since energy drinks are not the usual place for those types of ingredients. So just like Guru energy drink, we may not understand you Scorpios, but we love you and we love your work. Keep being our wise, mysterious mom friends, pls and thx!
Sagittarius: Guayaki Yerba Mate (can)
I know I already put the bottled version on this list earlier for Tauruses but, trust me, there is a HUGE difference in vibe between the two. The bottles of Yerb are calming but the cans are basically full energy drinks right on down to the whimsical and lightly aggro names like Bluephoria and Revel Berry. Sagittariuses have to be the yerb cans because Sagittariuses are curious and love pursuing knowledge and when I was in college trying to stay up all night “pursuing knowledge” (aka cramming), this is what I drank to stay up and it made my brain feel like a Maserati (for about five minutes and then I’d fall back asleep or get immediately distracted, but those five mins were fantastic).
Related: The Best Yerba Mate
Capricorn: Rockstar Recovery Orangeade
Capricorns are all about patience and perseverance and this energy drink also has some vitamins and minerals in it for after you persevere through a workout, a long gaming sesh, or a particularly trying conversation with that one coworker (you know who, we all have one).
Related: The Best Non-Carbonated Energy Drinks
Aquarius: Radical Skadattle Bang Energy Drink
As an Aquarius myself, I would say most of my life has qualified as a “radical skadattle.” Let me know if you other Aquarians can relate.
Pisces: Ghost Energy Sour Patch Kids Blue Raspberry
Sour Patch Kids and Swedish Fish are made by the same company, and Pisces? Thems is fish. Also, Pisces are intuitive and empathetic and they would thus know that all people (or maybe just me?) ever want is a Sour Patch Kids Blue Raspberry and lots of it. Also, Pisces are romantic types, and I know for a fact if someone gave me anything Sour Patch Kids Blue Raspberry flavored, whether it was the candy, the energy drink, the cereal, the marshmallows, the vibes, the gum, the ice cream, the GoGurt (especially the GoGurt), you name it, I would probably (consensually) kiss them, and if that isn’t romantic I don’t know what is. Pisces are the best.
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