Tajín, PBR, What Next? Our Top Five Dream Dr. Squatch Soap Collabs

In the last few weeks, the ever-innovative soap crafters at Dr. Squatch have released two culinary collaborations. Their new Mango Tango soap, a light-grit bar infused with mango, chili powder, smoked woods, and sea salt, is inspired by (but does not contain) Tajín. Meanwhile, their new Blue Ribbon Breeze, a light-grit bar with notes of bergamot, peppermint, pine, ozone, and fresh linen, explicitly does contain real Pabst Blue Ribbon.

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With this recent move towards turning popular food and drink into soaps, what should the Dr. Squatch scientists (and marketing team) develop next? Here are five concepts we think would fly off the shelves.

Mountain Dew Baja Blast

This is actually extremely plausible, considering Mountain Dew partnered with a men’s grooming company on Baja Blast moisturizer, shampoo bars, exfoliating bars, and body mists just last year. (There’s even a Mountain Dew Baja Blast hand sanitizer on shelves right now.) My ideal Dr. Squatch/Mountain Dew collaboration would be a zero-grit, visually swirled Lime Cream bar. I could also see the bar being a little grittier in the pursuit of beachiness, since Baja Blast has always had those surfing vibes.

Of course, this is a little less plausible now that Mountain Dew body wash and soap pucks have hit Walmart shelves in collaboration with Duke Cannon… in the middle of writing this piece. Y’all, the graphic for this piece was already done; let’s just pretend Mountain Dew is still wholly legally untethered in the soap space.

Monster Ultra White Energy

Monster Energy is sorely underrepresented in the merchandise department across the board; while a licensed bar of soap isn’t the most obvious choice, I’ll take anything at this point. (Monster: Red Bull is doing apparel drops at Hollister–what are y’all doing? Do you know how many people have asked where I bought the promotional Ultra Punk Punch hat from the promotional mailer earlier this year?)

As for soap, this has to be zero-grit. There’s no world where I want a rough texture on a crisp, citrus-energy-drink-scented bar of soap. I wouldn’t mind some sort of water-activated fizz factor–can we nitrogenate a bar of soap? Some form of emulated carbonation would be crucial to delivering the accuracy of the iconic Dad Monster White Monster.

Guinness Stout

Speaking of dads, this would go crazy during the annual “what do we get our fathers? what do dads even like?” gifting season. Dr. Squatch has already made one soap with actual beer; why not a second one? While the PBR soap is light with a heavy dose of crisp citrus, a Guinness-inspired soap should lean dark, bready, and warm. Let’s have the soap visually emulate a good pint of Guinness as well–add in some sort of embossed logo on each bar and do some kind of a “Split The G” promotion. (You’ve gotta throw the marketing people a bone with some of these instinctively-eugh collaborations.)

Lotus Biscoff Cookie Butter

Cocoa butter has had its time to shine; cookie butter is so in these days. If any of these feel truly possible, it’s this one: Lotus Biscoff Soap would fly off the shelves like no other. A light-grit, buttery soap with (not actual) cookie crumble for that iconic texture? If every dessert on earth can have a Biscoff variant, there’s no reason we shouldn’t extend the trend to soap.

While this might feel like a more natural fit for Dr. Squatch’s line of femme-focused “Jukebox” soaps, I’d like to offer the humble alternative opinion that men, at large, should smell more like airplane cookies and less like Musk™.

KFC Fried Chicken

Would this smell good? Unlikely. Would this smell accurate? If those Chicken & Waffles OREO cookies taught me anything, it’s that the aroma of fried chicken is very replicable in non-chicken formats. KFC is no stranger to the toiletries space; last year, we published a review of 100% authentic Kentucky Fried Chicken toothpaste. Once you’ve crossed that line, soap is actually a step back toward sensible reality.

The real winning factor here is that the soap could be super high-grit to capture that iconic fried-chicken texture. We’ve all seen those hippie farmers’ market soaps with the crazy natural textures; let’s use that same science to turn the Colonel’s secret recipe into something that will degrease us for once.