Here at Sporked, we answer all your burning questions. We tell you which ranch dressing is best, we finally give you the inside scoop on what Necco Wafers taste like, and now, I’m going to tell you which grocery store would play which character on Friends. You can’t say we don’t do the work.
ROSS = Amazon Fresh
Okay, the obvious reasoning here is that this is the nerd store. Amazon’s cyber roots make Fresh just as much of a geek as science-loving Ross. But there’s more to it than that. Amazon Fresh exists as a duality—the service offers both virtual delivery and brick and mortar shops. Similarly, Ross is both the nerdiest of the group and also undeniably attractive. Sure, he started out as a greasy-haired sad sack. But as the seasons went on Ross came into his own. Also, much like you shouldn’t take Ross’s sandwich, you also shouldn’t steal a sandwich from Amazon Fresh. You don’t want to feel the wrath of neither Bezos nor Geller.
RACHEL = Lidl
Fashionable. Hip. A little bit Euro (in the later seasons, at least). Concerned with the finer things in life—but never too good to turn down a deal. Rachel is just like German retailer Lidl. You might not be familiar with the vowel-stingy chain yet, but trust me, you’ll have a Lidl down the street soon enough. It’s one of the fastest growing chains in the country. It’s the new, popular girl in town. Get ready to fall in love and cut your hair just like it.
CHANDLER = Albertsons (and affiliates)
Albertsons is the parent company that owns such ubiquitous stores as Safeway, Lucky, Vons, and Pavilions. Could it be any more normcore? Much like you can’t say what Chandler’s job actually is, you also can’t say what category these grocery stores fall into. They are…supermarket. They are sweater vests and bowling shirts. They do not do well with the ladies. But once you get to know them, you’ll find out they each have their own quirks and charms (have you tried the fried chicken at Albertsons?!). And they’re definitely where Janice shops.
MONICA = Whole Foods
We all know Whole Foods is a little bit of a clean freak. Just picture its pristine produce, perfectly arranged and displayed. And consider the bright, airy atmosphere. It’s the consummate host, welcoming you into its pleasing atmosphere. It’s definitely not cheap. It’s going to charge you a pretty penny for that salad you thought would be an affordable and healthy lunch, but is actually primarily mozzarella balls and chicken. And deep down inside, Whole Foods is also a little bit of a fat kid. Because, sure, the store sells plant-based granola and precisely cut watermelon, but also trays of fresh-baked cornbread and irresistible chocolate chip cookies. And have you seen the cheese section?
JOEY = Costco
I don’t really have to talk this one out, do I? This is a universal fact. Maybe you just realized it, but deep down inside you’ve always known it to be true. If Joey was a grocery store, he would obviously be a Costco. The megastore sells 13-pound packages of ribs and recliners in the same aisle.
PHOEBE = Trader Joe’s
Quirky Trader Joe’s would come waltzing into the audition wearing its signature Hawaiian shirt and clinch the part of Phoebe. With its crunchy, healthy-ish leanings, goofball shelf-talkers, and bubbly, talkative checkout workers complimenting you on your choice of frozen veggie dumplings, TJ’s would easily slide into the role. It’s the open mic night of grocery stores. We’re honestly surprised we’ve never heard “Smelly Cat” playing over the speakers.