I love Trader Joe’s. The vibes are immaculate, the food is decent, the prices are low, and occasionally, once every month or so, you find a new item there that is actually fantastic. Plus, the people there are so nice. I am aware they are told to compliment our grocery choices and they are not actually impressed by the fact that we chose the milk tea and boba ice cream or what is, in their opinion, “a particularly bussin’ low moisture mozzarella.” I am aware it is all a front and they are paid to be nice to me. But in a world that is largely cruel and not nautical-themed, Trader Joe’s is a welcome presence on both fronts. That said, I have had a Trader Joe’s employee ask to guess my sign before (which I’m almost positive is not reflected in their “Trader Joe’s Patented Long List of Nice Things to Say to Randos”), so in honor of that, here is our list of what beloved Trader Joe’s item you are based on your zodiac sign.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Trader Joe’s Hashbrowns
You would be hard-pressed to find a person who hates hash browns. Same goes for Aries. They aren’t necessarily pushing the boundaries but, boy, can they hang. It is very rare that either an Aries or a hash brown patty will ruin the vibe—and that’s why these two must go together.
Read our ranking of the best frozen hash browns
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Everything but the Bagel Sesame Seasoning Blend
Tauruses are a mixed bag. Their very presence is comforting, but they also spice up any situation they are in. What does this remind you of? That’s right, everything but the bagel seasoning. Put this bad boy on any food and it immediately becomes more familiar AND more interesting. Both Tauruses and Everything but the Bagel Seasoning are win-wins in my book.
Read the full ranking of the best Trader Joe’s seasonings
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Jingle Jangle
Much like reaching your hand into a tin of Jingle-Jangle, if you reach out to a Gemini, you never know what you are going to get. You know it is probably one of a few distinct moods, but you can never be too sure which. That said, there is not a bad one in the bunch, so basically both Jingle Jangle and Geminis are here to keep things interesting.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Mini Samosas
You would think Indian food from a store called Trader Joe’s that was founded in Monrovia, California, would be mid at best. Think again. We’ve said it before and we will say it again: Trader Joe’s, for some unknown reason, has surprisingly good Indian food. Similarly, Cancers will surprise you with the sheer amount of personality they have. Whatever your first impression is of a Cancer or of Indian food from Trader Joe’s, you’ll be rethinking it upon your first encounter.
Read the full ranking of Trader Joe’s Indian food
Leo (July 23-August 22): Chili & Lime Flavored Rolled Corn Tortilla Chips
TJ’s rolled tortilla chips are divine. I think they are almost better than Takis…almost. That said, these are THE most talked about snack from Trader Joe’s, hands down. Who is the most talked about of the signs (whether in actuality or in their own minds)? Leos, baybee! And honestly, we should be talking about them more. Both Leos and these chips. They both deserve it, icons that they are.
Read our roundup of Trader Joe’s Products That Are Actually Spicy
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Lemony Arugula Basil Salad Kit
Virgos are busy and veggies take prep. You always end up with too much for one recipe and nothing to do with the leftovers. Enter, salad kits. You bet busy, busy Virgos are using salad kits to make their lives easier, that’s why Virgos have to be this lemony basil arugula salad, which is the best salad kit in Trader Joe’s, if not the world. I introduced my roommate to this one once and now she buys it weekly. There was a time in college when I lived off this salad and meatballs for a few months and, boy, was I a happy camper. This is a top-notch salad that is ridiculously convenient—very Virgo.
Read the full ranking of the best Trader Joe’s salad kits
Libra (September 23-October 22): Pork Gyoza
These are the epitome of a libra food: sweet, savory, bright, juicy, and literally one of the best frozen dumplings out there. They are certainly our favorite. Libras love balance and these are some extremely balanced dumps.
Read the full ranking of the best frozen dumplings
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Garlic Bread Cheese
What even is garlic bread cheese? Is it cheesy garlic bread? Bready garlic cheese? Bready cheesy garlic? It’s an enigma, that’s what. And so are Scorpios. But even though bread cheese seems like a mystery, it also happens to be a fan favorite down at ol’ TJ’s, so who are we to think it’s weird? Same with Scorpios—they’re just doing their thing and it’s usually awesome. And we love that for them.
(This just in: This is a cheese that tastes like garlic bread. Check it out, this stuff is wild.)
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Mee Krob Snackers
These things are crunchy, complex, and absolutely divine, just like most Sagittarians I know. Plus, Sagittarians are the most curious of the signs and are likely to try something new. So for those of you Sagittarians out there looking to pick up a new fave at TJ’s this month, give this noodle-y snack a try—you won’t regret it.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Kimbap
Capricorns are the queens of patience, and when I tell you that this Kimbap is impossible to find in stores, I truly mean it is impossible to find. TJ’s simply cannot keep up with demand, which means finding it in your store takes a few months of waiting and a patience only our lovely, mature, measured Capricorn friends possess.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Unexpected Cheddar
Leave it to Aquarius to do the unexpected always and without fail until, well, you almost expect it from them. Bottom line, both this cheddar and Aquarians are beautifully nutty and sharp, and we know that by now, even they both claim to be ~unexpected~.
Read the full ranking of the best cheese at Trader Joe’s
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Joe-Joe’s
Sweet sweet Pisces. We love them and they love love. They also love all things sweet, nostalgic, and whimsical, and what is more sweet and nostalgic than an Oreo? Very few things. And while I am aware that Joe Joe’s are not Oreos, they are pretty damn close and that should count for something. Plus, the name is adorable. We need to protect the Joe-Joe’s and Pisces of this world.
