Trader Joe’s used to torture me. Back when I was a kid, they’d give me lollipops as a reward for finding Coconut Joe around the store. I’d enter that store in a state of anxiety. I’d go full tactical-mission mode, knocking over orange piles and checking for Joe at my 3 o’clock and my 9 o’clock. Nowadays, Trader Joe’s torments me by rearranging the store every two days, with absolutely no regard for my rickety old knees, and discontinuing products I have come to love. And yet, I still shop there. It’s a part of my life and part of my psyche. Any regular TJ’s shopper has a close, parasocial relationship with the products that crowd its shelves. But is your favorite Trader Joe’s product predicted by the stars? Find out. Here are the zodiac signs as Trader Joe’s products!
Aries, you always have to be number one. So, naturally, I’m pairing you up with the father of many Trader Joe’s products: Everything But the Bagel Seasoning. I mean, they’ve made dips, salmon, and nut mixes out of the stuff! And it all tastes really good! Stop being good at everything. What the heck. Leave some for the rest of us, Aries.
Taurus: Cinnamon Roll Drizzled Granola
Taurus, you are so sweet and comfy. You’re the human embodiment of a warm cinnamon roll sitting by a roaring fire on a snowy winter night. And this Cinnamon Roll Drizzled Granola is that experience in a bag. You can bet your booty that you’ll be sitting by the fire tonight, munching through an entire bag of this extremely good snack, as cozy and content as can be. The End.
Gemini: Joe’s Diner Mac ‘n Cheese
Because Geminis have a tendency to be erratic, they often get labeled as childish—much like mac n’ cheese. But Geminis aren’t just any old mac ‘n cheese. You’reTrader Joe’s mac. It’s good stuff: cheap, easy to make, delicious, and a crowd favorite. Much like a Gemini, this party pleaser dish will help diffuse any stressful situation. It’s also worth noting the versatility of both Geminis and mac n’ cheese. Mac n’ cheese can be anything from a college dorm meal to a fancy shmancy holiday side dish baked with bread crumbs and truffle oil.
Cancer: Fried Olive Bites
For my emotional little Cancers, I present Fried Olive Bites, one of my favorite Trader Joe’s appetizers. It’s got sophisticated flavors, which I hope you Cancers will accept as a peace offering before I go down my usual Cancer-roasting road. Cancers are really, really emotional and they protect their soft innards with a hardened shell. So yes, you get a little fried snack filled with (emotional) goo. And the saddest part—since you like being sad—is that it’s not even a single olive that’s filled with cheese. It’s a bunch of mashed olives reshaped into an olive because isn’t that just the most convenient thing? (Please note the sarcasm in my virtual voice.) Anyway, it’s sort of a mess, like you Cancers. But it’s lovable and delicious nonetheless!
When I’m not busy teasing Cancers and making them into squishy snacks, I’m out here catering to you Leos who just have to be spicy snacks that steal the stage and are super ambitious, blah blah blah. Well, I’m doing it again. This time, Trader Joe’s style. Trader Joe’s Spicy Mochi Rice Nuggets are actually spicy. And they’re unique, just like you!
Virgo: Stripey Joe Cheese
While this cheese is ultimately not so good flavor-wise (it’s just a bit of a jumbled mess), it does perfectly embody the Virgo mindset. It’s a logical next step for cheese consumers like me. Often, I need to buy multiple cheeses for a recipe. I spend so much money buying huge chunks of each cheese, only for the half I don’t use to go bad. So this is an excellent concept, something only a Virgo could come up with. Thank you very much, Virgos.
Libra: Lemon Zest Madeleine Cookies
We all know that Libras are two things: balanced and obsessed with aesthetics. So of course they’d get my go-to Trader Joe’s snack: Lemon Zest Madeleine Cookies. These perfectly shell-shaped beauties are as pretty as they are tasty. The wonders that a dash of lemon zest can do is just…wow. It tastes so much better. The cookie is perfectly balanced and harmonious.
Scorpio: Seasoned Corn Ribs
Hehehe. Mwahahahah. I’ve got you this time, Scorpios. You think you’re the ultimate con artist? Well I’ve conned you by making you into the weirdest, most underwhelming Trader Joe’s product there is. One might call you a corn artist now. But really, I do think that this plays into your strengths, Scorpios. You enjoy being an enigma. Corn ribs are an enigma. Why the heck do they exist? What vegan or vegetarian person was so desperate for ribs that they thought this would make them feel better? And you Scorpios enjoy watching people, and watching people attempt to eat this snack is as enjoyable as it gets.
Sagittarius: Baton Lover’s Quartet
We all know that Sagittarians are constantly evolving. They’re always learning, reassessing their principles, and changing. Rapidly. So the Baton Lover’s Quartet comes in extra handy. There are four flavor choices, so you can pick a different one depending on what you’re feeling like that day. And because Sagittarians have a taste for the unusual, they deserve some unique flavors. These batons aren’t your average chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry-esque flavors. It’s cookies and cream, chocolatey orange, hazelnut, and cocoa.
Capricorn: Parmesan Pastry Pups
Capricorn, you’ve been a full-grown adult since you hopped out of the womb. Example: You’re “too old” to bring pigs in a blanket to a party, so you opt for the Parmesan Pastry Pups. Parmesan, because it’s way cooler than shredded cheddar. Pastry, because calling it blanket is lame. And finally, pups because pigs are too dirty for such a refined appetizer. No, these aren’t dogs, these aren’t puppies, they’re pups.
Aquarius: Chocolate Croissants
Aquarians, you are purposefully esoteric. You would never, ever simply buy a chocolate croissant when you can make them at home. You use big boy words like “proof” and “rest” and “yeast.” But that doesn’t mean you have the time to actually make pastries from scratch. So, that’s where Trader Joe’s comes in. It’s enough of a process that you’ll feel like you’re really doing something. But it’s not so laborious that you’ll get bored, as you so often tend to.
Pisces: Cookie Mug Hangers
Whoever designed these cookie mug hangers sure had an imagination. That’s why this one’s perfect for all of the Pisceans who are prone to fantasizing. The Cookie Mug Hangers, like Pisces, evade distinction. How could you describe this to a friend? “Buy the gingerbread cookie thingies that have a hole in their crotch so you can make them sit on the rim of the mug!’” Who would ever think that this ? Look, even though it’s a strange product to describe, it’s a miraculous invention. So, thank you to whatever Pisces out there made them.