Of all the new Goldfish flavors to hit this year, Harry Potter Goldfish Butterbeer Grahams was not on my 2025 bingo card. Even now, as You Know Who settles into office and our media tows a severe cultural divide like never before, it seems Harry Potter refuses to be irrelevant. In fact, Butterbeer has its own season! (Obviously, this was news to me, but apparently Warner Brothers started doing this last year.) Honestly, I can’t even be mad. We could all use a little comfort and nostalgia right now—even in the form of a new Goldfish flavor.
As a big reader who grew up on these books, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want these “butterbeer” Goldfish to taste like something I would actually get on the Hogwarts Express trolley. Not to give myself (or you) unrealistic expectations here, but it’s not far-fetched to say that I want these to taste, well, a little magical.
We’re going to go on a journey together, ready? Because my initial feelings about this new Goldfish flavor completely changed when I sat down to write my review. Here’s why:
Pros: I thought these were pretty boring at first. I expected a perfect imitation of Universal Theme Park’s frozen butterbeer (which, controversially, I really like) in goldfish form. Nope! These have their own cozy molasses and cinnamon thing going. The flavor has a hint of warm spices, but the real magic is the malty butterscotch finish that I actually adore. I might not be able to buy them from an old Trolley Witch on the train, but it does feel like I’m a little closer to getting that letter by owl. Gloom and doom and Harry Potter controversies aside, that’s pretty cool.
Cons: Consider me Petrificus Totalus-ed, because I did not expect to like these so much. At first, I couldn’t shake the fact that these new Goldfish don’t taste like butterbeer—but how can my specific imaginary interpretation of “butterbeer” dictate what they should taste like? The Three Broomsticks is not a real place. Since they’re based on such an iconic flavor, I do think they lack a certain “wow” factor. But honestly? this new Goldfish Graham could be an instant classic. I wouldn’t be surprised if they reintroduced it again under a different name, as a permanent flavor.
Ariana Losch is a Sporked contributor, webcomic writer, java junkie, and bad TV enthusiast. She only ever feels at peace laying out on a beach like a kebab, roasting in the sun; sadly, she can never move back to Florida, her home state, because there simply isn’t enough good Mediterranean food. You can find her overstaying her welcome at just about every LA coffee shop, working on a screenplay and avoiding all eye contact. (She is embarrassed to be there, please leave her alone.)
Thoughts? Questions? Complete disagreement? Leave a comment!
Thoughts? Questions? Complete disagreement? Leave a comment!