A Hard Seltzer for Every Zodiac Sign

You can tell a lot about a person by their drink of choice. What someone decides to sip can give you clues as to where they grew up, what their vibe is at a party, and how intense their personality is on a scale from one to whiskey. Generally speaking, I’d say that someone whose drink of choice is a hard seltzer is light-hearted, down for a good time, and wants to drink but doesn’t actually like alcohol. But let’s dig deeper. There’s a lot more to uncover in the brand of seltzer that people prefer. So much to discover that, in fact, if you dig deep enough, you can definitively (and very scientifically) decipher which hard seltzer brand pairs perfectly with each zodiac sign. And that’s what we are here to do today.   

Aries (March 21-April 19): Spindrift

Aries are popular. Aries lead the pack. Thus, it’s only right that Aries are Sporked’s top seltzer pick, Spindrift Hard Seltzer. Spindrift Hard Seltzer, with its perfectly balanced flavors and real fruit juice, is the “it” girl of hard seltzers.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): White Claw

Tauruses will be there for you when you need them. They are one of the most reliable signs. White Claw is the hard seltzer that started the hard seltzer craze and has stuck around after all this time. It is the ol’ reliable option in the seltzer market. Thus, it is the Taurus of hard seltzers. Tauruses can also be stubborn. White Claw is stubborn simply by virtue of the fact that it has refused to give up an inch of real estate on the alcohol aisle shelves since hard seltzer madness began.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Nutrl

Nutrl is the Gemini of hard seltzers because it tastes like something (a cocktail) that it’s not. Also, some of the flavors are really good while others are completely not. Geminis get a lot of flack for being two-faced, and guess what, sometimes it’s true and they’re really hard to have in your life, like certain Nutrl flavors. Other times, it’s not true and they’re the best people to have around, like the other Nutrl flavors. It’s a toss up.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Barefoot Hard Seltzer

Something about a brand called Barefoot feels nurturing and intuitive, like many Cancers. Cancers also have an often-underestimated persuasive power to them, making you believe what they want you to believe without you even realizing you were influenced. Barefoot gives off that vibe in the sense that their branding makes you believe they are all natural, healthy, and something you should really lean into, even if they’re most famous for making cheap wine.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Truly

Leos—you either love them or exist in eternal conflict with their strong personalities. They love to be the center of attention and, whether you like it or not, they often deserve to be. With flavors like Unruly Bumpin’ Blue Razz, Truly is truly one of a kind. It’s only right that they are the Leo of hard seltzers.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Vizzy

Vizzy is Virgo, and not just because Vizzy starts with a V and is five letters. Rather, it’s because it contains antioxidants. Vizzy is thinking ahead, it’s planning to combat the potential negative effects that the alcohol will have on the bodies of its drinkers. It has Vitamin C derived from the Acerola plant, not from Vitamin C Inc., where Vitamin C usually comes from (quote me on that). Virgos and Vizzys are five steps ahead of you.

Libra (September 23-October 22): Kirkland Hard Seltzer

There is no doubt in my mind that Kirkland Hard Seltzer is the Libra of hard seltzers. They’re potentially unassuming, but once you give them a try, they will charm you to no end. Kirkland Hard Seltzer is non-confrontational, it’s not clawing for attention, accosting customers with fanciful branding and over-the-top flavors, but that’s only because it knows that the people who get it, get it, and that’s enough for them. 

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Smirnoff Spiked Seltzer

Scorpios are intense. They care about a lot of things and they want you to care about them, too. If Scorpios were a hard seltzer, they would be Smirnoff Spiked Seltzer Coming in at a solid 8% ABV, Smirnoff Spiked Seltzer is…intense, just like Scorpios. The funny business they’re up to is something that no other seltzer company or zodiac sign could even imagine.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Sunny D Vodka Seltzer

Sagittariuses are adventurous and idealistic. They certainly want to have a good time and they’re not afraid to do or say things that other signs might shy away from, such as, perhaps, turning a drink enjoyed exclusively by children into an alcoholic beverage. For this reason, SunnyD Vodka Seltzer is the Sagittarius of hard seltzers. They’re fun, but sometimes, when you really think about it, they’re confusing.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): High Noon

High Noon is on their high horse all the time, let’s face it. Of all the hard seltzer brands, High Noon is among the more ambitious ones in terms of making their boozy, bubbly water seem fancy, mostly because the drinks contain real juice. But don’t get me wrong, High Noon tastes good. Almost every flavor is delightful, which cannot be said about every hard seltzer. These are just a few reasons why High Noon is Capricorn—they’re disciplined and take the responsibility of making good seltzer flavors very seriously.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Quirk

Aquariuses often have an intentionally singular vibe to them. They’re unconventional, they care a lot about a few unique things, they can be outcasts when they feel like the people around them couldn’t possibly understand. You might say they have their quirks. Thus, Aquarius is Quirk.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Nectar

Nectar hard seltzer is most certainly Pisces. Pisces are often incredibly artistic, wise, and gentle mannered. Nectar’s cans are definitely the work of an artist, with an adorable cherub logo in front of a lightly brushed mountain landscape. Their flavors include lychee, asian pear, and yuzu—all delicately crafted to bring out subtle fruit notes that other signs would gloss over.