Listen up, you astrology-loving cool kids. This is the single most accurate vibe check ever concocted, and as far as I am concerned, every single cheese/zodiac sign pairing on this list is indisputable fact. Read on to learn why your birth month makes you aged cheddar and your s/o Velveeta.
Aries: Orange Cheddar
Aries love to be number one. What is the number one cheese most people think of just in terms of ubiquity and “platonic ideal of cheese”-ness? A big ol’ block of delicious, bright orange cheddar. That’s right, Aries, you may be salty at times, but you are also bright and excellent and we love you for being our reliable go-to.
Tauruses are sensitive, soothing, and calming, and, boy oh boy, I can’t think of many things more soothing than a steaming, creamy bowl of Velveeta Shells & Cheese (or anything Velveeta in general, really). Tauruses and Velveeta are both warm, weighted blankets for the soul and no I will not be taking questions at this time.
Gemini: Blue Cheese
Geminis generally have two sides to them. Blue cheese has two colors to it. Geminis can be a bit of an acquired taste, as can blue cheese. Blue cheese really is doing the MOST (flavor-wise), as are Geminis. Not everyone can handle blue cheese, but those who can would defend it with their very lives. For example, I have a childhood friend from Wisconsin and they would likely go to war for blue cheese (and probably also Geminis), so there you go.
Cancers are like the great Parmigiano Reggiano, because much like Cancers, it is very worth the wait to get through that parmesan wheel’s hard emotional outer shell to the glorious, beautiful, cheesy inside. Also, both contain a beautiful nuttiness.
Leo: Feta (specifically in the TikTok pasta)
What is the most popular TikTok recipe of all time? I don’t actually know. But the feta pasta has got to be in the running for top dog, and boy does the phrase “most popular TikTok recipe of all time” have big Leo energy. Yes, much like this pasta, Leos love to be the center of attention, but also like this pasta, it is often well deserved. This pasta hack is truly life-changing. Thanks, feta!
Related: Best Feta Cheese
Virgo: Colby Jack
Two cheeses in one?!?! WHATTT?!? Colby Jack, which also happens to be the names of my Wisconsin friend’s two dogs growing up (they realllllly liked cheese in that household), is really doing the most. But it is precisely the two cheeses in one aspect that makes this cheese undoubtedly Virgo in nature. Virgos are always busy, taking on more and more work and activities until they can barely keep up, but that’s how they like it. Colby Jack allows them to eat more than one type of cheese at once, thus checking two items off their very full to-do list of eating Colby and eating Jack. This is the world’s most efficient cheese.
Name a more balanced cheese than Manchego. See? You can’t. She’s sweet, she’s nutty, she’s fruity, she’s salty, she’s rich—just like all the Libras I know. All these different aspects come together to create one beautiful big-picture cheese. And seeing as Libras are champions of balance and harmony, I can’t think of a better cheese to represent ‘em.
Scorpios are a bit mysterious and misunderstood, and honestly, that reads brie to me. Yes, I love brie, yes it is one of my favorite foods in the whole world. But do I know what it really is? How it’s made? Why the outside is soft? What that white powdery-looking stuff is? Why we can eat that weird powdery stuff and not die? No, I don’t know any of those things, but that doesn’t diminish my love for the iconic, squishy, beautiful cheese one tiny bit.
Related: Say Bonjour to the 7 Best Bries
Sagittarius: Smoked Gouda
You know what they say: Where there’s a fire sign, there’s smoked cheese. Or something like that. Anyway, as curious, intellectual, adventurous types, I wanted to give our Sagittarius friends a bold, flavorful cheese. Smoked Gouda is delicious, but it also makes itself known. The flavor is beautiful, addictive, and unmistakable, and leaves me curious whether it is pronounced goo-duh or chhhhhhhhhow-duh. Either way, fun to say. Almost as fun as Sagittariuses.
Capricorn: Aged Cheddar
Capricorns are known for their patience and perseverance, and what has persevered more than a ten-year-aged extra sharp cheddar? Well, lots of things, really. But in cheese terms, that is still quite a long time. Aged cheddar is truly amazing though, and well worth the Capricornian patience, because once you bite into the crumbly, salty, creamy cheese—with the little crystalline bits adding some texture—by golly, there is little else in this life that even comes close.
Aquariuses are fun, creative, and weird. They are like Zooey Deschanel in all of her roles. They are like that dude in every indie movie whose name is “Leaf” or something and he loves drawing the solar system on his Converse and the movie never shows his house for some reason (probably budget). The point? Aquarians don’t always make the most sense, but that is what makes them great. Enter burrata cheese. It’s a bubble made out of fresh mozzarella and inside that bubble is more mozzarella, except the mozzarella inside is curds mixed with cream and pours out in a creamy, salty sludge when you burst the bubble. It is a strange concept to be sure, but does it make summer salads absolutely slay? It certainly does.
Pisces: Low Moisture Mozzarella
Pisces are romantic types and I know of nothing more romantic and sexy than a beautiful cheese pull. The cheese to get you there? Delicious, salty low-moisture mozzarella. We are talking string cheese, cheese pizza, mozzarella sticks—the classic modes of mozzarella, each more attractive than the last. Pisces are also very empathetic and in terms of anticipating other people’s needs, melty mozzarella is a safe bet nine times out of ten.
Related: Best Shredded Mozzarella