We all have a favorite pasta shape. Personally? My fave pasta shape is “in my stomach,” (nel mio stomaco, if you’re fancy). In other words, I’m not too picky. But here’s the thing: No matter what your favorite pasta shape is, there is 100% a pasta shape that absolutely and objectively maps directly to your astrological sign, and I am here today to tell you what that pasta shape is. So, strap in, straighten your bowties, and open up your orecchiette, because I’m about to boil it all down for you.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Fettuccine
Everybody loves fettuccine alfredo. That is a fact and, no, I will not be taking questions at this time. And much like fettuccine is one of the most popular pastas on the menu, so too are Aries some of the more popular people on this great menu we call life. They are both reliable and amazing and, let’s face it, a bit saucier than spaghetti.
Read Sporked’s rankings of the best fettuccine and the best alfredo sauce
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Macaroni
Tauruses are a comforting presence, and I firmly believe that there is no pasta more comforting than macaroni. Whether it is in a creamy, dreamy, macaroni and cheese, a delicious refreshing macaroni salad, or macaroni hot glued to the frame of a drawing you did of your mom when you were in kindergarten, macaroni makes any dish, art project, or situation better, just like Tauruses. Plus, what a range that is! Way to be multifaceted, Tauruses.
Read Sporked’s ranking of the best boxed mac and cheese
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Cavatappi
First of all, cavatappi will never not make me think of Principal Cavatappi from New Girl. I have no idea why that name stuck in my head (it is 100% because I was just hungry while watching New Girl). As for why this pasta is at all Gemini-related? Well, while many pastas are either corkscrews or tubes, Miss Cavatappi does both. Cavatappi has a twist like rotini but it’s also a tube like macaroni. In other words, two distinct qualities coming together to make a cohesive whole that, let’s face it, looks chaotic as heck but absolutely rocks the pasta salad world. I don’t know about you, but that all strikes me as very Gemini.
Related: How to Make the Ultimate Pasta Salad
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Ravioli
You may not know what a Cancer is thinking just by looking at their face, the same way you might not know what is inside a ravioli just by looking at its face. Cancers contains multitudes, y’all (just like a good ravioli), but you kind of have to break through the outer façade to get to the meat of the personality (or ricotta and spinach if you are a vegetarian Cancer). Everyone needs to pick a Cancer and get to know them better—you will NOT be disappointed.
Read Sporked’s ranking of the best cheese ravioli
Leo (July 23-August 22): Spaghetti
Because of COURSE Leos are spaghetti. What kind of amateur food astrologer would I be if Leos weren’t spaghetti?
Read Sporked’s ranking of the best spaghetti
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Angel Hair (Capellini)
This one is actually very simple—all of the Virgos I know are not only insanely busy but also still love to cook for themselves (because they are magical productive unicorns I guess?). Enter angel hair, one of the fastest cooking pastas out there due to it being, well, as thin as an angel’s hair (I assume, I have never actually met an angel nor gauged the thickness of their hair). Also, angel hair is such a great pairing with literally any pasta sauce. I would have Angel Hair plain with olive oil just for the awesome texture. In the same way, Virgos have this amazing ability to thrive in many different situations. Props to you, Virgos.
Read Sporked’s ranking of the best pasta sauce
Libra (September 23-October 22): Rigatoni
Libras are the queens of balance. You know what else is the queen of balance? Rigatoni. Why is rigatoni the king of balance, I hear you cry? Because, my friends, this pasta just holds sauce so well. They are totally tubular (that one turtle from Finding Nemo and also your surfer friend Ahxton would love them), so sauce collects on the inside of the tube, plus, the ridges on the outside grab sauce as well. If you want to taste pasta and sauce equally in every bite, go for some rigatoni. And invite all your Libra friends they will love it.
Read Sporked’s ranking of the best pasta sauce
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Gnocchi
Scorpios can be a bit mysterious at times. They just seem so cool and enigmatic over there doing whatever Scorpios do. Similarly, gnocchi is great and everyone loves it, but how many people know what it even is really? Is it pasta? Boiled potato balls? Savory Italian marshmallows? All three? Truly a philosophical quandary, just like Scorpios are.
Read Sporked’s ranking of the best gnocchi
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Orecchiette
I always learn the coolest fun facts from my Sagittarius friends, so here’s one right back atcha: orecchiette means “little ears” in Italian, and me and my little ears could listen to a Sagittarius talk about some interesting topic they happen to know about all day long.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Lasagna
Capricorns are known for their patience, and you know what pasta dish takes a boat load of time? Lasagna, baybee! You have to layer everything, and then sometimes you cook the pasta ahead of time and sometimes you don’t, but either way, it then has to go into the oven for a bit—it’s a whole thing. But thank goodness there are Capricorns out there willing to take the time to do this, because otherwise where would we get our lasagna fix?!
Read Sporked’s ranking of the best frozen lasagna
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Conchiglie (shells)
Don’t come for me—I know Aquarius is technically an air sign, but the symbol looks like waves and the name sounds like water, hence shells. Plus, I am an Aquarius and I LOVE shells. Specifically of the pasta variety. Preferably the BIG ones. Especially in a creamy mac situation or stuffed with ricotta cheese.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Bucatini
Pisces are the most romantic of the signs, and while you might be thinking they should pair with spaghetti for Lady and the Tramp-ing purposes, hear me out. First of all, bucatini is thicker and sturdier than spaghetti so you can still Lady and the Tramp it AND it will be less likely to break. Secondly, bucatini means “hole” in Italian (make of that what you will 👀). Thirdly, it’s just so whimsical to have a long tube of food, and Pisces are the most whimsical of the signs. Is there any other pasta shape you could actually use as a straw to drink up sauce like a Red Vines-in-soda situation? No, there is not.
Read Sporked’s ranking of the best pasta sauce
Offended on behalf of all the Leos in the world to be considered the most basic pasta when we are loud obnoxious flamboyant creatures.
On behalf of all Leo’s, I would like to apologize for whatever some soggy half flaccid piece of spaghetti did to you to label us the worst and thrash us in the other star signs!
All in good fun though, it was an entertaining read, thanks for putting it out there!
Im a virgo, and a chef and Angel hair is one of my most hated pasta because it overcooks so easily. Soooo, try again maybe?