One big benefit of being a kid in the ’90s and early 2000s was that the snacks were on point. Health wasn’t necessarily as much of a focus as “cool and tasty things kids will like and parents can easily throw together.” And that focus meant all of the bangers in the list below were staples in many of our childhood lunchboxes. But now here we are as adults and what do we get? A salad? A frozen meal? Leftovers? A beef jerky stick, a handful of edamame, three blueberries, and some saltines (I reallllllly needed to go to the store that week)? Things could be different. They could make the amazing kids snacks listed below into kid snacks for grownups, and then we could all eat lunch like the giant child we feel like on the inside. Snack companies of the world, please read this and get to work, please n’ thanks!
- Ritz Handi-Snacks Crackers ‘N Cheesy Dip (specifically back when they had the little red stick)
No notes. Truly. I would eat these as-is, even if I were the richest, most fancy gourmet gal on god’s flat, hexagonal earth. But if they did make a gourmet version of this kids snack with Raincoast Crisps as the crackers, Fromager D’Affinois as the cheese, a tiny gold spoon as the spreader, and a liiiiiittle compartment for fig jam, well, I just might entirely lose my shit (and all of my money…on cheese). What joy this little packet of heaven would bring into every single corporate workday. The creamiest cheese, the perfect crunchy complex cracker, the sweet jam, the theatrics of a tiny spoon?!? Get on it, Ritz! Take my money!
Imagine a world with Guava Gushers. Piña Colada Gushers. Ginger-Lime Gushers. Pomegranate-Blueberry Gushers. Passionfruit-Tangerine Gushers. Lychee-White Nectarine Gushers. I could name more. And I would buy even more than I can name. As with the aforementioned Handi-Snacks, I love Gushers as-is and feel no shame about that. But imagine if Gushers came in the above flavors, were about 100% larger, and came in a tray inside a box, each in their own compartment like the fruity, juicy, chewy, iteration of chocolate truffles that they are. We need to give gushers the same respect as those super expensive Japanese strawberries. And I know that sounds absolutely crazy, but sometimes crazy is what gets you a giant box of huge, artfully flavored Gushers on Valentine’s Day. Just think about it. These would be the ultimate kids snacks for grownups.
I mean, gosh, just think of the breakfasts! The road trips! The not needing to remember a spoon in your adult lunchbox. Plus, the grown-up version of Go-Gurt would be filled with Greek yogurt and fruit jam in flavors like the Trader Joe’s passionfruit guava yogurt, vanilla yogurt with a blackberry jam swirl, lemon meringue pie Greek yogurt with a lemon curd ribbon, and even a pumpkin spice Greek yogurt Go-Gurt with a caramel-cinnamon swirl. So Come on Chobani, Dannon, Oikos, and TJ’s, show us the adult version of the famous on-the-go ‘gurt.
- Scooby Doo Fruit Snacks
These would be basically the same as the original fruit snacks except they’d be Ted Lasso, Bridgerton, and Succession themed. The Bridgerton ones would have a spoon-shaped gummy so you can eat a spoon just like the Duke, and also one shaped like a diamond (of the highest water, of course), among other lovely shapes. The Ted Lasso pack could have one of each of the main characters as gummies and come in a cute box instead of a packet, just like Ted’s shortbread. Or maybe it’s just all the letters of the word “Believe.” That would be frickin’ adorable. And of course, the Succession gummies will be constantly fighting it out to see who is CEO of being a gummy (so much suspense in one tiny foil packet, certainly no longer relegated to the category of kids snacks). These would be great for themed parties or as conversation starters when eating lunch with those colleagues you only kind of know.
I mean, this is an obvious one. You can sort of get these at Starbucks (those plastic things with the egg and cheese and grapes), but I want a mass-produced, Lunchables brand, adult option complete with chunks of aged sharp cheddar; nice, name-brand Ritz crackers; a little packet of almond butter; two little Biscoff cookies; a cup of yogurt, and some dark chocolate-covered espresso beans. I understand that if these things are going to be mass produced it may have to be a BYOV (bring your own veggie) kind of party, but if they could find a way to sneak carrots and ranch in there, well, I think I’d be all set. Imagine how much easier life would be if you could grab one thing out of your fridge and just be all done making lunches for the day. Plus it includes veggies, protein, starch, and importantly, caffeine. This is truly the dream for adults everywhere. What do you say Lunchables, make our dreams a reality?