In 2023, it’s pretty big waste of energy to hate the Kardashians. If we’ve learned anything in the 15-or-so years since a sex tape launched them to stardom, it’s that animosity only serves to fuel their outsized influence. The more terrible, out-of-touch things they do and say, the more controversy they generate, the more enmeshed they become in the collective consciousness. It’s a real resistance-is-futile-situation. So, as they say, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Or since you can’t actually join ’em (you don’t work hard enough!), join the ranks of people who blithely buy their skincare and overpriced loungewear and, in this case, energy drink collabs.
Wellness brand Alani Nu recently released Kimade, a low-cal, low-carb, zero-sugar energy drink that packs 200 mg of caffeine per 12 ounce can. If you’re planning to go to Alani Nu’s website to buy some, it’s already sold out (shocker), but you can check out some photographs of potential use cases. For instance, Kim Kardashian apparently drinks this beverage while she lifts weights in high heels and a swimsuit and when she goes skiing without any pants on. Obviously, it doesn’t matter whether or not the stuff tastes good, but, hey, I’m going to tell you anyway. In a sense, this is me getting my f***ing ass up and working.
- Alani Kimade
Annoyingly, Kimade tastes pretty good. I couldn’t put a finger on the flavor when I first took a sip. It reminded me of Sweetarts dissolved in carbonated water—very sweet, quite tangy. According to Alani, it’s pink lemonade flavor, and that tracks. Pink lemonade is basically just lemonade with a sweeter fruit component (strawberry, in this case). And that’s what this tastes like. Did I mention it’s sweet? One more time for emphasis: This stuff is sugar free, but it is sweet. If you regularly drink Alani, you’re probably used to the flavor and aftertaste of their artificial sweetener blend, but it might be a little off-putting for everyone else.
Flavor aside, Kimade will succeed because—like so many other Kardashian products—it meets the zeitgeist head on. Here we are in the throes of Barbiemania, and this pink-on-pink drink arrives on the scene. What better bev to slam before you meet up with the girlies to watch Margot Robbie dismantle the patriarchy in two-hours flat? But if you do drink this when you go skiing, please promise me you’ll wear pants.