Your Valentine’s Day Horoscope (in Candy Form)

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and you know what that means: It’s time to psychoanalyze your significant other and get them a sweet treat that truly matches their wacky, quirky, Zooey Deschanel-esque personality (@Aquarians). But if you aren’t into that whole psychoanalysis thing and would rather not de-closet any of your partner’s skeletons this year, there’s no better way to figure out what to get them than to consult their Valentine’s Day horoscope and find out which candy is their perfect match (but not more perfect than you, naturally).

Aries (March 21-April 19): Sour Patch Hearts

valentine's day candy zodiac aries

Who doesn’t like Sour Patch Kids? Nobody, that’s who. Same with Aries folks—they are one likable bunch. Even the people who don’t like chewy, fruity candy can usually tolerate Sour Patch Kids in the same way people will usually tolerate (but generally actively enjoy) an Aries Kid in the room. Neither is cloyingly sweet, but they sure are nice.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Lindt Strawberries and Cream White Chocolate Truffles

valentine's day candy zodiac taurus

There are few things in this little life of ours that are creamier, dreamier, or more soothing than a Lindor Truffle. These Strawberries & Cream truffles aren’t just comforting and smooth like a Taurus, they also have a slight tangy little zing of strawberry, which means these aren’t one-note—much like the Taurus in your life.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Box of Chocolates

valentine's day zodiac gemini

Geminis are like a box of chocolates…you never know what you’re gonna get.

Read our ranking of the best boxes of Valentine’s Day chocolate

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Valentine’s Themed M&M’s

valentine's day zodiac cancer

Some things are not only great to look at but also great to interact with, too. That’s both Cancer folks and M&M’s in a nutshell (or should I say candy shell). Cancers and M&M’s are uniquely fantastic at what they do (in the case of M&M’s that is being chocolatey and delicious), and both have an outer shell you have to get through before you truly know what’s going on inside them.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Sweethearts

valentine's day candy zodiac leo

Leos are generally at the center of most conversations, and these Sweethearts literally ARE the conversation every Valentine’s season. Sweethearts are THE Valentine’s Day candy gift. A box of chocolates is a gift for any time of year, but Sweethearts? They’re the main character of Valentine’s Day. Very Leo.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Ring Pop

valentine's day horoscope virgo

Virgos are always running around getting things done. And do you think busy people have the time to shop for candy AND jewelry? Hell nah. Virgos are too busy singlehandedly saving the world to do double duty when they’re hunting for Valentine’s presents. Enter the Ring Pop—our efficient, organized lil Virgos can kill two birds with one blingy-lookin’, sugar-composed stone this year.

Libra (September 23-October 22): SweeTARTS Conversation Hearts

valentine's day horoscope libra

I’ll say it. Someone has to. These may not be the main character of Valentine’s Day. These may not even be a side character. But boy is a SweeTART’s flavor way more balanced than the flavor of a Sweetheart. Instead of plain old chalkiness, you get a bit of chalkiness paired with a satisfying candy necklace-esque crunch and a sourness so prominent you almost forget these hearts are mostly made of sugar. The balance is there, and balance- and harmony-loving Libras would be proud.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Twix Valentine’s Minis

valentine's day horoscope scorpio

Left Twix? Right Twix? Is there a difference? Should you be the same Twix as your s/o or different? The whole Left Twix-Right Twix thing has always been a mystery anyway to me. I get that it is marketing but like…why? What is so compelling about it? This air of mystery strikes me as very Scorpio, the most mysterious of the signs.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Haribo Be Mine Mix

valentine's day horoscope sagittarius

Sagittarians are a curious bunch and unlike a lot of Valentine’s Candy (which can tend to be a bit one-note), this Haribo mix comes through with multiple flavors, all the Valentine’s Day colors, and a chew that gives you flavor for a loooong time. It is a variety of textural and flavor(al) experiences I think a curious Sagittarius would love. Plus, our Sagittarius friends, like Haribo gummies, both tend to ~stick around~ until the end, and that’s why we love ‘em.

Read our ranking of the best Haribo gummies

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Dove Chocolate Hearts

valentine's day horoscope capricorn

Honestly? I paired these with Capricorn because my grandma is a Capricorn and she loves these. But if you MUST have a zodiac-related reason, these hearts only come around once a year (around Valentine’s) so you gots to wait for them if you want them, and patient, patient Capricorns are just the sign for the job. Plus, they’re sweet.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Fun Dip

valentine's day horoscope aquarius

Fun Dip is insane. I love it. It’s like dipping a piece of sugar chalk in a sour Pixie Stix and then licking it until both are gone. It is magical, it is innovative, and it is just quirky enough that Aquarians like myself can’t get enough of it. From kindergarten through sixth grade, this was the highlight of Valentine’s Day, just like Aquarians are the highlight of most other peoples’ days (I’m not biased, so don’t @ me).

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Hershey’s Kisses

valentine's day zodiac pisces

Nothing says sweet, nostalgic, whimsical Pisces like a Hershey’s Kiss. The candies already have an air of romanticism due to being named after smooches. And the fact that they are chocolate (and even come in some Valentine’s Day varieties) just makes this pairing even more accurate. Sweet, chocolatey kisses for our sweet Pisces friends and lovers—it just makes sense!

P.S. For the longest time my aunt thought the poop emoji was a Hershey’s kiss. When she was informed otherwise she realized she had a lot of explaining to do.

About the Author

Jessica Block

Jessica Block is a freelance contributor to Sporked, a comedian, a baker, a food writer, and a firm believer that Trader Joe's may just be the happiest place on earth. She loves spicy snacks, Oreos, baking bread, teeny tiny avocados, and trying new foods whenever she can. Also, if you give her a bag of Takis she will be your best friend.

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