There are many reasons you might want to eat silently. Maybe you’re mid-meeting and didn’t have enough time for a full breakfast. Or maybe you have a cat like mine who thinks that any time food is being eaten, he needs to be involved. Regardless of your reason, there may come a time when you’re in need of a stealthy snack. Lucky for you, I’ve snacked my way through many a college lecture, and I know the best silent snacks for the job.
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A Slim Jim is the perfect meaty, crunch-free snack. You may be thinking, “Hey Naajia, what about beef jerky?” But the smell released by a single bag of jerky is louder than any crunch would be. Not so with a Slim Jim. This hardy, protein-packed tube usually ends up satisfying my snack craving after just one Jim, and the snap isn’t actually disruptive enough to blow you through a wall, despite what Macho Man Randy Savage would have you believe. This makes it even better for stealth-snacking because you won’t need to keep going back for more. One and done! Finally, I ask you this, if I wasn’t meant to bring Slim Jims to lecture, why are they so pocket-sized? The math just ain’t adding up.
Fruit leather doesn’t have a crunch, at least I would hope not. Fruit leather comes in plenty of consistencies, ranging from thick and chewy to thin and pliable. All types are quiet enough compared to, say, a crinkly bag of Welch’s Fruit Snacks that you are constantly wrestling with to get the last few out. Who needs to draw that kind of attention to themselves in the middle of a video call? Certainly not anyone in need of this article A.K.A. the Stealth Snack Gang.
Whoever decided to package yogurt in a tube needs a raise because they’re looking out for all of us spoonless yogurt lovers on the go. Truly the only thing separating you and your yogurt fix is a teeny tiny perforated edge. And the fact that I don’t have to worry about a spoon clanking around a tiny bowl of yogurt makes me want to pack a tube of yogurt with me everywhere for all of my covert snacking needs. Plus, being able to push all of the yogurt out of the tube negates the need for any loud slurping.
My love affair with snacking cheese may never end, because just when I think I’ve found all the uses for it, I find another one. Even “hard” cheese is soft, so biting into one of these bad boys isn’t going to be turning any heads with curious ears attached. And cheese sticks aren’t really sharable, which squashes the possibility of someone catching sight of your cheese stick and asking for a bite, which would potentially jeopardize your whole undercover snacking operation. Trust me, the last way you’d want to get pinched is by letting someone take a bite of your cheese stick.
What is the sound of one Jell-O cup jiggling, and does it even make one? Don’t think so. A Jell-O cup is a little more involved than a squeezable yogurt or a cheese stick, but the total lack of rigidity simply cannot be ignored. If we’re somehow able to resist the urge to slurp a cup of fruit-flavored gelatin, it should be smooth sailing decibel-wise. Now, a spoon would be of great assistance here, but Jello on its own has enough of a weight to it that, once you get those first few scoops out, good ol’ gravity will be able to help you out with the rest.