It’s Not Delivery, It’s 7 Frozen Pizza Flavors That Should Exist

Let’s get one thing straight: Most flavors of frozen pizza already exist. It’s a hugely saturated market. The Sporked team has tried everything from a meatless cheeseburger pizza to a veggie pizza with more feta than your average Greek salad to a vegan pizza that just has a bunch of caramelized onions instead of cheese (which was surprisingly good). But that’s the thing about human creativity—it knows no bounds. Innovation is inevitable, so we’re taking it upon ourselves to come up with some ideas so frozen pizza companies can turn those intangible notions into edible action (otherwise known as pizza). Here is a list of frozen pizza flavors that should exist.

Biergarten: Yes, the ultimate game-day, pub-trivia, or really-any-day pizza. It would have a pretzel crust (kind of like a soft pretzel) and then I’m thinking either cheese and bratwurst or spicy mustard and bratwurst, because we all know when it comes to biergartens, the wurst is the best.
Cubano: Yes, like the classic sandwich. People already like ham on pizza, so let’s build on that. I want to see a delicious enriched-dough crust piled high with ham; roasted pork; pickles; melty, gooey, Swiss cheese; yellow mustard; and maybe some caramelized onions, because why not? Give this one a little extra time in the oven and it would be so. good.
Lox and Cream Cheese With Everything Bagel Crust: I want this so badly, but I do understand there are logistical complications. My solution? All the fixings come frozen in the package. You bake the everything bagel crust (that comes already covered in cream cheese) while you thaw everything else. Then, you spread tomatoes, cucumbers, capers, onions, and lox all over the piping hot pie so it ends up tasting like the classic lox and cream cheese on a freshly baked bagel. Somebody produce this, please. (We’re looking at you, Wolfgang Puck.)
Caramelized Onion and Goat Cheese (plus instructions for how to crack an egg on it in the oven): This would simply slay my world. Creamy, funky, salty goat cheese. Sweet, salty, umami caramelized onions. You can optionally crack an egg on it before it goes in the oven and the yolk will just make everything richer. This one would be such a treat with balsamic glaze that you could probably even serve it as a fancy appetizer. Why more frozen pizza companies aren’t getting into the fancy apps game is beyond me.
BBQ Pork Bao: I mean. Have you had a BBQ pork bun? Imagine the filling from a steamed BBQ pork bao as the sauce on a pizza, topped with mozzarella cheese, green and red onion, and sesame seeds. Are you hungry yet? Someone’s already making pizza-stuffed bao, so I’m confident this can work.
Al Pastor: If you’ve never been to San Francisco and had an al pastor burrito somewhere in the Mission District, let me tell you, it just might change your life. But you know what else this shaved, seasoned pork could do? Change the frozen pizza game. I’m picturing a pile of al pastor meat, stretchy Oaxacan cheese, and slices of pineapple on a thin crust for maximum foldability. I know, I know. Pineapple on pizza is divisive, but I think this application could change some haters’ minds.
Mozzarella Stick Crust: I know stuffed-crust pizza exists (DiGiorno’s is our favorite cheese pizza, in fact), but that’s not what I’m picturing here. What I want is crust that’s one big mozzarella stick (I guess more of a patty?) or a regular ol’ dough bottom crust encircled by one long, circular mozzarella stick. I’ll leave the final structural decision to our heroes, the food developer people. Imagine dunking this into marinara. Pizza bones shall never be left on plates again. DiGiorno…make my dreams come true?