Buckle your seat belts and call your mothers, because today you officially find out if you are a diner, a drive-in, or a dive. Er, sort of. We’re actually going to get a bit more granular with it and tell you exactly which Guy Fieri branded packaged food product you are based on your zodiac sign, and y’all? He has a lot of products—the Sporked crew has taste tested his sauces, his canned booze, and his frozen meals—so get ready to be dipped, microwaved, or Keurig-afied (metaphorically) as you find out which feisty, Fieri-themed, Flavortown delicacy fits your personality based on your zodiac sign. (Oh and in case you were wondering, Guy Fieri is an Aquarius.)
Aries (March 21-April 19): Flavortown Poppin’ Jalapeño Sauce
Aries are feisty, competitive, and intense, and so are jalapeños—especially if they are “poppin’” ones. You don’t always know how much heat you are going to get on any given day, from Aries folks or jalapeños, but hey, that’s the fun of having them around.
Read our review of every Flavortown sauce
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Flavortown Cheesy Lasagna with Pepperoni Marinara Sauce
There are few things more soothing than molten cheese, pasta, and marinara sauce—except maybe the presence of your Taurus friends. But much like molten cheese, try to contact your Taurus friends too early and you will get burned. Patience is key here on all fronts—don’t ask me how I know.
Read our review of every Guy Fieri frozen meal
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Flavortown Sweet & Sour Pork Bowl
Sweet and sour, Chaos and Order, Phineas and Ferb—all of these conflicting entities are living in every Gemini person at every hour of every day, and I do mean 24/8. That is why Geminis must be this sweet and sour pork bowl from Guy Fieri’s Flavortown frozen food line. This protein and rice bowl is not just a bowl. It represents the dichotomy of man…or rather, Geminis specifically.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Guy’s American Diner Blend K Cup
Hear me out because this one is a bit meta. When you first see these Guy Fieri Diner Blend K Cups, you think, “Okay this is just plain ol’ coffee.” But then you realize that while there’s a diner blend K Cup, there’s no drive-in or dive blend! Suddenly, this K Cup is unique. It’s interesting. It is one of a kind, and you know what? It’s got something to say if you give it a little time (which isn’t much, because a Keurig is a notoriously expedient way to make coffee).
Anyway, that is the exact mental journey you take when you meet a Cancer. I rest my case.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Flavortown Famous Donkey Sauce
I mean, it’s famous and tastes like a donkey! What more could a Leo want?
Note: Donkeys apparently taste like garlic aioli.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Flavortown Mop Sauce BBQ Sauce
Mop sauce is typically used for slathering on meat in the BBQ process, but hey, who has the time to concoct a perfect, homemade tangy BBQ glaze for your summer cookout? Not Virgos, that’s for sure. They are busy solving climate change, organizing their books by color, and stopping low-rise jeans from coming back. They are out here doing the lord’s work, so it tracks that the lord and savior of Flavortown could make them a premade sauce and throw them a bone so their perfectly smoked meats can fall right off it.
Read our ranking of the best BBQ sauce
Libra (September 23-October 22): Guy’s Kansas City BBQ Sauce
Kansas City BBQ sauce tends to be thick and sweet, and it’s a personal fave of mine. Why? Because the balance of flavors is unreal. KC-style sauces are sweet, smoky, tangy, spicy, umami, chock-full of warm spices, and literally perfect on any protein, in any situation. You know who also loves balance and fits well into every situation or mix of friends? Libras. Libras are the sauce that holds the function together, and I stand by that.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Flavortown Top Secret Sauce
Shhhhhh it’s a secret. It’s a mystery. It’s a burger sauce, but don’t tell anyone because then Guy Fieri will have to kill you. (Just kidding, he would never do that. He’s too nice. Worst he would do is sue.) We may kind of, sort of have an idea what this top-secret sauce contains, but if you ignore the ingredients listed on the side of the bottle, this secret sauce and our Scorpio friends are among life’s greatest mysteries.
Read our ranking of the best burger sauce
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Guy’s Carolina #6 Mop & Slop BBQ Sauce and Marinade
Sagittarians are knowledge seekers and love to go down rabbit holes, so I’m sure all the Sagittarians reading this already knew that Carolina BBQ sauce is either mustardy or vinegary and spicy—and they also probably knew that Carolina sauces are some of the best BBQ sauces out there. Not sure what BBQ sauce to use? Ask a Sagittarian—they can probably name all of them, plus all of the unique regional characteristics of each one.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Guy’s Hazelnut Cinnamon Roll Brioche Cannelle Noisette
I first read the name of the Guy Fieri K Cup and thought, “Damn, that’s a long name. Who has the patience for that?” and then I immediately thought, “Capricorns.” Ultimately, the name of this K cup is actually just “Hazelnut Cinnamon Roll,” but I suspect they went with the French because these are sold in Canada. Anyway, even though it doesn’t take that much patience to say the full name of these K Cups, Capricorns are mature, and mature people have coffee machines and drink their daily cuppa Joe at home instead of spending $8 for a cup of 95% Milk, 4% ice, and 1% coffee at a diner, a drive-in, a dive, or da local coffee shop.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Guy’s Root Beer BBQ Sauce
First of all, as I previously mentioned, the Mayor of Flavortown himself is an Aquarius, so take that in and be proud of your Aquarian brethren. Second of all, this sauce sounds a little quirky. But honestly? It kind of sounds like it might be just quirky enough to work. The sticky-sweet, herbaceous flavor of root beer sounds like it would be great on some fall-off-the-bone ribs.
Read our ranking of the best root beer
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Guy’s Caramel Apple Bread Pudding K Cup
Sweet, sweet Pisces—they really are too good for us. You know what else is sweet? These Caramel Apple Bread Pudding flavored K Cups by Guy Fieri. Caramel apple is such a nostalgic, cozy flavor for so many people, and Pisces are the queens of nostalgia. So whether you choose to spend time with your Pisces friends or to simply take a sip of this caramel apple coffee, get ready to feel those warm and fuzzy, cozy feels.
Thoughts? Questions? Complete disagreement? Leave a comment!