These days, you can’t swing a pickle without hitting at least five pickle-flavored products. Everyone’s getting in on the action, from Hidden Valley, purveyor of limited edition pickle ranch, to Van Leeuwen, an ice cream brand that recently released a dill pickle pint. People love pickles. Brands are onto us. And it’s actually a good thing for all us briny boys. Case in point: the new Heinz Pickle Ketchup, a condiment no one asked for but everyone needs. Allow me to elaborate.
First of all, Heinz is the king of ketchup. When we taste tested dozens of ketchup brands, Heinz came out on top. That seems so boring, I agree, but it really is the best: bright, tangy, umami. It’s so perfect, in fact, that it might seem like it would be hard to improve upon, but I think Heinz Pickle Ketchup actually pulls that off. Three out of three pickle lovers on the Sporked staff agree, this stuff slaps.
Pros: If you also love pickles (apparently 73% of Americans do), this pickle-infused Heinz ketchup is perfection. It has the sweetness and umami of Heinz with a burst of dill pickle flavor that feels so seamless given that vinegar is among ketchup’s key ingredients. It’s dilly and briny, but still has that sweet ketchup backbone. If you like the toppings situation on a classic McDonald’s hamburger—ketchup, pickles, and those delicious reconstituted onion niblets—you are going to freak out for this. It captures that flavor, but you can add it to things that taste better than McDonald’s burger patties—say, one of the best frozen burgers or, you know, a shoe (just kidding, I actually really love McDonald’s burgers).
Cons: In terms of taste, texture, and overall enjoyability, I truly have zero notes. The only con I can conjure is that this stuff won’t be on grocery store shelves in the U.S. until early 2024. But it’s worth the wait, I’m telling ya.
Howdy! I’m Gwynedd, Sporked’s managing editor. I live in Los Angeles and have access to the best tacos the U.S. has to offer—but I’m a sucker for a crunchy Old El Paso taco night every now and then. I’ve been at Sporked since 2022 and I’m still searching frozen mozzarella sticks that can hold a candle to restaurant sticks.
Why you should trust me: I’ve been a journalist for 20 years (yikes), a consumer of food for 40-plus years, and I’m truly hard pressed to think of foods I don’t like (or that I can’t tolerate at the very least). Oh and one time I cooked my way through Guy Fieri’s cookbook and wrote about the journey through Flavortown.
What I buy every week: Trader Joe’s Original Savory Thins. Fat free plain yogurt (usually Fage or Nancy’s). Honeycrisp apples. Sweet cream coffee creamer for my at-home Americanos. A frozen cauliflower crust pizza and some jarred mushrooms to top it with. Old El Paso Stand ‘N Stuff taco shells and Gardein Ground Be’f, even though I think “be’f” is a nightmarish contraction.
Favorite ranking: Stouffer’s frozen dinners. I don’t own a microwave (I get my cancers the old fashioned way!), so I love taste testing things that I don’t really buy to eat at home.
Least favorite ranking: Soy sauce. Don’t get me wrong, I love soy sauce—but consuming that much sodium in one sitting is probably illegal in some countries. Our frozen enchilada taste test was a close second; the smell of microwaved corn tortillas still haunts me.
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Gwynedd Stuart
Joe Rumrill
Danny Palumbo
Ariana Losch
