The recent release of The Super Mario Bros. Movie got me thinking. As Mario runs around, he gets all sorts of helpful power-ups by hitting question blocks. He gets to shoot fireballs and turn into a flipping raccoon. But doesn’t all of that running around make him hungry? Isn’t food the most important thing to have with you if you’re off battling Bowser’s army of Koopa Troopas? Do we just think about food too much? Regardless, in honor of their big screen success, we assigned each member of the Mario Bros. crew a classic movie snack to fit their personality. Let’s-a get on with it!
Mario: Peanut M&Ms (Party Size)
I would like to start this off with an apology to anyone with a peanut allergy, including my lovely boyfriend. Every day I look into his peanut-intollerant eyes and I feel so very sorry that he cannot enjoy Peanut M&M’s, a “main character” movie snack if ever there was one. In fact, at least one big movie theater chain reports that Peanut M&M’s are the most popular movie snack in the U.S., according to their concessions data. It makes sense. The sweet little eggs are a perfect counterpart to the mouthfuls of salty popcorn you’re likely consuming. They are the beloved hero of movie snacks, just as Mario is the beloved hero of his little world.
Luigi: Red Vines
Look, I’m not going to get into the Twizzlers-Red Vines debate, okay? Personally, I think they both suck, but they’re long and skinny like Luigi, so I went with the younger company since Luigi is Mario’s (slightly) younger brother. Sadly, there are no green Red Vines, so Luigi will have to settle for a snack that comes in his brother’s signature color, just as he’s spent his entire life living in Mario’s shadow.
Frankly, this one was easy. Someone had to be popcorn, and there’s only one dude in the Mario universe with a head that looks like a popcorn kernel. Well, actually, there’s a lot of dudes. And I think they might all be related? Either way, they deserve a snack that honors family, like Cousin Willie’s Buttery Explosion. Did I just take the word “cousin” and run with it? Yes, I did. Just be sure not to think about Toads too hard while you make your popcorn or the popping will sound very different.
Princess Peach: Albanese World’s Best Gummi Peach Rings
Princess Peach, again, is quite obvious. She’s a peach ring—sweet and sugary on the outside, tough on the inside. Also, princesses are anything but common, and, sadly, these aren’t terribly common at the movie theater. You’re going to have to sneak these in under your shirt—we won’t tell Mario!
Dibs were my childhood go-to movie snack. And while they’ve changed quite a bit over the years, they still have that Bowser-like look. They’re little cylinders of vanilla ice cream coated in chocolate and crackly stuff that gives them a spiky appearance. But yeah. They changed the darn recipe. Sometimes they taste gross and other times they taste okay. They’re just as volatile as Bowser’s temper and as cold as his seemingly frigid, dead heart!
Yoshi: A Full-On Charcuterie Board
When I think of movie snacks, I think of the kind of crap people (like me) have tried to sneak into movie theaters. My most impressive feat to date was a full Panda Express meal, but people have been a lot more creative. In fact, some people claim to have achieved what many of us have long thought to be unachievable: sneaking a whole-ass charcuterie board into the theater. Yoshi, a character known for gobbling and then regurgitating eggs, is an inspiration when it comes to trafficking illicit movie snacks. Wear something bulky and see how much you can stash: crackers, cheese, cured meats, wine if you really feel like breaking the rules. And since Yoshi is so friendly, we highly recommend sharing with your neighbor.