If you grew up playing Pokémon games like I did, chances are you probably had a mid-childhood crisis at some point when you realized that they eat meat in the Pokémon world (and yes, it is Pokémon meat). If the thought of Pokémon being eaten is too tough to bear, I invite you to enter an alternate reality with me, where Poképeople sate their hunger with snacks that represent the Pokémon they’re salivating over. Here are Pokémon as snacks!
Pikachu: Pop Rocks Bubble Gum
If Pokémon were snacks, the first on the chopping block would be Pikachu. Not because Pikachu is typically eaten in the Pokémon world, but because it is cute, and people in the Pokémon world seem to love eating cute Pokémon (rest in peace, Miltank and Slowpoke). Considering Pikachu is an electric type Pokémon, it needs a snack with a little zap to it. If you’ve ever eaten Pop Rocks, you know how those can pop and explode on your tongue. But Pikachu isn’t just any Pop Rocks, he’s Bubblegum Pop Rocks. Why? Pikachu can use Electro Ball, so it only makes sense that it would be a snack that can be blown into a ball.
As ridiculously adorable as Eevee is, there’s no chance that it would be tasty. With Eevee being a normal type that can evolve into many other types, it just doesn’t make sense for Eevee to taste all that exciting. Eevee is plain and versatile in the game, which is exactly why it would probably taste like a salt-free Quaker rice cake. You should be rejoicing, though. This reduces the chances that it’ll be eaten in mass quantities. But if you wanna talk about another evolution of Eevee, then this conversation might turn out very, very differently.
Bulbasaur: Smartfood Sour Cream & Onion Popcorn
Is this list just filled with the cutest Pokémon of all time? Yes, it is. Because our next little baby is Bulbasaur, everyone’s favorite little dino onion thing. Because Bulbasaur is a grass type (along with one other thing I am choosing to ignore because it doesn’t make sense with food), my mind goes to veggies. And the little bulb on its back looks a whole lot like a little onion. The bulb-like shape is also reminiscent of popcorn, since it eventually pops into a flower when Bulbasaur evolves. So, Bulbasaurs would probably taste like sour cream and onion popcorn (or sour cream and onion chips if you can’t find the sour cream and onion popcorn).
Squirtle: Fruit Gushers
Okay, this one’s obvious. We’re all thinking about it, aren’t we? This isn’t Gushers Squirtle’s first debut on Sporked. But I just had to bring it back, because it makes perfect sense (and because I have to promote that beautiful illustration we made). Squirtle is a little water type turtle and Gushers have a shell-like pattern. And, Gushers are filled with juicy goodness. When Squirtle eventually evolves, it can shoot out water from its cannons, just like…well, a smooshed Gusher. Sorry for that image.
Related: If Anime Characters Were Snack Foods
Gengar: Zapp’s Voodoo Heat Potato Chips
Frankly, I don’t get the obsession with Gengar. Sure, he’s a spooky, mysterious Ghost type, but he’s really creepy looking. Like steal-your-kids creepy looking. But I have to say Gengar probably tastes the best out of everything on the list. There are a few important things to know about Gengar and why Zapp’s Voodoo Heat is the perfect fit for it. For one, not much is known about Gengar, just like little is known about the mysterious force that allowed the accidental creation of Zapp’s seasoning to result in such a delicious chip. Second, when Gengar shows up, everything gets very cold because it sucks the heat right out of the air. So, if you’re gonna chow down on a Gengar, be prepared for some serious heat. And, do I even need to mention the most obvious point? Gengar is spooky, just like Zapp’s packaging.
Snorlax would be the easiest Pokémon to eat in the Pokémon world, and probably the most economical for them, too. Snorlax is shockingly huge at over 1,000 pounds. That means a lot of meat. And Snorlax is impossible to piss off. The giant consumes 900 pounds of food each day and immediately goes back to sleep, waking up for absolutely nothing (so you can do fun stuff, like this). So, in our alternate universe, Snorlax is best represented by a high-calorie snack like ice cream. This Häagen-Dazs in particular has the added benefit of almonds, which pack a lot of melatonin and a good amount of fat, both of which ensure more sleepiness. This is beneficial because…zzz. It actually helps…zzz. Soo…zzz. Sleepy…zzz zzz.
Mimikyu: Great Value Fudge Mint Cookies
The Mimikyu hype is completely justified because this Pokémon is one great enigma. If you didn’t already know, Mimikyu is a ghost and fairy type Pokémon that hides under a sheet with a badly drawn face of Pikachu on it. It desperately wants friends and to be as popular as Pikachu, but if you manage to get a glance under that sheet, you might mysteriously die. Chances are no one’s brave enough to eat a Mimikyu. But the kind of person who would risk their life to eat Mimikyu is the kind of person that would take the risk of trying a store brand dupe. Great Value Fudge Mint Cookies are to Girl Scout Thin Mints what Mimikyu is to Pikachu. They both live in the shadow of something more popular, but they’re actually better than what they are attempting to emulate. So, in honor of our sad boi Mimikyu, go out and buy yourself a bag of Fudge Mint Cookies.
Tepig is a fire type pig. Thus, spicy chicharrones. Hehehehe. You’re eating pork, either way. This one’s for the creeps who actually want to eat a Pokémon and see what it would taste like.