Pop-Tarts are iconiqué. Pop-Tarts are sexy. Pop-Tarts are never going out of style. But if the breakfast/snack pastry is going to make it another 59 years (they’ve been around since ’64!), they need to up their game. Yes, they come out with new flavors every once in a while (last year they gave us frosted gingerbread, for instance), and sometimes they bring back oldies (last year they reached deep into the ’90s and brought grape back, alright!), but I think they are sorely in need of someone like me who can pitch them some interesting and delicious flavors they can use to take down pesky Toaster Strudel once and for all. So, Kellogg’s, let me tell you what’s poppin’.
Whaaaat? I know, it doesn’t even seem like a stretch (don’t worry, these get crazier as we go on). Having grown up eating hamantaschen (triangular Jewish Pop-Tarts…sort of) on Purim, I can tell you, unequivocally, that apricot is always the best flavor. Imagine a warm, buttery Pop-Tart filled with a thin layer of beautiful, sunny apricot preserves and drizzled with vanilla icing. Ugh, it would taste so classic, like it’s always been a thing, but we would know. We would both know this idea was born on February 8, 2023.
- Orange Marmalade
Get this: Pop-Tarts are breakfast food, right? Well, they have actually done Orange Crush ones (no joke), but they haven’t done Orange Marmalade?! I’m not even British and I’m offended. Wouldn’t this be great though? Warm marmalade filling, butter-flavored icing so it tastes just like a scone or a biscuit (in the American sense) with jam. Honestly, we need more citrus Pop-Tarts in general. I think a lemon meringue situation would hit hard (though it seems like they had that one available for a brief time in 2021—bring it back pleeeeeeeaaase).
Pop-Tarts need to take a page out of Oreo’s book and just give us three flavors in one. Not only would each Pop-Tart have a stripe of vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry cream filling, the top would also have all three colors of icing. These would be tasty and aesthetically pleasing as heck.
- Black Sesame
You. Guys. Straight up, if they made a Black Sesame Pop-Tart, I would buy it immediately. The pastry would be gray, the icing would be black, and the filling would be sweet, nutty, and delicious, with almost a goth peanut butter vibe. This would be the official Pop-Tart of Hot Topic, Wednesday Addams, and also people who just love black sesame everything.
Okay, why haven’t they done this? The height of the Ube craze of 2019 would have been the perfect time for them to launch this flavor into the ube-lovin’ world. And I get that “Pop-Tarts are for kids” and “kids in the U.S. don’t like new flavors,” but answer me this, Kellogg’s, have you ever met a kid who didn’t want to eat something that’s violently purple? Especially a purple thing that tastes pretty much like vanilla anyway? Just food for thought…
I mean, it’s got the juice—what else do you need? Seriously though, imagine a cornbread Pop-Tart with a thick honey filling and butter-flavored icing. If someone handed me one of these, I think I’d cry. And maybe marry them?
- Curry Meat Pie
Think of those meat pies and Cornish pasties you see in the UK and Australia. Delicious flaky crust stuffed to the brim with roast beef, potatoes, carrots, and that curry flavor that’s iconic to the sort of British food that someone remembered to season. These hand pies are so satisfying. Now imagine being able to just drop one in the toaster and have a whole-ass meal pop out. I would buy this. What a great desk lunch! As for the icing, uhhhhm…bare. This one’s bare. Or maybe flaky salt? Up for debate.
I mean, we had to do it to ‘em. Come on, Kellogg’s, give Hot Pockets and Totino’s a run for their money. You know you’re gonna win. None of the others have the following you do. All you have to do is make a less sugary pastry, fill it with classic thick pizza sauce and little crumbles of pepperoni, and then find a way to make savory cheese icing that doesn’t melt in the toaster but does, in fact, give the illusion of creaminess. Or, better yet, fill it with a creamy and garlicky cheese filling that will melt in the toaster, and then top it with a sweet-and-savory tomato, basil, and oregano icing. Master the savory side and you’ll be on top of the toaster pie world.
Thoughts? Questions? Complete disagreement? Leave a comment!
This is an interesting take on how Pop-Tarts can stay relevant for another 59 years. I’m particularly intrigued by the idea of Curry Meat Pie flavor – what kind of filling would they use?
I’m on board with the first 3! I’ll take apricot anything! The rest I’m not so sure about. But how about a pbj pop-tart?
You had us in the first half chief
The apricot sounds good but the others not so. Now mincemeat pop tarts might be a good idea next Christmas